JOKES!!!

[Andy]

Jesus was playing golf with Moses. First hole, both tee off and are in the fairway. The next shot is about 200 yards to the green with a pond directly in front of the green.

Jesus is away and he says, "Arnold Palmer would use a 5 iron for this shot." Jesus pulls the 5 iron out of his bag, hits the shot, and watches it land right in the middle of the pond. Jesus asks Moses to go get the ball for him. Moses walks up to the pond, spreads his hands apart, the pond waters part, and Moses walks in and picks up Jesus' ball.

Jesus prepares to hit the shot again, same result, right in the pond, Moses gets the ball and returns it to Jesus. This happens several more times....

Finally, the next group waiting on the tee is getting impatient and sends someone up to see what the holdup is.

The golfer says to Moses, "Let's go, willya?!?...Who does this guy think he is, Jesus Christ?!?!?"

Moses replies.....







"No, he thinks he's ARNOLD PALMER!"

[ChuckElias]

Ok, I'm going to offend an ethnic group and a religion at the same time. So if anybody really objects, I'll take it off. But I thought it was pretty funny.


Q: Why don't Italians like Jehovah's Witnesses?

A: Because they don't like any witnesses!

[Jurassic Referee]

Originally Posted by ChuckElias

Ok, I'm going to offend an ethnic group and a religion at the same time. So if anybody really objects, I'll take it off. But I thought it was pretty funny.


Q: Why don't Italians like Jehovah's Witnesses?

A: Because they don't any witnesses!

They don't what, Rodney?

No wonder you don't get any respect.

[ChuckElias]

Originally Posted by Jurassic Referee

They don't what, Rodney?

Ack! I fixed it. What a dork.

[mick]

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a bit, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

[Scrapper1]

A young Jewish man calls his mother to tell her that he's gotten engaged. The mother is very excited and of course wants to meet lucky lady. The son suggests that they meet for lunch at a restaurant so the mom and the fiancee can meet and get to know each other.

The mother gets to the restaurant for lunch and her son is standing at the doorway. He leads her to a table and she sits down across from three beautiful women. The mother asks why there are three women there and the son says it's an experiment to see if the mother can pick out the fiancee by the end of the meal.

So at the end of the meal the son says good-bye to all the women. They leave and the son sits back down.

"So Mom, which one do you think is my fiancee?", the son asks.

"That's easy," says the mother. "The redhead in the middle."

"That's amazing!", the son replies. "How did you know??!?!"

The mother just shrugs. "She's the one I didn't like."

[funnyfunny]

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'
The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,
'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'
The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best.

[GoodBoyaa]

A Chicago lawyer named George successfully defends a major crime lord from charges of dealing drugs, racketeering, murder, kidnapping, and selling arms.
As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabs him by the arm. "Young man, where are your Christian scruples? I believe you would defend Satan himself!"
"I don't know," George says, "what has your kid done?"

[Ideotoget]

car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back and forth till someone with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over. A blonde rolls down the window and says, " Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!" The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

Q: What do you call a blonde in a Volkswagen?
A: FarFromThinking
Submitted by: Michael Sharp

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an "F" in sex.

A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT".
After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.
On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES".
By the time she drove eight miles, shehad cleaned 43 restrooms.

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is working?
A: Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A: Divorcee'

more on _www.zelo.com/blonde








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my dir

[GarthB]

1. Did you hear that Mississippi raised the drinking age to 30?

They're trying to keep alcohol out of high school.


2. A recent widow in Arkansas left the lawyer's office all pissed off after the reading of the will. Her husband left her everything, but she can't get it until she turns 14.


3. A stranger walks into a bar in Arkansas. As everyone stops their conversations and stares at him, the batender asks, "Where y'all from stranger?"

"Tennessee," replied the stranger.

"An' whut do ya do in Tennessee?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a taxidermist," replied the stranger.

"An whut 'xactly is a taxeedermist?" asked the bartender.

"Well, I mount animals," replied the stranger.

"It's okay, folks," yelled the bartender to the others, "He's one of us."

[Steven Tyler]

Originally Posted by GarthB

1. Did you hear that Mississippi raised the drinking age to 30?

They're trying to keep alcohol out of high school.

Speaking of Mississippi, it's where they invented the toothbrush.

If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called the teethbrush.

[Scrapper1]

Originally Posted by Steven Tyler

Speaking of Mississippi, it's where they invented the toothbrush.

If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called the teethbrush.

If you've ever been accused of lying through your tooth, you might be a redneck.

One of my favorites.

[mick]

A woman awakes during the night to fiind her husband was not in bed beside her.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".
The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do" she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued... "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have gotten out today."

[MichaelVA2000]

Visual. Enjoy!
http://raisethewflag.blogspot.com/20...uring-lou.html

[MCJB Ump]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...



The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

'So what do you think about that Doc ?'


The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

'I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.'



One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'

'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the e water's edge.



He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.'

'Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.



Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,
'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

The doctor replied , 'My point exactly.'