JOKES!!!

[ROMANO]

A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar.
They like each other and she goes back with him to
his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his
tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which
reads, "Reebok." She thinks that is a bit odd and
asks him about it.

Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras
pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for
advertisement." A bit later, his pants are off and she
sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gives the same
explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the
underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS"
tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock.

"I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!"

He says, "It's cool baby. In a minute it's going to say
'ADIDAS'...

[ROMANO]

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.

"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try."

"Poof!" said the genie.

"You're a housewife

[Edited by ROMANO on Apr 28th, 2003 at 01:42 PM]

[Andy]

A recent survey was conducted asking women to comment on the size of their a**



85% of the women said that their a** was too big.



10% of the women said that their a** was too small.






The other 5% said that it did not matter, they married him and were going to love him anyway!

[ChuckElias]

Originally posted by rainmaker
I'd like to see more of the shaggy-dog-story-multi-pun-punchline type. These are my dad's favorites, and I'd love to find a new one for him.

A long piece of rope walks into a bar, and sits on a stool. The bartender immediately tells him to leave. "We don't serve your kind in here!" he says derisively.

The rope sighs, gets up and leaves the bar. Once outside, he twists himself up and rumples his hair. He then walks back in, and sits at the bar.

The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks, "Aren't you that rope who was just in here a minute ago?"

The rope replied, "Nope, I'm afraid not. . ."
______________________________

A mushroom walks into bar and takes a seat. The bartender immediately tells him to leave. "We don't serve your kind in here!" he says derisively.

"Why not?" asked the mushroom. "I'm a fun guy!"

I also love lightbulb jokes, such as: How many mice can screw in a lightbulb? Only two, and they have to use the missionary position.

I like that one Juules, and I haven't heard it before. Very cute.

Q: How many surrealist painters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Trout

And Steven Wright humor:

Well, you can't have everything. Where would you keep it?

[ChuckElias]

My off-color contribution:

By mere coincidence, three married couples die on the same day and happen to be standing in line at the pearly gates one behind the other.

The first couple approaches the gate and St. Peter pages through his records. He says to the man, "I'm sorry, but I don't see how I can let you in. Your whole life has been devoted to accumulating wealth. You neglected your friends, worked incessantly, never gave anything to charity. You're so obsessed with money that you even married a woman name Penny! I'm sorry, but you'll have to leave."

The second couple reaches the desk and again St. Peter flips through the pages of his book. He says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I can let you in. You wasted your whole life because you were only interested in getting your next drink. You lost years of your life b/c of alcohol. You partied constantly, you never even attempted to rehabilitate yourself. You were so obsessed with alcohol that you even married a woman named Sherry! I'm sorry, but you'll have to leave."

The third man looks at his wife and says, "Well, Fanny, I don't think we have much of a chance. . ."

[Huskerblue]

The Sandals


A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!" So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex
freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Man."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes... something his wife hadn't seen in many years!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!

[Andy]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by ChuckElias

Originally posted by rainmaker
I'd like to see more of the shaggy-dog-story-multi-pun-punchline type. These are my dad's favorites, and I'd love to find a new one for him.

A long piece of rope walks into a bar, and sits on a stool. The bartender immediately tells him to leave. "We don't serve your kind in here!" he says derisively.

The rope sighs, gets up and leaves the bar. Once outside, he twists himself up and rumples his hair. He then walks back in, and sits at the bar.

The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks, "Aren't you that rope who was just in here a minute ago?"

The rope replied, "Nope, I'm afraid not. . ."


Groooooan.....
______________________________

A mushroom walks into bar and takes a seat. The bartender immediately tells him to leave. "We don't serve your kind in here!" he says derisively.

"Why not?" asked the mushroom. "I'm a fun guy!"


Bigger grooooan......

[ChuckElias]

Originally posted by Andy
Groooooan.....
______________________________

Bigger grooooan......

You're welcome!

[ChuckElias]

Originally posted by mick
Someone has to beat:

Nicks' - parrot

Ok, here's my parrot contribution. It's also a bit off-color.

A woman goes to a pet shop. As she looks around, a beautiful parrot catches her eye. The sign on the cage says "FREE". She asks the store owner why it's free.

"Well, it's a beautiful bird, but its language is as colorful as its feathers. You see, his previous owner was the madam of the brothel outside of town. No one wants to buy him, so I'm giving him away."

The woman tries to prompt the bird to speak, but he's silent until another woman enters the store.

"Different whorehouse; new whores," the bird observes.

Well, the woman was surprised, but she figured that if the bird could learn that much, she could teach him better words and she decided that he was so beautiful that she would take him. Besides, he's free, so what can she lose?

She takes the bird and the cage and gets on the city bus to go home. At the next stop, a woman boards the bus and sits down.

"Different whorehouse; new whores," the bird notes.

The woman apologizes and explains the bird's odd vocabulary. She finally reaches her stop, gets off and gets the bird to her home.

After setting up the cage and making the parrot at home, the woman's daughter comes home from school.

"Different whorehouse; new whores," the parrot announces.

The woman gently tries to correct the bird, offering new words for him to repeat.

The woman's husband comes home from work at suppertime.

The bird says, "Hi Dave!"

[meaningless]

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on. She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!!" said the husband, and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude...!

[MNBlue]

Originally Posted by meaningless

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on. She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!!" said the husband, and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude...!

See post #36.

[MCJB Ump]

Originally Posted by MNBlue

See post #36.

So we're supposed to read nearly 300 posts to avoid repeating a joke????????

[mick]

Originally Posted by MCJB Ump

So we're supposed to read nearly 300 posts to avoid repeating a joke????????

Don't sweat it.
Romano's was about an Israeli couple.

[MNBlue]

Originally Posted by MCJB Ump

So we're supposed to read nearly 300 posts to avoid repeating a joke????????

No, I just thought it was funny that the joke by meaningless was his first post, and it was a repeat joke.

[Mark Padgett]

OK - here's my parrot joke.

A guy goes into a pet store and buys a parrot. A few weeks later, he goes into the pet store again. The owner says, "How's the parrot?"

The guy replies, "Great - he was delicious!"

The owner says, "WHAT!!! You mean you ate that parrot? He spoke four languages!"

The guy says, "Then why didn't he say something?"