JOKES!!!

[Scrapper1]

An old man fell ill. He knew he was going to die soon. He had very few friends, but he called the 3 people that he trusted most in the world to come to his bedside: his priest, his doctor, and his lawyer.

"I don't have a lot of time left," he told them. "I don't have any family or close friends. So I've emptied my bank accounts and I have all my money right here with me, in cash. I don't want the government to get it, so I'm taking it with me!!"

He handed one envelope each to the priest, the doctor and the lawyer.

"Each one of you has a third of my life savings. When I die, I want you each to put your envelope in my casket so I can be buried with my entire net worth." The 3 men all agreed.

When the old man died, the lawyer, the doctor and the priest all attended the funeral and one by one, each one approached the coffin and dutifully slipped his envelope under the pillow inside.

After the service, the 3 men met to toast the memory of the old man. The priest spoke up and said, "I have to tell you both, I feel somewhat guilty. I couldn't stop thinking about the needs of the poor in town. And although I put most of the money into the coffin, I kept some to feed the homeless."

The doctor consoled the priest. "Don't be too hard on yourself, Father. I was thinking about the children's hospital and the new equipment they need there. So while I put most of the money into the casket, I too kept some to donate to the children's hospital."

The lawyer said, "I'm shocked at both of you. That's completely unethical. I put a check in for the entire amount!"

[Steve M]

Two Woodpeckers..........



A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without break ing a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:



Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

[Forksref]

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his friend in the woods?

[Forksref]

My all time Stephen Wright line: I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast anytime. I order French Toast during the Renaissance.

[Forksref]

Originally Posted by Steven Tyler

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America;

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .

And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.'


2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'


3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'


4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'


5 She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'


6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'



HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'


2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is ' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'


3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'


4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'


5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ***' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION'


6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE

Cowboys are now known as Bovine Technicians.

[JugglingReferee]

In case you are getting tired of just saying “it’s cold out”, here are alternatives that are more descriptive.

The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart

50° Fahrenheit (10° C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably...
Canadians plant gardens.

35° Fahrenheit (1.6° C)
Italian Cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows down

32° Fahrenheit (0 ° C)
American water freezes
Canadian water gets thicker.

0° Fahrenheit (-17.9° C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-60° Fahrenheit (-51° C)
Mt. St. Helens freezes.
Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door.

-100° Fahrenheit (-73° C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians pull down their ear flaps.

-173° Fahrenheit (-114° C)
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg

-460° Fahrenheit (-273° C)
Absolute zero - all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"

-500° Fahrenheit (-295° C)
Hell freezes over.
The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.

[DesertZebra]

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "You don't have a dentist appointment tomorrow do you?"

[Steven Tyler]

Cheese
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence.
Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but Cheese fat.

Mushroom
When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.

Shoulder
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read
so I shoulder.

TEXAS
My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!

July
Ju told me ju were going to that store and July to me! Julyer!

Juarez
One day my gramma slapped me and I said, ' Juarez your problem?'

Chicken
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.

Wheelchair
We only have one enchalada left, but don't worry wheelchair.

Chicken wing
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing

Harassment
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey
harassment noting to me.

Bishop
My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.

Body wash
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids

[JR12]

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

[JR12]

Originally Posted by JR12

What do you do with an elephant with three balls?

Walk him and pitch to the Rhino!