JOKES!!!

[wsttxump]

Mowing and Beer

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer

and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she

came over and shouted at me,

"You should be hung!"

I took a drink from my can of Coors Light, wiped the cold foam from

my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly

into the eyes of this nosy a*s neighbor and then calmly replied,

"I am. That's why she cuts the grass."

[aceholleran]

A woman takes her dog--who's a little long in the tooth--to the vet. "He seems to be having trouble breathing," says the owner.

The doc does a quick exam and announces, "Not to worry, ma'am. At his age, he has too much hair up his nose. I'm going to prescribe a depilatory for him. But be careful, this stuff has to be diluted with water. The pharmacist will give you instructions."

She goes to the pharmacist who says, "Lady, this stuff is powerful. If you're going to use it on your legs, cut it 3 to 1 with water."

She says, "It's not for my legs."

The pharmacist says, "OK. If you're going to put it on your upper lip, cut it 5 to 1 with water."

She says, "Look, mister. It's not for my lip."

"Well, lady. As I said, this is powerful stuff. You have to tell me how you're going to use it!"

She says, "It's for my Schnauzer."


[pause]






"Fine," says the pharmacist. "Then cut it 10 to 1 with water and don't ride a bicycle for two weeks."

Ace in CT

[aceholleran]

Three gents from Europe are spending holidays in the Caribbean. By chance, they all end up at a poolside bar, and each orders a pint of Guinness. Also by chance, a fly lands in each man's pint.

"Egad!" moans the Brit. "That is disgusting! Barkeep, bring me a fresh pint."

The Irisher picks the fly out of the drink, "Not a bad way to go, little feller." He discards the fly and downs his pint.

The Scotsman also picks his fly carefully out of his pint. Grabbing it by the wing, he says to it, "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"


Ace in CT

[NM FP Ump]

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.


The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly,


"Good morning Alex." "Good morning Pastor, what is this?" he asked the pastor, pointing at the plaque. The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial plaque to all the young men and women who died in the Service."


Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?"

[SanDiegoSteve]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note
on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his a$s.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late, great J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his a$s.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."

12) The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry"

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yea God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St.Taffy's.

[JugglingReferee]

A white guy decides he'd like to vacation in Jamaica.

Walking down a city street in Jamaica, he decides to use a public washroom.

A local uses the urinal next to him and voices how the visitor's penis has "WY" tattooed on it. The local asks why. The visitor tells the local that his girlfriend's name is Wendy.

The visitor notices the local also has WY. He asks if the local's girlfriend's name is also Wendy. The local says, "No, my tattoo says 'Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day'."

[mbyron]

Originally Posted by aceholleran

Three gents from Europe are spending holidays in the Caribbean. By chance, they all end up at a poolside bar, and each orders a pint of Guinness. Also by chance, a fly lands in each man's pint.

"Egad!" moans the Brit. "That is disgusting! Barkeep, bring me a fresh pint."

The Irisher picks the fly out of the drink, "Not a bad way to go, little feller." He discards the fly and downs his pint.

The Scotsman also picks his fly carefully out of his pint. Grabbing it by the wing, he says to it, "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"


Ace in CT

I guess this joke is so funny you post it every year (though the Irish reply is better this year):
http://forum.officiating.com/showpos...&postcount=209

[mbyron]

A young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an older couple are applying for membership at an exclusive church. After forms, tests, paperwork, and interviews, they are all finalists.

The minister informs them all that one last test remains: they must abstain from sex for a month. Off they go.

After a month, the minister interviews the older couple, asking them how it went. The husband replies, "No problem. We missed it once and a while, but we succeeded." The minister welcomed them to the church.

The middle-aged couple is next. The husband says, "Well, the first week was awfully difficult, but we have our priorities, and we made it." The minister welcomed them to the church.

The younger couple comes in last. The husband says, "That was horrible! How can you ask us to do that? We did fine for the first 2 days, but then my wife bent over for a can of peas, and... well, I just couldn't restrain myself! We did it right then and there!"

The minister is shocked and appalled. He asks them to leave immediately, at which the man says, "Yeah, they threw us out of the grocery store too!"

[Mark Padgett]

There was a woman who was very busy and had a hard time getting all her work done, so she decided to clone herself. It worked well for a while, but then she noticed the clone was swearing a lot. Soon, it got to be way too much, so to get rid of her, the woman threw the clone off the roof.

She was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

[Mark Padgett]

Almost forgot this one:

Did you hear about the quarterback who thought he was marrying a tight end but wound up with a wide receiver?