JOKES!!!

[mick]

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen" he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down, because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries"
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. *
She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?"

[NICK]

A Jazz Chord
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience, He asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord."
A bit irritated by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.
The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord!"
Well now truly irritated that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK, mister, you get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing...
"A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

[ROMANO]

Is it the most popular topic ever ?..

[BigUmp56]

Two men from very different educational backgrouds went to NY City for a job interview.

One man was a Harvard graduate and very distinguished, and the other was a good old boy that attended a small community college in southern Mississippi.

Both men entered the personel managers office at the same time. When they were seated the manager told them, " You are the two finalists for the job. Your equally qualified to do the job. There is one test I like to use as the final measuring stick when deciding who should be hired in our office. I would like you both to go back out to the lobby and write me a poem that rymes with Timbuktoo somewhere in the poem. I can tell a lot about a man through poetry."

The Harvard grad finished first. His poem read:

" I took a trip upon a ship across the ocean blue "
" Aboard a Spanish frigate that was bound for Timbuktoo."

" Not bad at all my friend," said the manager. " That is the best poem I have ever heard from an applicant."

The good old boy went second with a heavy heart. He felt he didn't do well at all.

His poem went something like this:

" Tim and I to the desert went."
" Where three whores had pitched a tent."
" Since they was three and weez just two."
" I bucked one while Tim bucked two."


Who got the job?

Tim.

[ref18]

Originally posted by BigUmp56
Two men from very different educational backgrouds went to NY City for a job interview.

One man was a Harvard graduate and very distinguished, and the other was a good old boy that attended a small community college in southern Mississippi.

Both men entered the personel managers office at the same time. When they were seated the manager told them, " You are the two finalists for the job. Your equally qualified to do the job. There is one test I like to use as the final measuring stick when deciding who should be hired in our office. I would like you both to go back out to the lobby and write me a poem that rymes with Timbuktoo somewhere in the poem. I can tell a lot about a man through poetry."

The Harvard grad finished first. His poem read:

" I took a trip upon a ship across the ocean blue "
" Aboard a Spanish frigate that was bound for Timbuktoo."

" Not bad at all my friend," said the manager. " That is the best poem I have ever heard from an applicant."

The good old boy went second with a heavy heart. He felt he didn't do well at all.

His poem went something like this:

" Tim and I to the desert went."
" Where three whores had pitched a tent."
" Since they was three and weez just two."
" I bucked one while Tim bucked two."


Who got the job?

Tim.

If I was a judge, this has my vote

[DG]

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." Says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant." says the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my business."

"...Now give me back my dog."

[ThickSkin]

The Coach of a basketball team told me this before the game once (and he is Mexican)

Q:What do you call four mexicans in quick sand?

A:Quatro Sinco

[NICK]

Enlightenment :
1. ARBITRATOR: A cook who leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds.
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do.
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with.
5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.
6. COUNTERFEITERS : Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.
8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does.
10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money.
11. MISTY: How golfers create divots.
12. PARADOX: Two physicians.
13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm.
15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with.
16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring.
18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.
19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.
20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official.

[Jimgolf]

A man is playing golf with his wife. As he is about to tee off on the last hole, his wife walks in front of him. She is struck by the tee shot and falls down dead.

When the police question the man back at the clubhouse, one cop asks, "I can see how the golf ball in the head could be accidental, but she also has a golf ball in her rear end. Can you explain that?"

"Oh, that was my mulligan"

[BigUmp56]

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do
not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me
the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with
a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if
you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper,
that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be
replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just
like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both
feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should
walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you
criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is
not for you.


10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a
day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a
boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that
person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to
remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're
the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to
know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is
to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a
light side and a dark side, and it holds the
universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with
women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning
much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get
until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a
sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


Tim.

[NICK]

Blonde Argument
Dear Diary,
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with
those expensive, double pane, energy efficient kind, but this week I got a call from the contractor, complaining his work had been completed a year ago and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy, did we go around and around! Just because I'm a blonde does not mean I'm automatically stupid.
So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking
sales guy had told me last year, namely, that in one year, the windows would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up. I have not heard anything back.
Guess I won that stupid argument . . . . ! ! !

[BigUmp56]

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?" Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."


Tim.

[BigUmp56]

No Speaka tha English

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady
indignantly. "In this country . . we don't speak aloud in public places
about our sex lives. . "

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' about a sex? I'm
a justa tella' my frienda how to spell a "Mississippi'."

Tim.

[Mike Walsh]

A man with a speech impediment walked into a pet store and asked the clerk, “Dub yube sell birb seeb?” The clerk asked him to repeat what he said, and the man again asked, “Dub yube sell birb seeb?” The clerk couldn’t understand him and yelled at him to get out of the store and stop wasting his time.

Two days later the man returned. He aked the same clerk the same question: “Dub yube sell birb seeb?” The clerk recognized him and told him that he’d better say what he wants clearly, or else. The man tried again, and again the best he could do was to say, “Dub yube sell birb seeb?” Once again the clerk threw him out.

Two days later, the same thing happened. Twice the man asked, “Dub yube sell birb seeb?”, only to be rudely shown the door.

A week later the man once again walked into the bird store, this time carrying a dead parrot. The clerk saw him and started to throw him out immediately when the man said, with slow but perfect diction, “Do you stuff birds?” Well, that’s more like it, the clerk said. He told the man that they did indeed stuff birds, and asked how he could help. The man threw the dead parrot at him and said, “Stuftht thisth up your assp! You starfed the fing to deaf!”

[ChuckElias]

Originally posted by BigUmp56
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

I've heard this one before and like it a lot. But on this website, shouldn't we adjust it to "You're working the plate on Friday" or "You're the R on Friday"?