JOKES!!!

[mick]

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement in
State College Pennsylvania, when his limo arrived to take him to Harrisburg
International Airport. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and
spoke to the driver. "You know" he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never
driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?" The driver
said, "No problem. Have a go at it." Billy gets into the driver's seat and
they head off down the highway. As they go thru the Lewistown Narrows
construction zone a rookie Pa State Trooper was operating his First speed
trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The Trooper
pulled out and easily caught the limo and got out of his patrol car to begin
the procedure.
The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was
rolled down he was surprised to see who was driving. He immediately excused
himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. He told the
supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law but I also know that
important people are given certain courtesies. I need to
know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person."
The supervisor asked, "Is it Gov. Rendell?" The young trooper said, "No,
he's more important than that." The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's George W."
The young trooper said, "No, he's even more important than that." The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"
The young trooper said,
"I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!"

[gsf23]

Ole and Sven are out on the boat fishing one day when Sven says:
"Hey Ole, what would you say if I told you that last month when you were out of town I snuck over to your house and made love to your Lena and got her pregnant?"

Ole replies "I'd probably say were even"

[CanuckUmp]

An old irish priest goes into a bar in Ann Arbor, Michigan and sits down at the bar. He says to the bartender "Sir, I'd like to tell you a story about the greatest football team ever, the Notre Dame Fighting Irish". The bartender runs over to him and says "Whoa, buddy! You see those two guys over there? They were both on the offensive line for Michigan, and won the National Championship! The guy playing pool? he was an all-american with the wolverines in '77, and the guy at the end of the bar used to block for Desmond Howard. This place is full of Michigan Wolverines, and they're all listening. Are you sure you want to tell this story?" The priest though a moment, and said "Nah, you're right. I don't want to have to spell the big words."

[gsf23]

Guy walks into an adult bookstore and asks for an inflatable doll.

The counter guy asks him "male or female?"
The guy says "female"
Counter guy says "black or white?"
The guy says "white"
Counter guy says "Christian or Muslim?"
Guy says "What the hell does religion have to do with anything?"
Counter guy says "The muslim one blows itself up."

[PSU213]

Originally Posted by mick

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement in
State College Pennsylvania, when his limo arrived to take him to Harrisburg
International Airport. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and
spoke to the driver. "You know" he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never
driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?" The driver
said, "No problem. Have a go at it." Billy gets into the driver's seat and
they head off down the highway. As they go thru the Lewistown Narrows
construction zone a rookie Pa State Trooper was operating his First speed
trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The Trooper
pulled out and easily caught the limo and got out of his patrol car to begin
the procedure.
The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was
rolled down he was surprised to see who was driving. He immediately excused
himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. He told the
supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law but I also know that
important people are given certain courtesies. I need to
know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person."
The supervisor asked, "Is it Gov. Rendell?" The young trooper said, "No,
he's more important than that." The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's George W."
The young trooper said, "No, he's even more important than that." The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"
The young trooper said,
"I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!"

You have to originally be from PA (or at least spend a lot of time here) if you refer to it as the "Lewistown Narrows."

[Hollerace]

Three chaps are on holidays in Spain and find themselves sitting at a bar together. Each guy orders a draft beer, and a fly lands in each one's beer.

The Irish guy pulls out the fly, discards it, and says, "No harm there," and drinks down his beer.

The English guy immediately returns his beer to the barkeep. "This is disgusting," he says. "I won't drink a tainted beverage."

The Scottish guy carefully picks up his fly by its wings, holds it over the glass and screams, "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"

Ace

[swvaref]

Jesus and Moses where playing golf. Moses hits the ball straight toward the water, the water parts , the ball lands on the green. JESUS hits the ball straight toward the water, the ball bounces over the water lands on the green. Their 3rd person hits the ball it lands in the woods , a bird catches the ball , he gives it to the squirrel , the squirrel takes the ball to the green,drops it in the hole, Moses says I hate it when I play with your DAD

[Andy]

Jesus was playing golf with Moses. First hole, both tee off and are in the fairway. The next shot is about 200 yards to the green with a pond directly in front of the green.

Jesus is away and he says, "Arnold Palmer would use a 5 iron for this shot." Jesus pulls the 5 iron out of his bag, hits the shot, and watches it land right in the middle of the pond. Jesus asks Moses to go get the ball for him. Moses walks up to the pond, spreads his hands apart, the pond waters part, and Moses walks in and picks up Jesus' ball.

Jesus prepares to hit the shot again, same result, right in the pond, Moses gets the ball and returns it to Jesus. This happens several more times....

Finally, the next group waiting on the tee is getting impatient and sends someone up to see what the holdup is.

The golfer says to Moses, "Let's go, willya?!?...Who does this guy think he is, Jesus Christ?!?!?"

Moses replies.....







"No, he thinks he's ARNOLD PALMER!"

[BigUmp56]

This is a real restaurant found near the Cooperstown Dreams Park Baseball Complex.





Tim.

[LakeErieUmp]

With over 15 pages in this thread please excuse me if I've duplicated this one.

What's the difference between a poor delusional soul and a Major League Umpire? The poor delusional soul only THINKS he's God.

[Dan_ref]

Originally Posted by Andy

Jesus was playing golf with Moses. First hole, both tee off and are in the fairway. The next shot is about 200 yards to the green with a pond directly in front of the green.

Jesus is away and he says, "Arnold Palmer would use a 5 iron for this shot." Jesus pulls the 5 iron out of his bag, hits the shot, and watches it land right in the middle of the pond. Jesus asks Moses to go get the ball for him. Moses walks up to the pond, spreads his hands apart, the pond waters part, and Moses walks in and picks up Jesus' ball.

Jesus prepares to hit the shot again, same result, right in the pond, Moses gets the ball and returns it to Jesus. This happens several more times....

Finally, the next group waiting on the tee is getting impatient and sends someone up to see what the holdup is.

The golfer says to Moses, "Let's go, willya?!?...Who does this guy think he is, Jesus Christ?!?!?"

Moses replies.....







"No, he thinks he's ARNOLD PALMER!"

Jesus, Moses & St Peter were playing golf 1 fine day in heaven.

At the first tee Jesus hits the ball and it slices far off into the woods, where it bounces off a tree it rolls by a bunny. The bunny hops after it and picks it up in its mouth & hops off...when out of nowehere an eagle appears in the sky and swoops down to quickly grab the bunny & head skyward. As the eagle flies off and is only a speck in the sky thunderclouds appear on the horizon. As the clouds mass thunder is heard, and suddenly a loud clap and a bolt of lightning hits the eagle which drops the bunny which hits the ground on the green causing the ball to pop out of it's mouth. The ball rolls into the cup.

Moses turns to Jesus and says:

"Are you here to play golf or screw around"?

[Sky Popper]

Q: What did the doe say when she came out of the woods?

A: "I'll never do that for two bucks again!"

[ChuckElias]

Some folks have heard me tell this one recently, but here goes:

Q: Why do they give hot chocolate and Viagra to the old men in the retirement home?


A: The hot chocolate gets them to sleep and the Viagra keeps them from rolling out of bed.