Communicating with Coaches

[Bird Dog]

My second year now done, I can reflect on where I need to make improvements.

While there are certainly more areas tan just this one, I think my communication with coaches can be greatly improved. Sample exchange from my 1st year:

Coach: (Caps indicate screaming) HOW WAS THAT A FOUL?!
Me: I saw number 24 foul, coach.
Coach: HOW?!
Me: He held his arm.
Coach: HE GOT ALL BALL!
Me: [silence, no eye contact w/ coach]
Coach: ...CAN YOU ANSWER ME THAT?
Me: You didn't ask a question.
Coach: WHERE WAS THE FOUL!?
Me: [moment of awkward silence, then screaming] I SAW WHAT I SAW COACH!
Coach: WELL YOU'RE A HORRIBLE REF!!
Me: THAT'S A 'T!'


Here's (close to) an actual conversation from this past year from a JV match:

Coach: HE DID'T FOUL HIM, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WERE LOOKING AT!
Me: Do you have a question, coach?
Coach: WHERE WAS THE FOUL!?
Me: He grabbed his arm, coach.
COACH: HE DID NOT!
Me: Look, the offensive player and your player, 34, were both facing me [I was lead in 2-man, opposite table-side]... meaning both players had there back to you. So you did not have the view that I did... I had a clear view of the play right in front of me, saw the grab and BLEW MY WHISTLE!
Coach: WELL THAT'S TERRIBLE... ARE YOU A JV REF OR VARSITY REF?
Me: [argumentative tone] Are you the head coach or the JV coach?
Coach: [glares at me]
Me: [silence, glancing at coach with raised eyebrows]
Coach: [trying to calm down] JV or Varsity?
Me: [trying to calm, but still sarcastic] I am licensed by the KHSAA to call any sanctioned game [our assignor] chooses to give me regardless of level.
Coach: [angry tone] Well your horrible.
Me: [angry tone] Unsportsmanlike. That's your 'T' Coach.


I later found it (sadly) ironic I was calling the Coach "Unsportsmanlike" in the tone I was using. Didn't change the fact he was, but was a poor reflection on me. While veteran officials can tell me certain things to say or not say - the one thing I noticed many of the top officials in my area do, is even if they are in an exchange with a coach where the 2 sides disagree, their tone is never, ever argumentative, never confrontational. In fact, I've seen a few argue with coaches while smiling. Example: [with almost happy tone] "Coach, I'm sorry I didn't see it that way [flashes smile]"

While I certainly can get better at communicating what I call - I can probably get better at how I say it too!

[JRutledge]

This is the hardest part for all of us. It takes more than a few years to get a good grasp of how to interact with a coach and different coaches bring different challenges.

If it was me, I probably would have told the coach to stop yelling at me. And I will answer any questions when he talks in a calmer tone. Often when you address the outrageous behavior first it gives you a chance to take control of the conversation and then get a calmer conversation.

That being said I think those conversations went on too long. You should have said what you had and moved on. And if the coach wanted to continue, just make it clear we will just have to agree to disagree or something like that. Some people say, "Well coach I am telling you how I saw it, you might have seen it differently." Remember they have an interest and it would be a first that we change a call because they think we missed something in these conversations.

Peace

[Raymond]

As long as you recognize that you need to improve you're winning 1/2 the battle.

I have no problem with some of your comments to the coach b/c I for one am tired of having to show deference to someone who is being an a$$-hole. So I just choose to stay away from the coaches as much as possible. My own communication with coaches still has a long way to go.

[JRutledge]

Originally Posted by BadNewsRef

I have no problem with some of your comments to the coach b/c I for one am tired of having to show deference to someone who is being an a$$-hole. So I just choose to stay away from the coaches as much as possible. My own communication with coaches still has a long way to go.

I totally agree with that part. I think the more we deal with total a-holes we figure out to just leave them alone. And that takes time and sometimes talking with other officials to know it is not just "us" that guy was a jerk with.

Peace

[jTheUmp]

Originally Posted by Bird Dog

My second year now done, I can reflect on where I need to make improvements.

While there are certainly more areas tan just this one, I think my communication with coaches can be greatly improved. Sample exchange from my 1st year:

Coach: (Caps indicate screaming) HOW WAS THAT A FOUL?!
Me: I saw number 24 foul, coach.
Coach: HOW?!
Me: He held his arm.
Coach: HE GOT ALL BALL!
Me: [silence, no eye contact w/ coach]
Coach: ...CAN YOU ANSWER ME THAT?
Me: You didn't ask a question.
Coach: WHERE WAS THE FOUL!?

at this point, your response is "I already answered that question, coach. Let's play ball"

Me: [moment of awkward silence, then screaming] I SAW WHAT I SAW COACH!

Never, EVER scream at a coach. Makes you look terrible. Rise above it. If you calmly say what you screamed, you look like you're above the fray.

Coach: WELL YOU'RE A HORRIBLE REF!!
Me: THAT'S A 'T!'

Hopefully it doesn't get to this point, but if it does, remove off "THAT's a 'T'" yell, replace it with a calm "TWEET. Technical foul Red Coach." Then move away to the other side of the gym.

Here's (close to) an actual conversation from this past year from a JV match:

Coach: HE DID'T FOUL HIM, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WERE LOOKING AT!
Me: Do you have a question, coach?
Coach: WHERE WAS THE FOUL!?
Me: He grabbed his arm, coach.
COACH: HE DID NOT!
Me: Look, the offensive player and your player, 34, were both facing me [I was lead in 2-man, opposite table-side]... meaning both players had there back to you. So you did not have the view that I did... I had a clear view of the play right in front of me, saw the grab and BLEW MY WHISTLE!

Replace the "BLEW MY WHISTLE" with "made the call", and I think you're ok here, although you might try to shorten this up with to "I had a great angle, saw the hold, and made the call"

Coach: WELL THAT'S TERRIBLE... ARE YOU A JV REF OR VARSITY REF?
Me: [argumentative tone] Are you the head coach or the JV coach?
Coach: [glares at me]
Me: [silence, glancing at coach with raised eyebrows]
Coach: [trying to calm down] JV or Varsity?
Me: [trying to calm, but still sarcastic] I am licensed by the KHSAA to call any sanctioned game [our assignor] chooses to give me regardless of level.

Try this on for size:
Coach: WELL THAT'S TERRIBLE... ARE YOU A JV REF OR VARSITY REF?
Me: [neutral tone] That's enough, coach. or Don't go there, coach. (alternately, you could to to a T right away if he's been a problem child earlier in the game). Then, walk away. Hopefully, then none of the rest of the conversation happens... but if it does happen at a distance, time to serve some T.
Coach: [glares at me]
Me: [silence, glancing at coach with raised eyebrows]
Coach: [trying to calm down] JV or Varsity?
Me: [trying to calm, but still sarcastic] I am licensed by the KHSAA to call any sanctioned game [our assignor] chooses to give me regardless of level.

Coach: [angry tone] Well your horrible.
Me: [angry tone] Unsportsmanlike. That's your 'T' Coach.

Remove the angry tone, and go with the "TWEET. Techincal foul, Red coach." that I referenced above.

[maven]

Consider an alternative approach:

Coach: HE DIDN'T FOUL HIM, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WERE LOOKING AT!
You: Coach, I'll be happy to discuss it with you if you can lower your voice.

Crucial first step is to lower the volume. At that point either he will or won't. If he won't, tell him that's enough, then whack him. If he will, then:

Coach: OK, tell me how that was a foul.
You: Well, coach, what did you see?
Coach: I didn't see a foul!!
You: Sure, but what DID you see?

Here, you invite the coach to have his say, which is (or should be) what he's really after anyway. It also gives you a moment to collect your thoughts and review the play in your mind. Again, either he'll take advantage of this opportunity, or not. If not, then move along with the game. If so, then:

Coach: My guy was straight up and down.
You: OK, from my angle he brought his arms down into the shooter, then lifted them back up again.

At this point, you've both had your say. Time to close it down and move along.

Coach: He did not!/That's not what happened!/No way!
You: Coach if it happened your way then I missed it. Now we're going to get back to the game.

Following an approach like this allows you to remain respectful, gives the coach his say, but moves the game along at a reasonable pace. If it breaks down, warn in an even tone, "that's enough" (never: "not another word!" which almost always backfires). Then whack. If he gets personal, whack immediately.

Remember, you've brought a gun to a knife fight.

[zm1283]

I try not to engage them unless they ask me a question. Comments are ignored unless they cross the line or if he becomes persistent. When I've answered their question once and they keep repeating themselves, I will just give them an "Okay" and not my head, or tell them it is time to move on and that I'm done discussing the play. That puts the ball in their court and they can choose how to handle it from there.

I had two or three instances this season where I really didn't see a play very well and the coach was persistent. I just told him I didn't see it and it's very possible I missed it. You can't do that several times a game, but most of them that are fair will appreciate the honesty.

[Scratch85]

I've given up on trying to prepare statements to use on coaches. My experience is that the noisy complainers don't care what you say so my comments to them are short and over. If a coach wants to have a legitimate conversation, I have one with him.

I've also found "you may have a point", "I may have missed that one", "if it happened as you say then I missed it" and other conceding statements do little to relieve the headache.

I've never tried, "we will have to agree to disagree and move on." I have used, "absolutely a foul (or no foul) coach." and then I move on.

[JRutledge]

Originally Posted by Scratch85

I've never tried, "we will have to agree to disagree and move on." I have used, "absolutely a foul (or no foul) coach." and then I move on.

I have used the latter several times too. I just want the conversation to end. I really do not care how it happens.

Peace

[maven]

Originally Posted by Scratch85

I've never tried, "we will have to agree to disagree and move on." I have used, "absolutely a foul (or no foul) coach." and then I move on.

Coaches call that "being unapproachable," and often hold such officials in low(er) regard. Many officials don't care, and this point will fail to move them.

You can give a coach his say without being a pushover and without permitting him to be an a$$hat. It's not an either/or situation. Finding the right balance is a real art, but it distinguishes the best officials, IMO.

[egj13]

Originally Posted by maven

Coach: He did not!/That's not what happened!/No way!
You: Coach if it happened your way then I missed it. Now we're going to get back to the game.

Over the years as I matured...some argue I still haven't...this is the approach I most often take unless they don't offer me the opportunity to get to this point. I have no problem with saying "Not saying I haven't missed a call in my life but I saw X so that is what we are going with." 90% of the coaches I have encountered will drop it or at least begin to cool down after this. I think many of our compadres that refuse to admit error cause coaches to look at us like we think we are above the game.

[Tio]

I think it is really great you are working on this. The reality is that if you want to move up and get better games, you have to be able to communicate successfully with coaches. If you can't it will inhibit your progression. The top officials are almost always better communicators, problem-solvers... good skills in these areas can overcome average play-calling ability.

My feedback from Conversation #1:

You have to de-escalate the tension in the conversation. If a coach is yelling then before dialog can occur we need to reduce the volume to conversational. "Coach stop yelling at me." "Coach, I am happy to talk to you but not if you are yelling." Be professional, but if you approach a coach and he continues to yell, then back away. What we want to avoid is a coach yelling because we won't listen to him or are too far away. Sometimes you just need to stay away from a situation and with experience you will get a feel of when you should/shouldn't communicate with a coach.

I do not see why you need to get the last word "that's a T" in. This is only going to make a bad situation worse. A tech. should be called with the same emotion or even calmer than a regular call.

Conversation #2:

I would just say coach, "I saw a foul. The kid was hit on the arm." If he disagrees then say "I saw it differently" or "we will have to agree to disagree then." Getting into a verbal pissing match over JV or varsity coach is not good. He may feel like you are big-timing him if he is the JV coach. Remember that today's JV coach is tomorrow's varsity coach.

Keep working at it.

[Raymond]

Originally Posted by Tio

... Remember that today's JV coach is tomorrow's varsity coach...

Problem is that often these coaches forget that today's JV official is tomorrow Varsity official. Sometimes literally.

[JetMetFan]

Originally Posted by Bird Dog

Coach: (Caps indicate screaming) HOW WAS THAT A FOUL?!
Me: I saw number 24 foul, coach.
Coach: HOW?!
Me: He held his arm.
Coach: HE GOT ALL BALL!
Me: [silence, no eye contact w/ coach]
Coach: ...CAN YOU ANSWER ME THAT?
Me: You didn't ask a question.
Coach: WHERE WAS THE FOUL!?
Me: [moment of awkward silence, then screaming] I SAW WHAT I SAW COACH!
Coach: WELL YOU'RE A HORRIBLE REF!!
Me: THAT'S A 'T!'


Here's (close to) an actual conversation from this past year from a JV match:

Coach: HE DID'T FOUL HIM, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WERE LOOKING AT!
Me: Do you have a question, coach?
Coach: WHERE WAS THE FOUL!?
Me: He grabbed his arm, coach.
COACH: HE DID NOT!
Me: Look, the offensive player and your player, 34, were both facing me [I was lead in 2-man, opposite table-side]... meaning both players had there back to you. So you did not have the view that I did... I had a clear view of the play right in front of me, saw the grab and BLEW MY WHISTLE!
Coach: WELL THAT'S TERRIBLE... ARE YOU A JV REF OR VARSITY REF?
Me: [argumentative tone] Are you the head coach or the JV coach?
Coach: [glares at me]
Me: [silence, glancing at coach with raised eyebrows]
Coach: [trying to calm down] JV or Varsity?
Me: [trying to calm, but still sarcastic] I am licensed by the KHSAA to call any sanctioned game [our assignor] chooses to give me regardless of level.
Coach: [angry tone] Well your horrible.
Me: [angry tone] Unsportsmanlike. That's your 'T' Coach.

At least you're learning As time goes on you'll realize fewer words are better because, try as we might, we're not going to make some coaches happy and that's not our job anyway.

Just my $0.02 but...In scenario #1 after "How was that a foul?!" if you just stopped at "Coach, he held his arm" it might have ended there. If he goes on in the way you say he did, I stop talking. He'll get the idea.

In scenario #2, I probably don't say a word to him after his first comment unless he's acted out before. In that case he may get "Coach, that's enough." If he actually got to the "where was the foul?" question then sure, tell him #34 grabbed his arm. Don't even bother with the extended explanation since he doesn't want to hear it anyway. The question about what level you work should shut down any conversation with him for the rest of the game and, in IMO, at least an official warning. Engaging with crazy can only lead to more crazy.

[Adam]

Originally Posted by Bird Dog

My second year now done, I can reflect on where I need to make improvements.

While there are certainly more areas tan just this one, I think my communication with coaches can be greatly improved. Sample exchange from my 1st year:

Coach: (Caps indicate screaming) HOW WAS THAT A FOUL?!
Me: I saw number 24 foul, coach.
Coach: HOW?!
Me: He held his arm.
Coach: HE GOT ALL BALL!
Me: [silence, no eye contact w/ coach]
Coach: ...CAN YOU ANSWER ME THAT?
Me: You didn't ask a question.
Coach: WHERE WAS THE FOUL!?
Me: [moment of awkward silence, then screaming] I SAW WHAT I SAW COACH!
Coach: WELL YOU'RE A HORRIBLE REF!!
Me: THAT'S A 'T!'

As others have said, there's no need for this last comment.

IF, you address his first yell, it's by telling him to calm down. "Coach, if you have a question, then ask it appropriately. Don't try to coach me."

If he continues to scream at you, T time.

By the time you got to the T, you'd allowed yourself to get too emotional. Shut him down or T him sooner, before you get to that point.

Originally Posted by Bird Dog

Here's (close to) an actual conversation from this past year from a JV match:

Coach: HE DID'T FOUL HIM, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WERE LOOKING AT!
Me: Do you have a question, coach?
Coach: WHERE WAS THE FOUL!?
Me: He grabbed his arm, coach.
COACH: HE DID NOT!
Me: Look, the offensive player and your player, 34, were both facing me [I was lead in 2-man, opposite table-side]... meaning both players had there back to you. So you did not have the view that I did... I had a clear view of the play right in front of me, saw the grab and BLEW MY WHISTLE!
Coach: WELL THAT'S TERRIBLE... ARE YOU A JV REF OR VARSITY REF?
Me: [argumentative tone] Are you the head coach or the JV coach?
Coach: [glares at me]
Me: [silence, glancing at coach with raised eyebrows]
Coach: [trying to calm down] JV or Varsity?
Me: [trying to calm, but still sarcastic] I am licensed by the KHSAA to call any sanctioned game [our assignor] chooses to give me regardless of level.
Coach: [angry tone] Well your horrible.
Me: [angry tone] Unsportsmanlike. That's your 'T' Coach.

Again, no need for this last comment. Blow your whistle, talk to your partner, and report the T to the table. You have no need to tell the coach anything. There's no point.

Other than you're elongated explanation, this isn't so bad up to the point where I would have called the T. In this conversation, at that volume, I'm highly unlikely to respond anyway but a T to this. I certainly wouldn't have asked him your follow-up question. This is where you fell into his trap.