Gold-Medal Jokes

[rainmaker]

Okay, well here we go. I have 15 categories, and I'm giving each one a separate post (not a separate thread!!). The hardest part was finding the clip-art to put into the posts.

But it's been fun -- the variety of humor is quite interesting. I wish there had been some limericks, but oh well.

May I have the first envelope, please...

[rainmaker]

For the best political comment:

ROMANO!! and The Great Saddam and Bush Debate

Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam Hussein's challenge to a televised debate, Tim Dowling exclusively reveals what could have happened had they met
Tuesday February 25, 2003

Tony Blair, moderator: Welcome to the first televised debate between George W. Bush and Saddam Hussein, live from United Nations headquarters in New York. We will begin with a brief opening statement from each of you.

, Bush: First of all I would just like to welcome my evil friend to the UN, one of the great American institutions for the propulsion of freedom throughout the world.

Saddam: Thank you, Great Satan. I hope that in today's debate we may find some common ground between the Iraqi people's commitment to peace and human progress and America's desire to destroy the Middle East.

Bush: Do I answer that?

Blair: No. The first question is quite simply this: do you have any links with al-Qaida?

Bush: I do not.

Blair: The question is for Saddam.

Saddam: As I told Mr. Tony Benn clearly and simply, if I had links with al-Qaida and I enjoyed those links then I would not be ashamed to tell the world, but since I am ashamed to tell the world of this, it follows that I have no such links.

Bush: Neither do I.

Blair: The second question is for President Bush. President Bush, if America and Iraq were to go to war tomorrow, who would win?

Bush: That's easy. America, right?

Saddam: Even I knew that one.

Bush: That's because the great United American States of America are on the side of rightliness and Americanity, against an evil Axis of Evil made up of Iraq, North Korea and... how many are in an axis? Three?

Blair: I think you're allowed as many as you like.

Bush: OK, Iraq, North Korea and France.!

Saddam: I will tell you frankly and directly that Iraq is not part of any Axis of Evil.

Bush: Who am I thinking of then? Irania?

Blair: Let's move on. Saddam, are you willing to destroy your stockpile of Samoud 2 missiles in accordance with UN weapons inspectors' orders?

Saddam: I explain to you now that if Iraq possessed these so-called weapons, we would never destroy them, but since we do not have any such weapons, we are happy to comply, even though these non-existent weapons certainly do not exceed the proscribed range of 150 kms. I've tested them myself, and we don't have any.

Blair: The final question is for George Bush. Mr President, is there any way that Saddam Hussein can avoid war, and what steps must he now take in order to reach a negotiated solution?

Bush: Listen to me. It's very simple. First Saddam must compile 200% with the UN inspectorers, and I mean activated compilation, not passivist compilation. Second, he must disarm fully, in keeping with UN revelation 1441 and the next one coming, 1441B, which will require him to disarm even more fully than that. Then he must destroy all Samoud missiles and any other weapons of mass destruction he is found, or not found, to be possessive of, without being asked. Finally, there is one more task he must perform, which I am not at liberty to revulge. And even that will not be enough.

Blair: The translator would like to take your answer home with him and work on it over the weekend.

Bush: Fine, but we require nothing less than total disarmature.

Saddam: OK.

Blair: Sorry, but I'm not sure that "disarmature" is a word. I defer to the UN Keeper of the Dictionary, Mr Richard Stilgoe.

Stilgoe: Yes, you can have disarmature. It means, "the action of disarming" according to the OED.

Bush: Exactly. He must cut his own arms off.

Saddam: If it means peace, I will do it.

Bush: Too late.

Stilgoe: Did you know that Saddam Hussein is an anagram of 'Demands a Sushi'?

Saddam: Yes, I've heard them all.

Bush: I don't eat sushi. Is there a fish option?

Blair: I'd like to remind everyone at home that the Monica Lewinsky-Tonya Harding fight follows after the break....


[Edited by rainmaker on May 7th, 2003 at 12:12 PM]

[rainmaker]

For the best Shaggy Dog Story with a Multi-Pun Ending....

ROMANO and the Ghost Dog

In a small country pub, all the patrons became quite used to the pub owner's little dog being around the bar, so were quite upset when one day the little dog died. Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little dog. The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up behind the bar to remind everyone of the little dog's wagging tail.

The little dog went up to heaven and was about to run through the pearly gates when he was stopped by Saint Peter, who questioned the little dog as to where he was going. The little dog said "I have been a good dog - so I am going into heaven where I belong!". Saint Peter replied "Heaven is a place of perfection, you can not come into heaven without a tail, where is your tail?"

The little dog explained the what had happened back on earth. Saint Peter told the little dog to go back down to earth and retrieve his tail. The little dog protested that it was now the middle of the night on earth, but Saint Peter would not change his mind.

So the little dog went back down to earth and scratched on the door of the pub until the bartender who lived upstairs came down and opened the door.

"My goodness, it is the spirit of the little dog. What can I do for you?" said the bartender. The little dog explained that he wasn't allowed into heaven without his tail, and he needed it back. The bartender replied "I would really like to help you, but my liquor license doesn't allow me to retail spirits after hours!"

[Edited by rainmaker on May 7th, 2003 at 12:17 PM]

[rainmaker]

The ROFLMAO Single Post award ...

Chuck Elias and various A Man Walked into a Bar puns

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll
serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was assalted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of
home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad
Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see
you're nuts."

[Edited by rainmaker on May 7th, 2003 at 12:26 PM]

[rainmaker]

The "God Gets the Last Word" Trophy goes to

PGCougar and the Golfing Priest

A priest, feeling overworked, tired, and reluctant to complete his duties for Sunday services, feigns illness and gets the assistant pastor to fill in for him. Sunday turns out to be a beautiful day, so he sneaks out of the rectory in order to play a round of golf.

Saint Peter, observing all this from above becomes annoyed at this unprofessional behavior and decides to go to God. God assures him that he'll take care of it.

As the priest lines up his shot at the first tee, he takes a magnificent swing at the ball. The shot is perfect, sailing effortlessly to the green, taking a few short graceful bounds and dropping gently into the cup. The priest is stunned to have the very first hole in one in his life.

Saint Peter, watching in complete disbelief marches back to God. "I thought you said you'd take care of the situation!" he exclaimed.

God remarked, "I did. Who do you think he's going to tell about this one?"

[Edited by rainmaker on May 8th, 2003 at 09:58 AM]

[rainmaker]

Is anyone surprised that I am giving the Psykist Medal to

Andy and his Screwing a Chicken Joke!!

A man goes into the local whorehouse and tells the madam that he wants to try something different. The madam says that she has just the thing for him.

She takes him through a series of turning hallways and opens a door to a room. The only thing in the room is a live chicken on the bed.

The man says "Whoa, I didn't mean anything that different!"

The madam convinvces him to try it by offering the chicken to him at no charge.

About an hour later, he emerges from the room covered with feathers and tells the madam that it was the best time he has ever had. He says that he will be back soon!

About a week later, he returns and asks for the chicken again. The madam says that the chicken is not available, but she has something even better. He eagerly accepts. She escorts him to a room with about ten seats in front of a window. There are a few other men in the room. After a few minutes, the lights go on behind the window and a gorgeous couple are having wild sex.

After a few minutes, the man leans over to the guy next to him and says "This is pretty good, huh?"

The guy replies "This is nothing, you should have been here last week. They had some guy screwing a chicken!"

[Edited by rainmaker on May 7th, 2003 at 12:19 PM]

[rainmaker]

Best Blonde Joke

NICK and the 51 Days

51 Days
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table.
The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed children's jigsaw puzzle. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture explains, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together.
"The side of the box said 2 to 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

[Edited by rainmaker on May 7th, 2003 at 12:30 PM]

[rainmaker]

Best Golf Joke

canuckrefguy and The Shed Near the Green

A man was out one Sunday golfing with his wife, as they had done each weekend for the last 10 years. On the 14th hole, which borders the course's maintanence area, the man pulls his drive way left, onto a grassy patch near the maintanence shop.

Upon arriving at his ball, he discovers that there is a tool shed about six feet away from his ball, directly in his path back to the fairway. He curses his luck, but then his wife says "There's doors on both sides of the shed. Open up the doors and hit it through".

The man decides to try it. He winds up, hits the ball, but it catches the door frame on the shed and riccochets back, hitting his wife right between the eyes, killing her on the spot.

A year later, the man is golfing again, this time with people from the club. Sure enough, on hole 14, he pulls his tee shot again, back into the maintanence area and discovers that the tool shed is again blocking his path. One of his partners says "There's doors on both sides of the shed. Open them up and hit it through the gap."

"Are you kidding?" the man replies angrily, "I tried that last year and wound up making six!"

[Edited by rainmaker on May 7th, 2003 at 12:37 PM]

[rainmaker]

Most Hilarious Farmer's Daughter Story

Bob Jenkins and the Beaux Named Freddy, Joe, and ...

A farmer has three daughters, all getting ready to go out on a date (well, different dates) one Friday evening. The farmer, as is his wont (yes, that's a word), gathers his shotgun and stands by the front door, ready to greet the young gentlemen.

Soon, the doorbell rings. The farmer opens the door and the young gentleman says, "Hi. My name is Freddy. I'm here for Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. Is she ready?"

The farmer looks the well-dressed caller over, and nods his assent. The happy couple drives away.

After a few minutes, the doorbell rings again.

"Hello, my name is Joe. I'm here for Flo. We've got tickets to the show. Can she go?"

Again, the farmer gives his blessing, and the couple heads off.

The farmer has no sooner shut the door when the doorbell rings for the third time.

"Hello, my name is Chuck. ..."

BANG, the farmer shoots him.

[Edited by rainmaker on May 7th, 2003 at 12:25 PM]

[rainmaker]

Catchiest Straight Pun

Mark Padgett and the Dog That Spoke Yiddish

A man wanted to get a new dog, so he went down to the pet store. He found a dog he liked the looks of, and the pet store owner told him that this was a nice Jewish dog, and his name was Irving, and he'd make a very good pet.

The guy thought that sounded great so he bought Irving and took him home. After a few days of teaching Irving tricks, he wanted to show him off to his friends, so he invited his neighbor over to see.

He called Irving into the house, bragging about what a smart dog he is. The dog quickly came running and stood looking up at his master, tail wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation.

Pointing at the newspaper lying by the door, he commanded, "Okay, Irving, Fetch!"

Immediately, the dog climbed up on to the couch and sat there, his tail wagging furiously. Then all of a sudden, he stopped, his doggy smile changing to an expression of annoyance.

Looking up at his master, Irving opened his mouth and whined, "You think this is easy, wagging my tail all the time? Oy, this constant wagging of the tail puts me in such pain, you should only know! And you think it's easy eating that dreck you call dog food. It gives me gas! And the runs, but what do you care? Why don't you try it if you think it's so good? You try it. Dreck I say! Then you push me out the door to take care of my business in the filthy yard. It's disgusting I tell you! When was the last time you took me for a nice long walk? I can't remember when!"

The neighbor's jaw dropped, as he sat there staring stunned at the dog. "I can't believe it!" he said. "Your dog is sitting on the couch talking to us!"

"I know, I know." sighed the owner. "He's not trained very well yet. He thought I said, 'Kvetch'!"

[Edited by rainmaker on May 7th, 2003 at 12:13 PM]

[rainmaker]

Sniggering Junior High Humor First Place Ribbon

Huskerblue and The Sandals!

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!" So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex
freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Man."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes... something his wife hadn't seen in many years!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!

[Edited by rainmaker on May 7th, 2003 at 12:10 PM]

[rainmaker]

Pope Joke of the Year Award

bluezebra and The Pope Goes to Heaven

The pope dies of old age and finds himself at the gates of Heaven at 0300. He knocks on the gate and a very sleepy-eyed Navy master chief opens the gate and asks, "Wadda ya
want?" "I'm the recently deceased pope and have done 63 years of godly works and thought I should check in here." The watchman checks his clipboard and says, "I ain't got
no orders for you here,just bring your stuff and we'll sort this out in the morning. " They go to an old World War II receiving barracks, third deck, open squad bay. All the bottom racks are taken and all emptylockers have no doors. The pope stows his gear under a rackand climbs into an upper bunk. The next morning he awakens to sounds of cheering and clapping. He goes to the window and sees a flashy Jaguar convertible parading down the clouds from the golden headquarters building. The cloud walks are lined with saints and angels cheering and tossing confetti. In the back seat of the Jaguar sits a Marine sergeant
major in dress blues, his gold parachute wings glistening on his chest, a cigar in his mouth, a bottle of San Miguel in one hand, and his other arm around a voluptuous blonde
angel with a pair of magnificent halos. This disturbs the pope and he runs downstairs to the master-at-arms shack and says, "Hey, what gives? You put me, the pope with 63 years
of godly deeds, in an open squad bay barracks, while this Marine -- who must've committed every sin known and unknown to man -- is staying in a mansion on the hill and getting a hero's welcome. How can this be? The master at arms calmly looks up and says, "We get a pope up here every 10 or 20 years, but we ain't never had a Marine sergeant major before

[Edited by rainmaker on May 7th, 2003 at 12:15 PM]

[rainmaker]

The "I'm Assuming This is only a Joke, Because I Can't Personally Confirm It" Trophy

Romano and Dennis Rodman's Tattoo's


A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar.
They like each other and she goes back with him to
his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his
tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which
reads, "Reebok." She thinks that is a bit odd and
asks him about it.

Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras
pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for
advertisement." A bit later, his pants are off and she
sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gives the same
explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the
underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS"
tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock.

"I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!"

He says, "It's cool baby. In a minute it's going to say
'ADIDAS'...
__________________

[Edited by rainmaker on May 7th, 2003 at 12:08 PM]

[rainmaker]

"Once is Never Enough" Double-Punchline Trophy

PA Coach and That Darn Belltower

So there is the tower with a bell at the top that this priest rings every day at 6 o'clock. But the priest is getting old, so he runs a newspaper ad: "Bell Ringer Wanted". Well, only one guy answers the ad; a quadrapelgic in a wheelchair.

The priest says, "I don't think you are the man for the job."

But the quadraplegic says, "Just get me up there, I can do it."

"Well, no one else applied, so the job is yours."

So at 6 o'clock the man is up there in his wheelchair. He wheels over to the bell and slams into with his face, ringing the bell. He backs up and starts wheeling over there again, veers off to the left, falls out of the tower and he's dead.

A group of townsfolk gather 'round, and one of them asks, "does anyone know who this guy is?"

The priest says, "I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell!"

So there is still no one to ring the bell. The priest runs his ad again, and again only one guy applies. Another quadraplegic, brother of the first guy who had the job.

"Things didn't work out so well with your brother," said the priest.

"Anything my brother could do I can do better," said the applicant.

"Well, no one else applied, so the job is yours."

At 6 o'clock, the man is up in the tower in his wheelchair. He wheels over to the bell, slams into it with his face, and rings it. He backs up, wheels over again, veers off to the right, falls out of the tower, and he is dead. Again the townsfolk gather.

"Does anyone know who this guy is?"

The priest says, "well, I don't know his name, but he's a dead ringer for his brother!"

[Edited by rainmaker on May 7th, 2003 at 12:35 PM]

[rainmaker]

Best Tax Joke

NICK and the Generous Congregant

Father O'Malley answers the phone: "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will"

[Edited by rainmaker on May 7th, 2003 at 12:23 PM]