JOKES!!!

[MCJB Ump]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you? " Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"


A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."


" Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week," "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."


A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids".


An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you". The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."


A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..""Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.


Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."


A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling."I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter- word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse."OOPS"

[Steven Tyler]

WAIT RIGHT HERE, DONT GO ANYWHERE....
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me" "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

NOTHING BOTHERS ME......
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

WATCH YOUR STEP....
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

LET'S RIDE....
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

SWEATING TO THE OLDIES....
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

CLEAN UP, AISLE 4....
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over WalMart-Mart. "WalMart-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why WalMart-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"

WHAT DID I SAY....
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

I LOVES ME TWINKIES....
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

SWITCH TO DECAF....
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

GO, GO, GO....
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

WHATCH YOU LOOKIN' AT....
THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

[soundedlikeastrike]

A baseball fan dies and goes to heaven.
He is met a the Pearly Gates by St. Peter, who welcomes him in.
The baseball fan asks "is there baseball in heaven?"
St. Peter says "yes of course, we play a double header with a team from hell everyday".

The excited fan asks, well you do you have on your team?

St. Peter say's, we have a very good team, and begins to rattle of the likes of Ruth, Gehring, Cobb, Clemente, etc. etc....

The now very excited awe struck fan says, "wow, you must win every game with that line-up"?

St. Peter say's "well no, in fact, we haven't won a game yet."

"What", says the fan, "how can that be"?

Well says St. Peter "they bring the umpires".

[soundedlikeastrike]

A BB scout is out looking at HS pitching prospect. He send the following telegraph/text message, back to the owner: Send more money, can't hit what can't see.

Of course the money is sent and deal is done.

The rookie gets his first assigment, a start against the Yankees.
After a few warm-up tosses, F2 trouts out and welcomes the kid to the bigs.

Then he says okay kid, heres the signs; one finger is a fastball, two fingers is a curve, got it?

The kid nods and echos "one finger fastball, two fingers curve", got it.

First pitch, F2 puts down 1 finger. F1 winds up and uncorks a ball, that goes nearly 1/2 way up the backstop, for ball 1.

F2, thinks "man the kids a little nervous, he'll be okay".
Squats and gives the FB sign again.
Wiind up, uncorked, nearly straight into the 1B dugout, ball two.
Wow, thinks F2, "this kids tighter-n-frogs a--". He then gets a idea, "I'll try the curve ball, maybe the extra concentration needed will give the kid a chance to quit thinking about his new surroundings, calm him down a bit".
He gives the curve ball sign.
The wind up. the kid snaps one off that has Jetter bailing and laying on his a--, "Strike" is the call.
"Ah", thinks F2, "there we go, he's back with us now". So F2 flashes the FB sign again, wind up, uncorked, nearly into the 3rd base dugout, ball.

Finally F2's had it, "time" he says and trots on out to see what's going on.
He says, "kid that was the best damn curve ball I've ever seen, what's the deal with the fast ball?

The kids holds up the ball with two finger across the seams, and says "we'll that 2 finger curveball, I can handle", but, as he switches his grip to the ball now being held between his "thumb and forefinger", that one finger fast ball is tough to control.