JOKES!!!

[Mark Padgett]

OK - here's my parrot joke.

A guy goes into a pet store and buys a parrot. A few weeks later, he goes into the pet store again. The owner says, "How's the parrot?"

The guy replies, "Great - he was delicious!"

The owner says, "WHAT!!! You mean you ate that parrot? He spoke four languages!"

The guy says, "Then why didn't he say something?"

[NICK]

Subject: TYPICAL WOMAN]
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. It's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.... My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. T! he man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...

[Mark Padgett]

Why did all the prostitutes in Mexico go out of business?

Too many frijoles.

[NICK]

Subject: Just Married
Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you." So up she went.
When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, up she went again.
When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!""Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again.
When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."

[ROMANO]

What Are Politics?

A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are politics?"
His dad replies, " Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am capatilism. Your mom is the owner of the money so she is government. The government is the provider for the people so you are the people. Your baby brother will be the future, and the nanny is the working class. Now think about that."

So he went to bed. He was woken by his brother. The baby had pooped in his daiper. He went to tell his parents, but he only found his mom asleep in the bed. He didn't want to wake her, so he went to the nanny. The door was locked. He checked through a hole and saw the dad in bed with the nanny. He went back to bed. The next morning, he went to his dad and said, "Dad i know what you mean now."

"You do? Tell me."

"OK, while capatilism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, while the people are watching the future being pooped on!!!"

[ROMANO]

AND one for mark:
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

[ROMANO]

FRANCE..
Quotes About the French :

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." - Jacques Chirac, President of France
"As far as France is concerned, you're right." - Rush Limbaugh
"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?" - Dennis Miller

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates Americans, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people." - Conan O'Brien
************************************************** *********
What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
Their army!
************************************************** **********
What do you call 20 dead frenchmen in the back of a lorry.
A good days hunting.
************************************************** *********
Why do the French Smell?
So blind people can hate them too!
************************************************** *****
What''s the shortest book ever written?
French War Heroes
*************************************************




Reasons for Being French :

* When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
* Experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time.

* You get to eat insect food like snails and frog''s legs.

* If there''s a war you can surrender really early.

* You don''t have to read the subtitles on those late night films on TV.

* You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people''s countries.

* You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.

* Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride.

* You don''t have to bother with toilets, just **** in the street.

* People think you''re a great lover even when you''re not.
************************************************** ********** AND THE LAST ONE FOR TODAY:
The Great Saddam and Bush Debate

Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam Hussein's challenge to a televised debate, Tim Dowling exclusively reveals what could have happened had they met
Tuesday February 25, 2003

Tony Blair, moderator: Welcome to the first televised debate between George W. Bush and Saddam Hussein, live from United Nations headquarters in New York. We will begin with a brief opening statement from each of you.

, Bush: First of all I would just like to welcome my evil friend to the UN, one of the great American institutions for the propulsion of freedom throughout the world.

Saddam: Thank you, Great Satan. I hope that in today's debate we may find some common ground between the Iraqi people's commitment to peace and human progress and America's desire to destroy the Middle East.

Bush: Do I answer that?

Blair: No. The first question is quite simply this: do you have any links with al-Qaida?

Bush: I do not.

Blair: The question is for Saddam.

Saddam: As I told Mr. Tony Benn clearly and simply, if I had links with al-Qaida and I enjoyed those links then I would not be ashamed to tell the world, but since I am ashamed to tell the world of this, it follows that I have no such links.

Bush: Neither do I.

Blair: The second question is for President Bush. President Bush, if America and Iraq were to go to war tomorrow, who would win?

Bush: That's easy. America, right?

Saddam: Even I knew that one.

Bush: That's because the great United American States of America are on the side of rightliness and Americanity, against an evil Axis of Evil made up of Iraq, North Korea and... how many are in an axis? Three?

Blair: I think you're allowed as many as you like.

Bush: OK, Iraq, North Korea and France.!

Saddam: I will tell you frankly and directly that Iraq is not part of any Axis of Evil.

Bush: Who am I thinking of then? Irania?

Blair: Let's move on. Saddam, are you willing to destroy your stockpile of Samoud 2 missiles in accordance with UN weapons inspectors' orders?

Saddam: I explain to you now that if Iraq possessed these so-called weapons, we would never destroy them, but since we do not have any such weapons, we are happy to comply, even though these non-existent weapons certainly do not exceed the proscribed range of 150 kms. I've tested them myself, and we don't have any.

Blair: The final question is for George Bush. Mr President, is there any way that Saddam Hussein can avoid war, and what steps must he now take in order to reach a negotiated solution?

Bush: Listen to me. It's very simple. First Saddam must compile 200% with the UN inspectorers, and I mean activated compilation, not passivist compilation. Second, he must disarm fully, in keeping with UN revelation 1441 and the next one coming, 1441B, which will require him to disarm even more fully than that. Then he must destroy all Samoud missiles and any other weapons of mass destruction he is found, or not found, to be possessive of, without being asked. Finally, there is one more task he must perform, which I am not at liberty to revulge. And even that will not be enough.

Blair: The translator would like to take your answer home with him and work on it over the weekend.

Bush: Fine, but we require nothing less than total disarmature.

Saddam: OK.

Blair: Sorry, but I'm not sure that "disarmature" is a word. I defer to the UN Keeper of the Dictionary, Mr Richard Stilgoe.

Stilgoe: Yes, you can have disarmature. It means, "the action of disarming" according to the OED.

Bush: Exactly. He must cut his own arms off.

Saddam: If it means peace, I will do it.

Bush: Too late.

Stilgoe: Did you know that Saddam Hussein is an anagram of 'Demands a Sushi'?

Saddam: Yes, I've heard them all.

Bush: I don't eat sushi. Is there a fish option?

Blair: I'd like to remind everyone at home that the Monica Lewinsky-Tonya Harding fight follows after the break....
******PARDONNNNNNNNNNN..

[NICK]

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died. "Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy? Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car? "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin'to tell ya." " Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me.." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear? She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father.. " The priest says, "What did he ask Mary? " She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

[Andy]

Another golf joke...

Two guys were out playing a round one day. They were playing a hole that was next to the road outside of the course. As they were walking down the fairway, a funeral procession came down the road. One of the golfers stopped, removed his cap, and waited for the entire procession to pass.

After the funeral procession had gone by, the other golfer remarked "That was a very nice thing to do!"

The first golfer said "I thought it was the least I could do. After all, I was married to the woman for 37 years!"

[canuckrefguy]

ROMANO, your French jokes are a bit too close to the line, if you know what I mean.

I'm from Canada, a place with a rich English AND French heritage, and although they clash, I value and respect the French people and their native country, despite some of the disagreements I may have with them.

It's okay to poke fun at the odd harmless stereotype, but 25 lines of France-bashing is borderline racist.

Being in Israel, I thought you'd be a little more conscious of stuff like that.

Maybe someone should post a bunch of jokes implying the Jews are weak, arrogant, and smelly. But then we'd be Anti-Semetic, right?

Having said all that, a lot of your jokes are hilarious!

[Mark Padgett]

Originally posted by canuckrefguy
It's okay to poke fun at the odd harmless stereotype, but 25 lines of France-bashing is borderline racist.

Since the genome project proved there is no such thing as race, no one can be racist. I guess we'll now have to come up with a term for someone who hates an entire "ethnic group".

[canuckrefguy]

Maybe we can call it "Hitlerism" or something...

Anyway, this joke thread was a great idea, keep 'em coming!

[mick]

An eagle was flying up in Eagle Country, where no birds, no planes, no clouds, no nuthin' was.
He was the king. He took a few loops and a few dives and he was feelin' just a might fine.
After a few more loops and dives, he was gettin' a little hungry up there in Eagle Country, where no birds, no planes, no clouds, no nuthin' was, and he looked far below and saw a frog sittin' on a lily pad.
So, the eagle swoops down, niftily snatches the frog in his talons, heads straight up, flips the frog into the air and swallows it.
Well, now with a full stomach, there he is back in Eagle Country where no birds, no planes, no clouds, no nuthin' was, taking a few loops and a few dives and feelin' good.
Suddenly, there's a, "Hey Eagle."
The eagle looks all around, but he sees nuthin'. (He's in Eagle Country where no birds, no planes, no clouds, no nuthin' was.) Mighty strange!
He take a few more loops, but no more dives, and again he hears, "Hey, Eagle."
The eagle looks all around and finally sees the frog sticking out of an orifice.
"Hey, Eagle?"
"Yeah, whadya want Frog?"
"Hey, Eagle, how high would you say we are?"
Well, now the eagle proudly looks around, cuz he's in Eagle Country where no birds, no planes, no clouds, no nuthin' was, and he says, "Oh, about 10,000 feet."
"Hmmmm." said the frog.
"Hey, Eagle? You wouldn't be ****tin' me now would ya?"

[canuckrefguy]

That one's definitely suitable for GROANING....

[Mark Padgett]

Three samurai once met in a contest to decide which among them was the greatest swordsman in the land.

The judge of the contest bowed to the first samurai and opened a small box before him, and a fly buzzed out of the box. The samurai's sword flashed through the air and the fly fell to the ground, neatly sliced in half. "Very impressive," said the judge.

The judge turned to the second samurai and opened a small box. Again, a fly flew into the air. The samurai's sword flashed twice and the fly fell to the floor, neatly cut into four parts. "Most excellent!" exclaimed the judge.

Finally it was the third samurai's turn. The judge opened a third small box before him, and once more, a fly buzzed out. The samurai's sword flashed through the air and the fly continued to buzz away. The third samurai put up his sword with a satisfied smile and bowed. "But the fly still lives," said the judge. "This is true," replied the samurai, "But he will never reproduce again!"