JOKES!!!

[ROMANO]

HI what is going on ?
am i alon in this general topic?
i would like to announce that jokes competition is now open ..so come one everyone and tell us you'r best joke.
I WILL OPEN THE COMPETITION WHIT A NICE JOKE:
There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females. He hired a French guy who didn't speak much English, but was a very good worker. After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the "parts", but the sheep farmer yelled, "No! Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them. They're delicious and we call them 'sheep fries'."
Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper, and indeed the 'sheep fries' were tasty.

The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening they all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'.

The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife where the French hired hand was, and she said, "You know, it's the weirdest thing! I told him since there weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening, we were also going to have French fries, and he ran like hell....

THE OFFICIAL IN THIS COMPETITION ARE JUULIE DOWENS AND MICK CHAMBERS..(with you'r permission..juulie and mick)

[A Pennsylvania Coach]

Here is one of my favorites, the only joke in the world with two, count 'em two, punchlines!

So there is the tower with a bell at the top that this priest rings every day at 6 o'clock. But the priest is getting old, so he runs a newspaper ad: "Bell Ringer Wanted". Well, only one guy answers the ad; a quadrapelgic in a wheelchair.

The priest says, "I don't think you are the man for the job."

But the quadraplegic says, "Just get me up there, I can do it."

"Well, no one else applied, so the job is yours."

So at 6 o'clock the man is up there in his wheelchair. He wheels over to the bell and slams into with his face, ringing the bell. He backs up and starts wheeling over there again, veers off to the left, falls out of the tower and he's dead.

A group of townsfolk gather 'round, and one of them asks, "does anyone know who this guy is?"

The priest says, "I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell!"

So there is still no one to ring the bell. The priest runs his ad again, and again only one guy applies. Another quadraplegic, brother of the first guy who had the job.

"Things didn't work out so well with your brother," said the priest.

"Anything my brother could do I can do better," said the applicant.

"Well, no one else applied, so the job is yours."

At 6 o'clock, the man is up in the tower in his wheelchair. He wheels over to the bell, slams into it with his face, and rings it. He backs up, wheels over again, veers off to the right, falls out of the tower, and he is dead. Again the townsfolk gather.

"Does anyone know who this guy is?"

The priest says, "well, I don't know his name, but he's a dead ringer for his brother!"

[Mark Padgett]

These three guys are ready to play a round of golf but they want a fourth player. There's a guy in the clubhouse they've never seen before but they ask him if he'll play with them. He says he will. He goes out, plays the entire round left-handed and shoots pretty well. They ask him to come back the next week.

He says he will, but he might be about 10 minutes late. He shows up the following week on time, however, and he plays the entire round right-handed. They ask him to come back the next week again, and he says he will, but he might be about 10 minutes late.

The following week he shows up right on time again and goes back to shooting the entire round left-handed. Once again, they ask him to come back the next week. Once again, he says he will but he might be about 10 minutes late.

One of the guys says, "Wait a minute. The first week you shoot the round left-handed, then you tell us you might be about 10 minutes late and you're right on time and you shoot right-handed. Then we ask you back again and you say you might be about 10 minutes late but again, you're right on time and you go back to playing left-handed. Now you say that next week you might be about 10 minutes late again. What's going on?"

"Oh", says the guy. "Let me explain. When I get up in the morning, I look over at my wife in bed. If she's laying on her left side, I play the round left-handed, and if she's laying on her right side, I play the round right-handed."

"I guess that explains it", says one of the guys, "but what if she's laying on her back?"

The golfer replies, "Then - I might be about 10 minutes late."

[ROMANO]

something about freinds...best freinds...
A man and his dog were walking along a serene road, enjoying the scenic beauty, when it suddenly occurred to the man that he was not alive. Suddenly, he remembered dying, and that his dog had been dead for several years. He wondered where he was and where the road was leading them.

After a while, the two of them, the man and his dog, came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, the wall was broken by a tall arch that shimmered in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, the man saw a magnificent gate in the arch that glistened like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and his dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk behind the gate. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, can you tell me where we are?"

"This is heaven," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have a pitcher of water brought right up." He then gestured, and the gate began to open.He approached the man at the desk and asked, "Can my friend there come in, too?"

"I'm sorry, sir, but animals are not allowed here."

The man hesitated for only a moment and then turned and walked back through the gate and continued down the road. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a weathered farm gate that was standing open. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there." The man pointed to a well shaded by a large tree. "Come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to his dog.

"Sure, There should be a bowl by the pump."

The man and his dog went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and even before he quenched his own thirst, he set the bowl down for his dog. He then took a long drink himself. They then walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is heaven," was the answer.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that place was heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold streets and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."

The man responded, "Well, doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'd leave their best friends behind."

[NICK]

In one episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is seated at the bar describing the 'Buffalo Theory' to his buddy Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this.
"Well, you see, Norm, it's like this...A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive drinking of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

[Andy]

Since Padgett started the golf jokes, here's my favorite:

There was gentleman who played a round at the same club, same time, every week. After his wife had retired, she decided to go with him one day for the exercise and to watch.

They were going along and they came to the fourth hole. The fourth hole was a big dogleg to the right. There was an old abandoned barn sitting on the inside of the dogleg.

The golfer sliced his tee shot pretty badly and ended up about 50 yards behind the barn. As he is trying to decide what to do, he notices that there is a door on the barn. He asks his wife to go up to the barn and open the door. She does and sure enough, there is another door on the other side of the barn. She opens that door too and the golfer can see right through the barn onto the green! His wife comes back to where he is standing as he prepares to hit his shot. The golfer hits the ball, it goes into the barn, but misses the second door, richochets back, hits his wife square between the eyes, and she drops over dead!

A few weeks later, after the funeral, the gentleman is playing his weekly round at the same course. He is paired with a player that has never played the course before. They came to the fourth hole and the new player sliced his tee shot pretty badly and ended up about 50 yards behind the barn. As he is trying to decide what to do, he notices that there is a door on the barn. He starts thinking out loud, "Maybe I can go up there and open the door, maybe there is a door on the other side of the barn...." The first golfer immediately says, "No, no don't try that! I was playing here a few weeks ago and tried that and...


I ended up with a bogey on the hole!

[ROMANO]

this is really strong...:
Once there was a rabbit and a bear living in a forest. One day, they went out for a walk and came across a magical golden frog. The frog told them that he will grant them three wishes each, which got the rabbit and the bear very excited.

The bear proceeded to tell the frog his first request. He said, "I wish that all the bears in this forest were female, except for me." POOF! His wish was granted.

Then it was the rabbit's turn and he said, "I wish for a racing bike helmet." POOF! His wish was granted.

The bear hesitated, thought for a moment and then said, "I wish all the bears in the neighboring forests were female too, except for me." POOF! His wish was granted.

The rabbit already knew what he wanted, and uttered, "I wish for a motorcycle." POOF! His wish was granted.

The frog broke in and said, "Now hurry up, I must be on my way. And, may I add, choose your last wish carefully!!"

The bear said, "Alright, I know my last wish. I wish all the bears in the world were female, except for me." POOF! His wish was granted.

The rabbit thought for a while, put on his helmet, and got on his motorcycle. A smirk appeared on his face as he revved the motor and shouted, "I wish the bear was gay." Poof! And the rabbit rode off.

[Andy]

A guy was walking along the beach when he tripped over an old oil lamp. He started to rub it an shine it up when the genie appeared.

"I am the genie of the lamp" stated the genie. "I will grant you one wish."

The man thought for a moment and said.."I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm afraid of flying and I can't stand boats. I wish for a highway so that I can drive to Hawaii."

The genie looked at the guy and said.."Are you crazy?!? There is no way I can do a highway to Hawaii! Can you imagine the engineering that will have to go into something like that? Can you imangine how long the support pillars will have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean? Forget it...wish for something else."

The guy thought for a few more moments and said.."OK, I've never had much luck with women. My wish is that I would completely and totally understand females."

The genie looked back at him and said..."Would you like that highway to be two lanes or four?"

[ROMANO]

There is a joke that maybe you will understand...
There were 3 basketball players, one each from IU, Notre Dame, and Purdue, standing on a burning roof in Indianapolis The fire department came with a blanket and yelled to the Norte Dame player to jump.He jumped and they moved it to the right. He hit the sidewalk with a splat. They then called to the IU player to jump. He said that he wouldn't jump. They said they liked IU better than Norte Dame. So he jumped and the fire department moved the blanket to the left. The IU player hit with a splat on the sidewalk. Then they called to the Purdue player to jump. He said that he wouldn't jump. The fire department said they hated IU and Notre Dame. He yelled back and said, ''Lay the blanket down, and then I'll jump...

[canuckrefguy]

A man was out one Sunday golfing with his wife, as they had done each weekend for the last 10 years. On the 14th hole, which borders the course's maintanence area, the man pulls his drive way left, onto a grassy patch near the maintanence shop.

Upon arriving at his ball, he discovers that there is a tool shed about six feet away from his ball, directly in his path back to the fairway. He curses his luck, but then his wife says "There's doors on both sides of the shed. Open up the doors and hit it through".

The man decides to try it. He winds up, hits the ball, but it catches the door frame on the shed and riccochets back, hitting his wife right between the eyes, killing her on the spot.

A year later, the man is golfing again, this time with people from the club. Sure enough, on hole 14, he pulls his tee shot again, back into the maintanence area and discovers that the tool shed is again blocking his path. One of his partners says "There's doors on both sides of the shed. Open them up and hit it through the gap."

"Are you kidding?" the man replies angrily, "I tried that last year and wound up making six!"

[Mark Padgett]

Originally posted by canuckrefguy
A man was out one Sunday golfing with his wife, as they had done each weekend for the last 10 years. On the 14th hole, which borders the course's maintanence area, the man pulls his drive way left, onto a grassy patch near the maintanence shop.

Upon arriving at his ball, he discovers that there is a tool shed about six feet away from his ball, directly in his path back to the fairway. He curses his luck, but then his wife says "There's doors on both sides of the shed. Open up the doors and hit it through".

The man decides to try it. He winds up, hits the ball, but it catches the door frame on the shed and riccochets back, hitting his wife right between the eyes, killing her on the spot.

A year later, the man is golfing again, this time with people from the club. Sure enough, on hole 14, he pulls his tee shot again, back into the maintanence area and discovers that the tool shed is again blocking his path. One of his partners says "There's doors on both sides of the shed. Open them up and hit it through the gap."

"Are you kidding?" the man replies angrily, "I tried that last year and wound up making six!"

WOW!!! It's a good thing Andy didn't post his golf joke. It's almost the same. Oh wait - he did.

[canuckrefguy]

You know, I never had to time to read all the jokes, I just went and added one...

what are the odds, eh?

[PGCougar]

A priest, feeling overworked, tired, and reluctant to complete his duties for Sunday services, feigns illness and gets the assistant pastor to fill in for him. Sunday turns out to be a beautiful day, so he sneaks out of the rectory in order to play a round of golf.

Saint Peter, observing all this from above becomes annoyed at this unprofessional behavior and decides to go to God. God assures him that he'll take care of it.

As the priest lines up his shot at the first tee, he takes a magnificent swing at the ball. The shot is perfect, sailing effortlessly to the green, taking a few short graceful bounds and dropping gently into the cup. The priest is stunned to have the very first hole in one in his life.

Saint Peter, watching in complete disbelief marches back to God. "I thought you said you'd take care of the situation!" he exclaimed.

God remarked, "I did. Who do you think he's going to tell about this one?"

[NICK]

Alcohol Warnings
Subject: Alcohol Warnings Been there......
ALCOHOL WARNINGS - Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
_____ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties
_____ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
_____ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
_____ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
_____ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
_____ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
_____ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
_____ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
_____ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
_____ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. >
_____ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
_____ WARNING: the cumsumpten of alcahol may Mack you tink you can tipe real gode.

[NICK]

A married man left from work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his pay check) partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?" "That would suit me just fine!!" the man said. Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by with the same result. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.