JOKES!!!

[Mark Padgett]

What do you get when you cross a sheep with Rosie O'Donnell?

A woolly mammoth.

BTW - this is Donald Trump's favorite joke.

[mick]

"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific
advances." -- Dr. Lee DeForest, "Father of Radio & Grandfather of
Television."

"The Atomic bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in
explosives." - - Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project

"There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom." --
Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." -- Popular
Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers ." -- Thomas
Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked
with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad
that won't last out the year." -- The editor in charge of business books for
Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what . is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing
Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

"640K ought to be enough for anybody."-- Bill Gates, 1981

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered
as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us," --
Western Union internal memo, 1876.

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would
pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's
associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the
1920s.

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn
better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible," -- A Yale University
management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable
overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not
Gary Cooper," -- Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in
"Gone With The Wind."

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports
say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you
make," -- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out," --
Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible," -- Lord Kelvin,
president, Royal Society, 1895.

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The
literature was full of examples that said you can't do this," - - Spencer
Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3-M "Post-It"
Notepads.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil?
You're crazy," -- Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project
to drill for oil in 1859.

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." - -
Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, YaleUniversity, 1929.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value," -- Marechal
Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre, France.

"Everything that can be invented has been invented," -- Charles H.
Duell, Commissioner, US Office of Patents, 1899.

"The super computer is technologically impossible. It would take all
of the water that flows over Niagara Falls to cool the heat generated by the
number of vacuum tubes required." -- Professor of Electrical Engineering,
New YorkUniversity

"I don't know what use any one could find for a machine that would
make copies of documents. It certainly couldn't be a feasible business by
itself." -- the head of IBM, refusing to back the idea, forcing the inventor
to found Xerox.

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction." -- Pierre
Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the
intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon," -- Sir John Eric Ericksen,
British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.

And last but not least...

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --
Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

[SanDiegoSteve]

Poor Dave....

Dave works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her; she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Davie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez, Dave, you picked up a real b!tch this time.

[wsttxump]

Mowing and Beer

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer

and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she

came over and shouted at me,

"You should be hung!"

I took a drink from my can of Coors Light, wiped the cold foam from

my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly

into the eyes of this nosy a*s neighbor and then calmly replied,

"I am. That's why she cuts the grass."

[aceholleran]

A woman takes her dog--who's a little long in the tooth--to the vet. "He seems to be having trouble breathing," says the owner.

The doc does a quick exam and announces, "Not to worry, ma'am. At his age, he has too much hair up his nose. I'm going to prescribe a depilatory for him. But be careful, this stuff has to be diluted with water. The pharmacist will give you instructions."

She goes to the pharmacist who says, "Lady, this stuff is powerful. If you're going to use it on your legs, cut it 3 to 1 with water."

She says, "It's not for my legs."

The pharmacist says, "OK. If you're going to put it on your upper lip, cut it 5 to 1 with water."

She says, "Look, mister. It's not for my lip."

"Well, lady. As I said, this is powerful stuff. You have to tell me how you're going to use it!"

She says, "It's for my Schnauzer."


[pause]






"Fine," says the pharmacist. "Then cut it 10 to 1 with water and don't ride a bicycle for two weeks."

Ace in CT

[aceholleran]

Three gents from Europe are spending holidays in the Caribbean. By chance, they all end up at a poolside bar, and each orders a pint of Guinness. Also by chance, a fly lands in each man's pint.

"Egad!" moans the Brit. "That is disgusting! Barkeep, bring me a fresh pint."

The Irisher picks the fly out of the drink, "Not a bad way to go, little feller." He discards the fly and downs his pint.

The Scotsman also picks his fly carefully out of his pint. Grabbing it by the wing, he says to it, "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"


Ace in CT

[NM FP Ump]

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.


The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly,


"Good morning Alex." "Good morning Pastor, what is this?" he asked the pastor, pointing at the plaque. The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial plaque to all the young men and women who died in the Service."


Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?"

[SanDiegoSteve]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note
on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his a$s.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late, great J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his a$s.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."

12) The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry"

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yea God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St.Taffy's.

[JugglingReferee]

A white guy decides he'd like to vacation in Jamaica.

Walking down a city street in Jamaica, he decides to use a public washroom.

A local uses the urinal next to him and voices how the visitor's penis has "WY" tattooed on it. The local asks why. The visitor tells the local that his girlfriend's name is Wendy.

The visitor notices the local also has WY. He asks if the local's girlfriend's name is also Wendy. The local says, "No, my tattoo says 'Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day'."

[mbyron]

Originally Posted by aceholleran

Three gents from Europe are spending holidays in the Caribbean. By chance, they all end up at a poolside bar, and each orders a pint of Guinness. Also by chance, a fly lands in each man's pint.

"Egad!" moans the Brit. "That is disgusting! Barkeep, bring me a fresh pint."

The Irisher picks the fly out of the drink, "Not a bad way to go, little feller." He discards the fly and downs his pint.

The Scotsman also picks his fly carefully out of his pint. Grabbing it by the wing, he says to it, "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"


Ace in CT

I guess this joke is so funny you post it every year (though the Irish reply is better this year):
http://forum.officiating.com/showpos...&postcount=209

[mbyron]

A young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an older couple are applying for membership at an exclusive church. After forms, tests, paperwork, and interviews, they are all finalists.

The minister informs them all that one last test remains: they must abstain from sex for a month. Off they go.

After a month, the minister interviews the older couple, asking them how it went. The husband replies, "No problem. We missed it once and a while, but we succeeded." The minister welcomed them to the church.

The middle-aged couple is next. The husband says, "Well, the first week was awfully difficult, but we have our priorities, and we made it." The minister welcomed them to the church.

The younger couple comes in last. The husband says, "That was horrible! How can you ask us to do that? We did fine for the first 2 days, but then my wife bent over for a can of peas, and... well, I just couldn't restrain myself! We did it right then and there!"

The minister is shocked and appalled. He asks them to leave immediately, at which the man says, "Yeah, they threw us out of the grocery store too!"

[Mark Padgett]

There was a woman who was very busy and had a hard time getting all her work done, so she decided to clone herself. It worked well for a while, but then she noticed the clone was swearing a lot. Soon, it got to be way too much, so to get rid of her, the woman threw the clone off the roof.

She was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

[Mark Padgett]

Almost forgot this one:

Did you hear about the quarterback who thought he was marrying a tight end but wound up with a wide receiver?

[mick]

It Was Already Late Fall And The Indians On A Remote Reservation
Asked Their New Chief If The Coming Winter Was Going To Be Cold Or Mild.

Since He Was A Chief In A Modern Society He Had Never Been Taught
The Old Secrets. When He Looked At The Sky He Couldn't Tell What The
Winter Was Going To Be Like.

Nevertheless, To Be On The Safe Side, He Told His Tribe That The
Winter Was Indeed Going To Be Cold And That The Members Of The Village
Should Collect Firewood To Be Prepared.

But Being A Practical Leader, After Several Days He Got An Idea. He
Went To The Phone Booth, Called The National Weather Service And
Asked, "is The Coming Winter Going To Be Cold?"

"It Looks Like This Winter Is Going To Be Quite Cold," The
Meteorologist At The Weather Service Responded.

So The Chief Went Back To His People And Told Them To Collect Even
More Firewood In Order To Be Prepared.

A Week Later He Called The National Weather Service Again. "Does
It Still Look Like It Is Going To Be A Very Cold Winter?"

"Yes," The Man At National Weather Service Again Replied, "it's Going
To Be A Very Cold Winter."

The Chief Again Went Back To His People And Ordered Them To
Collect Every Scrap Of Firewood They Could Find.

Two Weeks Later The Chief Called The National Weather Service
Again. "are You Absolutely Sure That The Winter Is Going To Be Very
Cold?"

Absolutely," The Man Replied. "it's Looking More and More Like It
Is Going To Be One Of The Coldest Winters We've Ever Seen."

"How Can You Be So Sure?" The Chief Asked.

The Weatherman Replied, "Because the Indians Are Collecting Firewood
Like Crazy."

[Ideotoget]

car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back and forth till someone with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over. A blonde rolls down the window and says, " Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!" The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

Q: What do you call a blonde in a Volkswagen?
A: FarFromThinking
Submitted by: Michael Sharp

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an "F" in sex.

A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT".
After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.
On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES".
By the time she drove eight miles, shehad cleaned 43 restrooms.

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is working?
A: Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A: Divorcee'

more on _www.zelo.com/blonde








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