JOKES!!!

[ROMANO]

A boy comes home from school one day, and he says to his mother, "Mom, today I got laid."

The mother is, of course, shocked and says to the boy, "What did you say? Go upstairs to your room and don't come out until your father gets home."

So, the father comes home and the mother says to the father, "Why don't you go upstairs and ask your son what he's been doing today?"

So the father walks up the stairs and gets up there, slams the door and says, "Son, what did you do today?"

And the son said, "Dad, today I got laid."

The father is really proud of his son and all, and he says to his son, "Son, that's great. You're becoming a man. So, how did you like it?"

And the son said, "Dad, it was great, but next time I'm using vaseline, my butt's killing me." ....

[ROMANO]

Originally posted by NICK
A married man left from work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his pay check) partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?" "That would suit me just fine!!" the man said. Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by with the same result. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.

very fuuny joke. i like man-wife jokes...try this one
A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers.

"Hi, is Tony home?"

"No, he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

"No come in." They sit down and the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Sara thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Sara thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?..

[rainmaker]

Okay, well, I've been kinda busy dealing with reality, and haven't checked in here until now. But I'm flattered and honored to be a judge! I would like to point out that I was raised on jokes of every variety and have a wide ranging and very versatile sense of humor, and I suppose if I were eligible to win (not being a judge!) I'd get every ribbon in every category. So it's just as well that I'm not eligible. (insert pathetic attempt at smilie here...)

I have to admit, these jokes are really quite good, although I'd like to see more of the shaggy-dog-story-multi-pun-punchline type. These are my dad's favorites, and I'd love to find a new one for him. I also love lightbulb jokes, such as,

Why does it take three women with PMS to change a lightbulb?...




IT JUST DOES, OKAY?!?!?

I guess it doesn't translate very well into print.


How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but the lightbulb has to really want to change.


How many mice can screw in a lightbulb? Only two, and they have to use the missionary position.

Here's one I just heard this week: Did you hear about the agnostic Klu Klux Klan? If they don't like you, they burn a question mark on your lawn.

And Steven Wright humor:

My wife and I put a skylight into the livingroom ceiling this weekend. The guy in the apartment upstairs is really, really mad.

I was walking down the street the other day, when the prescription on my glasses ran out.

When I die, I want to go in my sleep like my grandfather, and not screaming and crying like the passengers in his car.

My all-time personal favorite joke:

What happens to a person who is dyslexic, insomniac and agnostic? He lays awake nights worrying about whether or not there is a Dog.

If it's okay with mick, I'll judge on my own, and he can judge on his own, and we'll give more ribbons that way. And I think I'll divide the whole thing up into categories. I'm also gonna include some of the jokes from the basketball board, since I really want to give a ribbon to the one about Moses and the Bush. Also, I want to wait for others to post, so I get a very good choice.

[Edited by rainmaker on Apr 25th, 2003 at 01:28 PM]

[ROMANO]

If it's okay with mick, I'll judge on my own, and he can judge on his own, and we'll give more ribbons that way. And I think I'll divide the whole thing up into categories. I'm also gonna include some of the jokes from the basketball board, since I really want to give a ribbon to the one about Moses and the Bush. Also, I want to wait for others to post, so I get a very good choice.

[Edited by ROMANO on Apr 25th, 2003 at 02:45 PM]

[ROMANO]

Another one for the old fox..
I am a 61 year old male. I had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was the size of a small auditorium, and it was filled with patients. I approached the desk and gave the receptionist my name--a large, imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. In a very loud voice she repeated my name, then said, "Yes, I see your name here mick ..you want to see the doctor about IMPOTENCE, right? I was stunned, but recovered my composure sufficiently to reply in an equally loud voice, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation---and I'd like the same doctor who did yours!"...

[Mark Padgett]

Originally posted by rainmaker
And Steven Wright humor:

My favorite Steven Wright line:

I got a job at a factory that made fire hydrants, but I had to quit because I could never find a parking place close enough.

[ROMANO]

Originally posted by Mark Padgett

My favorite Steven Wright line:

I got a job at a factory that made fire hydrants, but I had to quit because I could never find a parking place close enough.

i like you man...you understand the politics very good ...so who is next?...oh sorry no talking about france..so listen to this:
A bus load of france politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer after seeing what happened went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local policman came out, saw the crashed bus, and then asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
PARDON..

[rainmaker]

Originally posted by ROMANO
The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

This is a funny joke no matter who it's told about. Besides it's a compliment to the French farmer who is smart enough not to believe the politicians!

[Mark Padgett]

Originally posted by rainmaker

This is a funny joke no matter who it's told about. Besides it's a compliment to the French farmer who is smart enough not to believe the politicians!

Juulie - David never said in the joke that the farmer was French, only the politicians. Knowing the French, the bus was probably in Germany on it's way to a surrender festival.

[NICK]

MARRIAGE
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity, and recommended that she engage in sexual activity three times a week. A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor, "Please tell my husband." The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week. The 80-year-old husband replied, "Which days?" The doctor answered, "Monday, Wednesday, and Friday would be ideal. The husband said, "I can bring her on Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays, she'll have to take the bus."

[ROMANO]

Originally posted by Mark Padgett

Juulie - David never said in the joke that the farmer was French, only the politicians. Knowing the French, the bus was probably in Germany on it's way to a surrender festival.

HI..HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT JOKE?...YOU WAS RIGHT...THE FARMER WASN'T FRENCH HE WAS FROM PAKISITAN ..HE JUST VISITED HIS FAMILY..
another strong one:
Bill and Hillary were married for 40 years. When they first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?" Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in"..

[Edited by ROMANO on Apr 26th, 2003 at 07:13 AM]

[NICK]

This married man goes to the confessional and says to his priest,"I had an affair with a woman. Almost......"
The priest says,"What do you mean, almost?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. Now say 5 Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves the confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box.
He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave..... The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in!"

[Mark Padgett]

A guy and his girlfriend were making out on the couch. She started to take his clothes off him when he stopped her.

He said, "I can't, honey. It's Lent."

"Oh," she replied, "to whom - and for how long?"

[canuckrefguy]

My all-time favourite Steven Wright line:

"The other day I bought a packet of instant water...but I didn't know what to add..."

[NICK]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a VCR to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,
"Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the light back and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
"Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.....
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot "Moses'?"
The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name 160-pound Rottweiler 'Jesus'."