JOKES!!!

[NICK]

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NHL 4.3, MLB 3.0, and NBA 3.6. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?
Signed, Desperate

Dear Desperate:
First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try to enter the command: "C:\ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME" to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. Remember, though, that overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, or Happy Hour 7.0. Whatever you do: DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0: In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

[ChuckElias]

(This joke was told by Ronald Reagan, so feel free to adapt it to your own political leanings.)

------------------------------------------------
A politician making his first run at the US Senate is making a campaign trip through the small farm towns in one area of his state. He's very nervous, because this area is heavily Democratic and he's unsure of the reception he'll get as a Republican.

He knocks on one farmhouse door, introduces himself and informs the gentleman that he is the running for the Senate on the Republican ticket. The man says, "We don't get a lot of Republicans in this area. Let me get a couple of my buddies up here. I'm sure they'll want to hear what you have to say. Wait here and I'll go make a couple of phone calls."

So the candidate waits patiently, looking for a spot from which to deliver his brilliant oratory. The highest spot on this flat piece of land, however, is a pile of "fertilizer". Not pleasant, but when 20 or so folks from the communtiy show up, he climbs the mound and makes a fairly good speech.

After the speech, the farmer says to him, "Thank you very much. That's the first time we've heard a Republican speech."

The politician answered, "Thank you for listening. That's also the first time I've given a Republican speech from a Democratic platform!"

[NICK]

Brain Cramps
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,
then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

[BLydic]

A man and his wife of 35 years is traveling through Jerusalem when the wife has a terrible reaction to an insect bite and dies.

He finds out that he can have her flown back to the U.S. for $5,000 or buried in Jerusalem for $150.

When confronted about his choice, the man is pretty firm about flying her back to the U.S. The locals are perplexed that someone would spend that kind of money when he could spend $150 and get her buried right there in the holy land.

He explained his reasoning, "There was a man buried in the holy land once and after three days, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance".

[NICK]

NEW PET
A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked
him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?" But
again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about The Lord!?"


YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS!






A little voice came out of the box:.....................






"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes.

[schmitty1973]

What do you call a lady with one leg?

Ilene

What do you call a chinese lady with one leg?

Irene

[JugglingReferee]

How do you blind a chinaman?

Put a windshield in front of him.

[NICK]

Catholic Parrots
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him. "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

[mick]

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement in
State College Pennsylvania, when his limo arrived to take him to Harrisburg
International Airport. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and
spoke to the driver. "You know" he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never
driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?" The driver
said, "No problem. Have a go at it." Billy gets into the driver's seat and
they head off down the highway. As they go thru the Lewistown Narrows
construction zone a rookie Pa State Trooper was operating his First speed
trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The Trooper
pulled out and easily caught the limo and got out of his patrol car to begin
the procedure.
The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was
rolled down he was surprised to see who was driving. He immediately excused
himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. He told the
supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law but I also know that
important people are given certain courtesies. I need to
know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person."
The supervisor asked, "Is it Gov. Rendell?" The young trooper said, "No,
he's more important than that." The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's George W."
The young trooper said, "No, he's even more important than that." The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"
The young trooper said,
"I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!"

[gsf23]

Ole and Sven are out on the boat fishing one day when Sven says:
"Hey Ole, what would you say if I told you that last month when you were out of town I snuck over to your house and made love to your Lena and got her pregnant?"

Ole replies "I'd probably say were even"

[CanuckUmp]

An old irish priest goes into a bar in Ann Arbor, Michigan and sits down at the bar. He says to the bartender "Sir, I'd like to tell you a story about the greatest football team ever, the Notre Dame Fighting Irish". The bartender runs over to him and says "Whoa, buddy! You see those two guys over there? They were both on the offensive line for Michigan, and won the National Championship! The guy playing pool? he was an all-american with the wolverines in '77, and the guy at the end of the bar used to block for Desmond Howard. This place is full of Michigan Wolverines, and they're all listening. Are you sure you want to tell this story?" The priest though a moment, and said "Nah, you're right. I don't want to have to spell the big words."

[gsf23]

Guy walks into an adult bookstore and asks for an inflatable doll.

The counter guy asks him "male or female?"
The guy says "female"
Counter guy says "black or white?"
The guy says "white"
Counter guy says "Christian or Muslim?"
Guy says "What the hell does religion have to do with anything?"
Counter guy says "The muslim one blows itself up."

[PSU213]

Originally Posted by mick

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement in
State College Pennsylvania, when his limo arrived to take him to Harrisburg
International Airport. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and
spoke to the driver. "You know" he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never
driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?" The driver
said, "No problem. Have a go at it." Billy gets into the driver's seat and
they head off down the highway. As they go thru the Lewistown Narrows
construction zone a rookie Pa State Trooper was operating his First speed
trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The Trooper
pulled out and easily caught the limo and got out of his patrol car to begin
the procedure.
The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was
rolled down he was surprised to see who was driving. He immediately excused
himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. He told the
supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law but I also know that
important people are given certain courtesies. I need to
know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person."
The supervisor asked, "Is it Gov. Rendell?" The young trooper said, "No,
he's more important than that." The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's George W."
The young trooper said, "No, he's even more important than that." The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"
The young trooper said,
"I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!"

You have to originally be from PA (or at least spend a lot of time here) if you refer to it as the "Lewistown Narrows."

[Hollerace]

Three chaps are on holidays in Spain and find themselves sitting at a bar together. Each guy orders a draft beer, and a fly lands in each one's beer.

The Irish guy pulls out the fly, discards it, and says, "No harm there," and drinks down his beer.

The English guy immediately returns his beer to the barkeep. "This is disgusting," he says. "I won't drink a tainted beverage."

The Scottish guy carefully picks up his fly by its wings, holds it over the glass and screams, "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"

Ace

[swvaref]

Jesus and Moses where playing golf. Moses hits the ball straight toward the water, the water parts , the ball lands on the green. JESUS hits the ball straight toward the water, the ball bounces over the water lands on the green. Their 3rd person hits the ball it lands in the woods , a bird catches the ball , he gives it to the squirrel , the squirrel takes the ball to the green,drops it in the hole, Moses says I hate it when I play with your DAD