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Fri Apr 25, 2003, 08:13pm
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Sat Apr 26, 2003, 12:28am
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Yom HaShoah |
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Sat Apr 26, 2003, 04:17am
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MARRIAGE
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home." A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity, and recommended that she engage in sexual activity three times a week. A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor, "Please tell my husband." The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week. The 80-year-old husband replied, "Which days?" The doctor answered, "Monday, Wednesday, and Friday would be ideal. The husband said, "I can bring her on Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays, she'll have to take the bus."
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Your reputation precedes you |
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Sat Apr 26, 2003, 07:06am
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another strong one: Bill and Hillary were married for 40 years. When they first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?" Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in".. [Edited by ROMANO on Apr 26th, 2003 at 07:13 AM]
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THE ISRAELI OFFICIAL IS BACK |
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Sat Apr 26, 2003, 05:12pm
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This married man goes to the confessional and says to his priest,"I had an affair with a woman. Almost......"
The priest says,"What do you mean, almost?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. Now say 5 Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves the confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave..... The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in!"
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Your reputation precedes you |
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Sat Apr 26, 2003, 06:32pm
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A guy and his girlfriend were making out on the couch. She started to take his clothes off him when he stopped her.
He said, "I can't, honey. It's Lent." "Oh," she replied, "to whom - and for how long?"
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Yom HaShoah |
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Sun Apr 27, 2003, 01:41am
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My all-time favourite Steven Wright line:
"The other day I bought a packet of instant water...but I didn't know what to add..." |
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Sun Apr 27, 2003, 04:28am
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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a VCR to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,
"Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the light back and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot..... "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you? "Moses," replied the bird. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot "Moses'?" The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name 160-pound Rottweiler 'Jesus'."
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Your reputation precedes you |
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Sun Apr 27, 2003, 11:20am
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There once was this bar with a sign in its window. It read, anyone who can make my horse laugh will have all the drinks they want on the house. So this guy walks in and asks if he can give it a try. The bartender says sure.
The cowboy walks out there and whispers something in the horse's ear. The horse starts laughing hysterically. The guys walks in and the bartender gives him the drinks. The next night the same guy and the same thing happens. The third night the sign is changed to making the horse cry. The guy goes out side and a few minutes later he comes back in and the horse is crying. The bartender says 'OK, you can have your drinks but first tell me what you did to make my horse laugh.' The cowboy said, 'I told him my privates are bigger than his.' 'OK, but how did you make him cry?' The cowboy replied, 'I proved it to him...
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THE ISRAELI OFFICIAL IS BACK |
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Mon Apr 28, 2003, 12:46am
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Re: To date....
Quote:
A guy brings a raccoon home , tells his wife it's a pet. She asks , "Where are you going to keep it?" He repies , "In the bedroom." "But what about that horrible nasty smell?' , she asks. "I got used to you , I'm sure he will too!"
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THE ISRAELI OFFICIAL IS BACK |
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Mon Apr 28, 2003, 03:59am
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"MOODS"
THE MOODS OF A WOMAN An angel of truth and a dream of fiction, A woman is a bundle of contradiction, She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse, But will tackle a stranger alone in the house. Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose, She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose, She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk, She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk, At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad, She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad. THE MOODS OF A MAN Hungry. Horny. Sleepy.
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Your reputation precedes you |
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Mon Apr 28, 2003, 04:13am
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The Train Ride
The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog. A weary American traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat." The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed said, "You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?" "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant.... Imagine!" The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the open window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, demanding that someone defend her honor and chastise the American. An elderly Englishman sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly, "Blimy, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing daft things. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong ***** out the window."
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Your reputation precedes you |
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Mon Apr 28, 2003, 08:07am
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A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude"..
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THE ISRAELI OFFICIAL IS BACK |
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