JOKES!!!

[Jurassic Referee]

Man and his new bride are on their honeymoon-flying to Hawaii.He's pissed off at her because she brought her poodle along,and he can't stand the yappy things. She's pissed off at him because he's smoking a big ol' cigar,and she hates the smell of cigar smoke.They're fighting and fussing back and forth,when the pilot of the plane comes into the cabin.He says "Tsk,tsk,folks.We can't have ya fighting like this on your honeymoon.I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do!I'm gonna go put the poodle out on one wing,and then I'm gonna go put the cigar out on the other wing.That should keep the both of you happy!".The pilot then proceeds to do that-puts the poodle on one wing and the cigar on the other wing.The man and his bride now make up,are happy and are cuddling away.All of a sudden,the door to the outside of the airplane opens up,and the poodle comes strolling in!

Guess what the poodle had in it's mouth?

[ROMANO]

WAS JESUS A BLACK JEWISH IRISH WOMAN?

PROOF THAT JESUS WAS...

...Jewish:

1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

...Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job.
3. His last request was a drink.

...Puerto Rican:

1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was always in trouble with the law.
3. His mother did not know who his father was.

...Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

...Black:

1. He called everybody brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

...Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But the most compelling evidence of all - proof that Jesus was a WOMAN:

1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2 . He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do.

[ROMANO]

Originally posted by Mark Padgett

Here's a similar one:

Two goats were standing in a junkyard eating all the junk. One of the goats ate a round, metal can containing movie film. The other goat asked him how he liked it. The first goat replied, "I liked the book better".

I HAVE SOME MORE...
A professor at the University is giving a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks them, "How many folk here believe in ghosts?"

About 80 students raise their hands. "That's a good start," says the professor, "For those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good," continues the professor, "I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response," remarks the impressed professor, "has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"Brilliant. But let me ask you one question further...

Have any of you ever been intimate with a ghost?"

One of his students from a Redneck state raises his hand.

The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed that.

You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor asks, "Well, tell us what it's like to have made love to a ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost?!? Dang it!... I thought you said 'goats....
AND ANOTHER ONE...
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone handwritten the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class. The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board.

Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words,

'The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!'

[ROMANO]

3 man's (2 from israel and one from france)are flying in an airplane to a nice vacation in gaza..in the middle of the flight the israelis had a fight with the guy from france and they wanted to throw him out from the airplane.
the capitan of the flight saw there intention and shout them:"hi dani..beni...you can't throw out a man from my airplane in the middle of the flight without a reasonable reason..i tell you what..i will ask each one of you a question.if one of you won't know the answer.. than you can throw him out..ok?
the capitan started and he asked the first israeli:" dani.. when did the worldwar 1 open?
DANI:1937?
capitan:"no dani.. but i will accepte that answer!..NOW TO THE SECOND QUESTION..
capitan:"beni..when did worldwar 2 open?
BENI:1941?
capitan:"no beni...but i will accepte that answer!
now to you my frence freind..
capitan:"fransoa..how many jews died in the holocaust?
FRANSOA:i know that !!6 millions!!!
capitan:"yes fransoa..but what about there names?...

[Mark Padgett]

David - I love your stuff, and I'm about as unpolitically correct as you can get, but in all fairness, comments 2 and especially 3 about the Puerto Rican people were just a bit over the line. Sorry, but I felt compelled to make this comment. Hope it doesn't sour our relationship.

[rainmaker]

Okay, so I'm frantically trying to keep up here, but it's definitely difficult.

I'm going to be out of town for the weekend, but Monday evening or Tuesday morning, I'll print out all this stuff, and rate it all, and get some help finding some cute little gif files of ribbons and other award type things, and post prizes on Wednesday. That sound okay?

Here's another great joke: just to goad everyone to greater heights:

Okay, so a Jew, a Palestinian, a Shi'ite woman, Jesus, Moses, George Bush, and Slobodan Milosevic walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of a joke!?!?"

[ROMANO]

Originally posted by Mark Padgett
David - I love your stuff, and I'm about as unpolitically correct as you can get, but in all fairness, comments 2 and especially 3 about the Puerto Rican people were just a bit over the line. Sorry, but I felt compelled to make this comment. Hope it doesn't sour our relationship.

hi it's just joke.you can joke about israelis also.i'm just tellnig the jokes that i know.i have nothing aginst enyone.try to enjoy and not be offenended i'm not trying to insulted enyone.
back to business..God says to Adam, "I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?" Adam says, "Tell me the good news first."

God says, "I'm going to give you a penis and a brain. You'll derive from these great pleasure and great intellect."

Adam replies, "Wonderful! But what's the bad news?"

God says, "I'm only going to give you enough blood supply to work one at a time."

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@and for now mark about israelis:
Nine year old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelis out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelis were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"


[Edited by ROMANO on May 2nd, 2003 at 05:41 AM]

[ROMANO]

Originally posted by rainmaker
Okay, so I'm frantically trying to keep up here, but it's definitely difficult.

I'm going to be out of town for the weekend, but Monday evening or Tuesday morning, I'll print out all this stuff, and rate it all, and get some help finding some cute little gif files of ribbons and other award type things, and post prizes on Wednesday. That sound okay?

Here's another great joke: just to goad everyone to greater heights:

Okay, so a Jew, a Palestinian, a Shi'ite woman, Jesus, Moses, George Bush, and Slobodan Milosevic walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of a joke!?!?"

VERY FUNNY JUULIE!!
Two priests were going to ISRAEL on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc.

The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father" - "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.

After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.)

Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning, Father," "Good morning Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. "Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"

"Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!" .
AND NOW FOR MARK:
Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they kept for themselves. The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the circle god kept.

The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed inside the circle god kept.

The rabbi said, "I've got you both beat. I throw the money into the air and what god wants, god takes."
@@@@@@@@@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!$$$$$$$$$$$
An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it?

The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too...I know you're supposed to be celibate. But...."

The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

##############################################
A JEWISH man is trying to understand the nature of God and asked him: "God, how long is a million years to you?"

God answered: "A million years is like a minute."

Then the man asked: "God, how much is a million dollars to you?" And God replied: "A million dollars is like a penny."

Finally the man asked: "God, could you give me a penny?" And God says: "In a minute."

###########################################

[NICK]

A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?" The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammography, and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18-year-old." The husband said, "What did he say about your 55-year-old ***?" "Your name never came up," she replied.

Father O'Malley answers the phone: "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will".

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them", the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager continues. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them here, and you could have", the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100." "That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

[ROMANO]

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.

"The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk...
#######################
It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, Toshiba, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history." Who said "Give me Liberty,or give me death?"

She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.

"Now," said the teacher, "who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?"

Again, no response except from Toshiba: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do."

As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper: "Damned Japanese."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.

At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Toshiba's classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna throw up."

Teacher says "Who said that?".

Again, Toshiba raises his hand and says "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Well, suck my...."

Once again, it's Toshiba with the answer, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997." ...

[ChuckElias]

Originally posted by mick

[/B]

[A Pennsylvania Coach]

Originally posted by ChuckElias

[/B]

Don't you get the bricklayer joke??? Okay, I'll try one more...



There is this guy on an airplane smoking a cigar, so the flight attendant comes over and says, "Sir, there is no smoking on this flight. You have to put that out."

The flight attendant walks away, but the man keeps smoking. The flight attendant comes back and says, "If you don't put that cigar out, that cigar is going out the window."

She leaves again, but he keeps puffing away. So she comes back, snatches the cigar, and chucks it out the window.

Now a couple of rows back, a lady has a little dog, and it won't stop barking. So the flight attendant heads over there. "If you don't shut that dog up, that dog is going out the window."

A couple of minutes later the dog is still barking. So the flight attendant goes over, grabs the dog, and tosses it out the window.

A few rows back, a little boy with a window seat tugs on his mom's sleeve. "Look out the window, Mommy," says the little boy. She looks out and sees this little dog hanging on to the wing by his front paws. And what does the dog have in it's mouth?

[Jurassic Referee]

Hmmmm. Same as my post above.

[A Pennsylvania Coach]

Originally posted by Jurassic Referee
Hmmmm. Same as my post above.

Geez, I'm an idiot. I should really learn to read.

Either way, no one has answered either of our questions...

[Jurassic Referee]

Originally posted by A Pennsylvania Coach

Geez, I'm an idiot. I should really learn to read.

Either way, no one has answered either of our questions...

Somehow,I think that we're both gonna have the same answer!