HI what is going on ?
am i alon in this general topic?
i would like to announce that jokes competition is now open ..so come one everyone and tell us you'r best joke.
I WILL OPEN THE COMPETITION WHIT A NICE JOKE:
There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with the difficult task of castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep them from breeding with the females. He hired a French guy who didn't speak much English, but was a very good worker. After the first day, they had successfully castrated 14 sheep and his French worker was just about to throw away the "parts", but the sheep farmer yelled, "No! Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them. They're delicious and we call them 'sheep fries'."
Later that day, the French hired hand came in for supper, and indeed the 'sheep fries' were tasty.

The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and the following evening they all settled down to another supper of 'sheep fries'.

The third day, however, when the sheep farmer came home, he asked his wife where the French hired hand was, and she said, "You know, it's the weirdest thing! I told him since there weren't very many 'sheep fries' this evening, we were also going to have French fries, and he ran like hell....

THE OFFICIAL IN THIS COMPETITION ARE JUULIE DOWENS AND MICK CHAMBERS..(with you'r permission..juulie and mick)

Here is one of my favorites, the only joke in the world with two, count 'em two, punchlines!

So there is the tower with a bell at the top that this priest rings every day at 6 o'clock. But the priest is getting old, so he runs a newspaper ad: "Bell Ringer Wanted". Well, only one guy answers the ad; a quadrapelgic in a wheelchair.

The priest says, "I don't think you are the man for the job."

But the quadraplegic says, "Just get me up there, I can do it."

"Well, no one else applied, so the job is yours."

So at 6 o'clock the man is up there in his wheelchair. He wheels over to the bell and slams into with his face, ringing the bell. He backs up and starts wheeling over there again, veers off to the left, falls out of the tower and he's dead.

A group of townsfolk gather 'round, and one of them asks, "does anyone know who this guy is?"

The priest says, "I don't know his name, but <b>his face sure rings a bell!</b>"

So there is still no one to ring the bell. The priest runs his ad again, and again only one guy applies. Another quadraplegic, brother of the first guy who had the job.

"Things didn't work out so well with your brother," said the priest.

"Anything my brother could do I can do better," said the applicant.

"Well, no one else applied, so the job is yours."

At 6 o'clock, the man is up in the tower in his wheelchair. He wheels over to the bell, slams into it with his face, and rings it. He backs up, wheels over again, veers off to the right, falls out of the tower, and he is dead. Again the townsfolk gather.

"Does anyone know who this guy is?"

The priest says, "well, I don't know his name, but <b>he's a dead ringer for his brother!</b>"

Guys - let's at least stay with sports jokes
 

These three guys are ready to play a round of golf but they want a fourth player. There's a guy in the clubhouse they've never seen before but they ask him if he'll play with them. He says he will. He goes out, plays the entire round left-handed and shoots pretty well. They ask him to come back the next week.

He says he will, but he might be about 10 minutes late. He shows up the following week on time, however, and he plays the entire round right-handed. They ask him to come back the next week again, and he says he will, but he might be about 10 minutes late.

The following week he shows up right on time again and goes back to shooting the entire round left-handed. Once again, they ask him to come back the next week. Once again, he says he will but he might be about 10 minutes late.

One of the guys says, "Wait a minute. The first week you shoot the round left-handed, then you tell us you might be about 10 minutes late and you're right on time and you shoot right-handed. Then we ask you back again and you say you might be about 10 minutes late but again, you're right on time and you go back to playing left-handed. Now you say that next week you might be about 10 minutes late again. What's going on?"

"Oh", says the guy. "Let me explain. When I get up in the morning, I look over at my wife in bed. If she's laying on her left side, I play the round left-handed, and if she's laying on her right side, I play the round right-handed."

"I guess that explains it", says one of the guys, "but what if she's laying on her back?"

The golfer replies, "Then - I might be about 10 minutes late."

something about freinds...best freinds...
A man and his dog were walking along a serene road, enjoying the scenic beauty, when it suddenly occurred to the man that he was not alive. Suddenly, he remembered dying, and that his dog had been dead for several years. He wondered where he was and where the road was leading them.

After a while, the two of them, the man and his dog, came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, the wall was broken by a tall arch that shimmered in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, the man saw a magnificent gate in the arch that glistened like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and his dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk behind the gate. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, can you tell me where we are?"

"This is heaven," the man answered.

"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have a pitcher of water brought right up." He then gestured, and the gate began to open.He approached the man at the desk and asked, "Can my friend there come in, too?"

"I'm sorry, sir, but animals are not allowed here."

The man hesitated for only a moment and then turned and walked back through the gate and continued down the road. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a weathered farm gate that was standing open. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there." The man pointed to a well shaded by a large tree. "Come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to his dog.

"Sure, There should be a bowl by the pump."

The man and his dog went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the bowl and even before he quenched his own thirst, he set the bowl down for his dog. He then took a long drink himself. They then walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is heaven," was the answer.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that place was heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold streets and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."

The man responded, "Well, doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'd leave their best friends behind."

In one episode of 'Cheers', Cliff is seated at the bar describing the 'Buffalo Theory' to his buddy Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this.
"Well, you see, Norm, it's like this...A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive drinking of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Since Padgett started the golf jokes, here's my favorite:

There was gentleman who played a round at the same club, same time, every week. After his wife had retired, she decided to go with him one day for the exercise and to watch.

They were going along and they came to the fourth hole. The fourth hole was a big dogleg to the right. There was an old abandoned barn sitting on the inside of the dogleg.

The golfer sliced his tee shot pretty badly and ended up about 50 yards behind the barn. As he is trying to decide what to do, he notices that there is a door on the barn. He asks his wife to go up to the barn and open the door. She does and sure enough, there is another door on the other side of the barn. She opens that door too and the golfer can see right through the barn onto the green! His wife comes back to where he is standing as he prepares to hit his shot. The golfer hits the ball, it goes into the barn, but misses the second door, richochets back, hits his wife square between the eyes, and she drops over dead!

A few weeks later, after the funeral, the gentleman is playing his weekly round at the same course. He is paired with a player that has never played the course before. They came to the fourth hole and the new player sliced his tee shot pretty badly and ended up about 50 yards behind the barn. As he is trying to decide what to do, he notices that there is a door on the barn. He starts thinking out loud, "Maybe I can go up there and open the door, maybe there is a door on the other side of the barn...." The first golfer immediately says, "No, no don't try that! I was playing here a few weeks ago and tried that and...


I ended up with a bogey on the hole!

this is really strong...:
Once there was a rabbit and a bear living in a forest. One day, they went out for a walk and came across a magical golden frog. The frog told them that he will grant them three wishes each, which got the rabbit and the bear very excited.

The bear proceeded to tell the frog his first request. He said, "I wish that all the bears in this forest were female, except for me." POOF! His wish was granted.

Then it was the rabbit's turn and he said, "I wish for a racing bike helmet." POOF! His wish was granted.

The bear hesitated, thought for a moment and then said, "I wish all the bears in the neighboring forests were female too, except for me." POOF! His wish was granted.

The rabbit already knew what he wanted, and uttered, "I wish for a motorcycle." POOF! His wish was granted.

The frog broke in and said, "Now hurry up, I must be on my way. And, may I add, choose your last wish carefully!!"

The bear said, "Alright, I know my last wish. I wish all the bears in the world were female, except for me." POOF! His wish was granted.

The rabbit thought for a while, put on his helmet, and got on his motorcycle. A smirk appeared on his face as he revved the motor and shouted, "I wish the bear was gay." Poof! And the rabbit rode off.

A guy was walking along the beach when he tripped over an old oil lamp. He started to rub it an shine it up when the genie appeared.

"I am the genie of the lamp" stated the genie. "I will grant you one wish."

The man thought for a moment and said.."I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm afraid of flying and I can't stand boats. I wish for a highway so that I can drive to Hawaii."

The genie looked at the guy and said.."Are you crazy?!? There is no way I can do a highway to Hawaii! Can you imagine the engineering that will have to go into something like that? Can you imangine how long the support pillars will have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean? Forget it...wish for something else."

The guy thought for a few more moments and said.."OK, I've never had much luck with women. My wish is that I would completely and totally understand females."

The genie looked back at him and said..."Would you like that highway to be two lanes or four?"

There is a joke that maybe you will understand...
There were 3 basketball players, one each from IU, Notre Dame, and Purdue, standing on a burning roof in Indianapolis The fire department came with a blanket and yelled to the Norte Dame player to jump.He jumped and they moved it to the right. He hit the sidewalk with a splat. They then called to the IU player to jump. He said that he wouldn't jump. They said they liked IU better than Norte Dame. So he jumped and the fire department moved the blanket to the left. The IU player hit with a splat on the sidewalk. Then they called to the Purdue player to jump. He said that he wouldn't jump. The fire department said they hated IU and Notre Dame. He yelled back and said, ''Lay the blanket down, and then I'll jump...

A man was out one Sunday golfing with his wife, as they had done each weekend for the last 10 years. On the 14th hole, which borders the course's maintanence area, the man pulls his drive way left, onto a grassy patch near the maintanence shop.

Upon arriving at his ball, he discovers that there is a tool shed about six feet away from his ball, directly in his path back to the fairway. He curses his luck, but then his wife says "There's doors on both sides of the shed. Open up the doors and hit it through".

The man decides to try it. He winds up, hits the ball, but it catches the door frame on the shed and riccochets back, hitting his wife right between the eyes, killing her on the spot.

A year later, the man is golfing again, this time with people from the club. Sure enough, on hole 14, he pulls his tee shot again, back into the maintanence area and discovers that the tool shed is again blocking his path. One of his partners says "There's doors on both sides of the shed. Open them up and hit it through the gap."

"Are you kidding?" the man replies angrily, "I tried that last year and wound up making six!"

WOW!!! It's a good thing Andy didn't post his golf joke. It's almost the same. Oh wait - he did.

You know, I never had to time to read all the jokes, I just went and added one...

what are the odds, eh?

Golf at the highest level
 

A priest, feeling overworked, tired, and reluctant to complete his duties for Sunday services, feigns illness and gets the assistant pastor to fill in for him. Sunday turns out to be a beautiful day, so he sneaks out of the rectory in order to play a round of golf.

Saint Peter, observing all this from above becomes annoyed at this unprofessional behavior and decides to go to God. God assures him that he'll take care of it.

As the priest lines up his shot at the first tee, he takes a magnificent swing at the ball. The shot is perfect, sailing effortlessly to the green, taking a few short graceful bounds and dropping gently into the cup. The priest is stunned to have the very first hole in one in his life.

Saint Peter, watching in complete disbelief marches back to God. "I thought you said you'd take care of the situation!" he exclaimed.

God remarked, "I did. Who do you think he's going to tell about this one?"

Alcohol Warnings
Subject: Alcohol Warnings Been there......
ALCOHOL WARNINGS - Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
_____ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties
_____ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
_____ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
_____ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
_____ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
_____ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
_____ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
_____ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
_____ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
_____ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. >
_____ WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
_____ WARNING: the cumsumpten of alcahol may Mack you tink you can tipe real gode.

A married man left from work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he squandered the weekend (and his pay check) partying with the boys. When he finally returned home on Sunday night, he ran into a barrage of epithets from his wife. After a couple of hours of nagging and berating, his wife asked "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?" "That would suit me just fine!!" the man said. Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by with the same result. Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.

A boy comes home from school one day, and he says to his mother, "Mom, today I got laid."

The mother is, of course, shocked and says to the boy, "What did you say? Go upstairs to your room and don't come out until your father gets home."

So, the father comes home and the mother says to the father, "Why don't you go upstairs and ask your son what he's been doing today?"

So the father walks up the stairs and gets up there, slams the door and says, "Son, what did you do today?"

And the son said, "Dad, today I got laid."

The father is really proud of his son and all, and he says to his son, "Son, that's great. You're becoming a man. So, how did you like it?"

And the son said, "Dad, it was great, but next time I'm using vaseline, my butt's killing me." ....

very fuuny joke. i like man-wife jokes...try this one
A guy goes over to his friends house, rings the bell. The wife answers.

"Hi, is Tony home?"

"No, he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

"No come in." They sit down and the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Sara thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Sara thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?..

Okay, well, I've been kinda busy dealing with reality, and haven't checked in here until now. But I'm flattered and honored to be a judge! I would like to point out that I was raised on jokes of every variety and have a wide ranging and very versatile sense of humor, and I suppose if I were eligible to win (not being a judge!) I'd get every ribbon in every category. So it's just as well that I'm not eligible. (insert pathetic attempt at smilie here...)

I have to admit, these jokes are really quite good, although I'd like to see more of the shaggy-dog-story-multi-pun-punchline type. These are my dad's favorites, and I'd love to find a new one for him. I also love lightbulb jokes, such as,

Why does it take three women with PMS to change a lightbulb?...




IT JUST DOES, OKAY?!?!?

I guess it doesn't translate very well into print.


How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but the lightbulb has to really want to change.


How many mice can screw in a lightbulb? Only two, and they have to use the missionary position.

Here's one I just heard this week: Did you hear about the agnostic Klu Klux Klan? If they don't like you, they burn a question mark on your lawn.

And Steven Wright humor:

My wife and I put a skylight into the livingroom ceiling this weekend. The guy in the apartment upstairs is really, really mad.

I was walking down the street the other day, when the prescription on my glasses ran out.

When I die, I want to go in my sleep like my grandfather, and not screaming and crying like the passengers in his car.

My all-time personal favorite joke:

What happens to a person who is dyslexic, insomniac and agnostic? He lays awake nights worrying about whether or not there is a Dog.

If it's okay with mick, I'll judge on my own, and he can judge on his own, and we'll give more ribbons that way. And I think I'll divide the whole thing up into categories. I'm also gonna include some of the jokes from the basketball board, since I really want to give a ribbon to the one about Moses and the Bush. Also, I want to wait for others to post, so I get a very good choice.

[Edited by rainmaker on Apr 25th, 2003 at 01:28 PM]

If it's okay with mick, I'll judge on my own, and he can judge on his own, and we'll give more ribbons that way. And I think I'll divide the whole thing up into categories. I'm also gonna include some of the jokes from the basketball board, since I really want to give a ribbon to the one about Moses and the Bush. Also, I want to wait for others to post, so I get a very good choice.

[Edited by ROMANO on Apr 25th, 2003 at 02:45 PM]

Another one for the old fox..
I am a 61 year old male. I had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was the size of a small auditorium, and it was filled with patients. I approached the desk and gave the receptionist my name--a large, imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. In a very loud voice she repeated my name, then said, "Yes, I see your name here mick ..you want to see the doctor about IMPOTENCE, right? I was stunned, but recovered my composure sufficiently to reply in an equally loud voice, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation---and I'd like the same doctor who did yours!"...

My favorite Steven Wright line:

I got a job at a factory that made fire hydrants, but I had to quit because I could never find a parking place close enough.

i like you man...you understand the politics very good ...so who is next?...oh sorry no talking about france..so listen to this:
A bus load of france politicians were driving down a country road when all of a sudden the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer after seeing what happened went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

A few days later, the local policman came out, saw the crashed bus, and then asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
PARDON..

This is a funny joke no matter who it's told about. Besides it's a compliment to the French farmer who is smart enough not to believe the politicians!

Juulie - David never said in the joke that the farmer was French, only the politicians. Knowing the French, the bus was probably in Germany on it's way to a surrender festival.

MARRIAGE
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

A 75-year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity, and recommended that she engage in sexual activity three times a week. A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor, "Please tell my husband." The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the husband that his wife needed sex three times a week. The 80-year-old husband replied, "Which days?" The doctor answered, "Monday, Wednesday, and Friday would be ideal. The husband said, "I can bring her on Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays, she'll have to take the bus."

HI..HOW DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT JOKE?...YOU WAS RIGHT...THE FARMER WASN'T FRENCH HE WAS FROM PAKISITAN ..HE JUST VISITED HIS FAMILY..
another strong one:
Bill and Hillary were married for 40 years. When they first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the bottles in the box?" Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in"..

[Edited by ROMANO on Apr 26th, 2003 at 07:13 AM]

This married man goes to the confessional and says to his priest,"I had an affair with a woman. Almost......"
The priest says,"What do you mean, almost?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. Now say 5 Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves the confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box.
He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave..... The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in!"

A guy and his girlfriend were making out on the couch. She started to take his clothes off him when he stopped her.

He said, "I can't, honey. It's Lent."

"Oh," she replied, "to whom - and for how long?"

My all-time favourite Steven Wright line:

"The other day I bought a packet of instant water...but I didn't know what to add..."

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a VCR to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,
"Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the light back and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard,
"Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.....
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot "Moses'?"
The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name 160-pound Rottweiler 'Jesus'."

There once was this bar with a sign in its window. It read, anyone who can make my horse laugh will have all the drinks they want on the house. So this guy walks in and asks if he can give it a try. The bartender says sure.
The cowboy walks out there and whispers something in the horse's ear. The horse starts laughing hysterically. The guys walks in and the bartender gives him the drinks. The next night the same guy and the same thing happens.

The third night the sign is changed to making the horse cry. The guy goes out side and a few minutes later he comes back in and the horse is crying.

The bartender says 'OK, you can have your drinks but first tell me what you did to make my horse laugh.'

The cowboy said, 'I told him my privates are bigger than his.'

'OK, but how did you make him cry?'

The cowboy replied, 'I proved it to him...

To date....
 

There were no funny jokes.

PA Coach is Psykist.

Someone has to beat:
PGCougar's - Priest
Padgett's - 10 minutes
Nicks' - parrot
Juulie' - grandfather

Re: To date....
 

61 YEARS OLD MAN GOING TO SEX DOCTOR-MICK??.....(just kiddinig mick)..
A guy brings a raccoon home , tells his wife it's a pet.

She asks , "Where are you going to keep it?"

He repies , "In the bedroom."

"But what about that horrible nasty smell?' , she asks.

"I got used to you , I'm sure he will too!"

"MOODS"
THE MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

THE MOODS OF A MAN
Hungry.
Horny.
Sleepy.

The Train Ride
The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog. A weary American traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat."
The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed said, "You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?"
"Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant.... Imagine!"
The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the open window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, demanding that someone defend her honor and chastise the American.
An elderly Englishman sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly, "Blimy, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing daft things.
You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong ***** out the window."

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude"..

A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar.
They like each other and she goes back with him to
his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his
tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which
reads, "Reebok." She thinks that is a bit odd and
asks him about it.

Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras
pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for
advertisement." A bit later, his pants are off and she
sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gives the same
explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the
underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS"
tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock.

"I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!"

He says, "It's cool baby. In a minute it's going to say
'ADIDAS'...

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.

"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.

The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try."

"Poof!" said the genie.

"You're a housewife

[Edited by ROMANO on Apr 28th, 2003 at 01:42 PM]

A recent survey was conducted asking women to comment on the size of their a**



85% of the women said that their a** was too big.



10% of the women said that their a** was too small.






The other 5% said that it did not matter, they married him and were going to love him anyway!

A long piece of rope walks into a bar, and sits on a stool. The bartender immediately tells him to leave. "We don't serve your kind in here!" he says derisively.

The rope sighs, gets up and leaves the bar. Once outside, he twists himself up and rumples his hair. He then walks back in, and sits at the bar.

The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks, "Aren't you that rope who was just in here a minute ago?"

The rope replied, "Nope, I'm afraid not. . ."
______________________________

A mushroom walks into bar and takes a seat. The bartender immediately tells him to leave. "We don't serve your kind in here!" he says derisively.

"Why not?" asked the mushroom. "I'm a fun guy!"

:D I like that one Juules, and I haven't heard it before. Very cute.

Q: How many surrealist painters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Trout

Well, you can't have everything. Where would you keep it?

My off-color contribution:

By mere coincidence, three married couples die on the same day and happen to be standing in line at the pearly gates one behind the other.

The first couple approaches the gate and St. Peter pages through his records. He says to the man, "I'm sorry, but I don't see how I can let you in. Your whole life has been devoted to accumulating wealth. You neglected your friends, worked incessantly, never gave anything to charity. You're so obsessed with money that you even married a woman name Penny! I'm sorry, but you'll have to leave."

The second couple reaches the desk and again St. Peter flips through the pages of his book. He says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I can let you in. You wasted your whole life because you were only interested in getting your next drink. You lost years of your life b/c of alcohol. You partied constantly, you never even attempted to rehabilitate yourself. You were so obsessed with alcohol that you even married a woman named Sherry! I'm sorry, but you'll have to leave."

The third man looks at his wife and says, "Well, Fanny, I don't think we have much of a chance. . ."

The Sandals


A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!" So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex
freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Man."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes... something his wife hadn't seen in many years!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!

[QUOTE]Originally posted by ChuckElias

Quote:

Originally posted by rainmaker I'd like to see more of the shaggy-dog-story-multi-pun-punchline type. These are my dad's favorites, and I'd love to find a new one for him.

A long piece of rope walks into a bar, and sits on a stool. The bartender immediately tells him to leave. "We don't serve your kind in here!" he says derisively.

The rope sighs, gets up and leaves the bar. Once outside, he twists himself up and rumples his hair. He then walks back in, and sits at the bar.

The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks, "Aren't you that rope who was just in here a minute ago?"

The rope replied, "Nope, I'm afraid not. . ."


Groooooan.....
______________________________

A mushroom walks into bar and takes a seat. The bartender immediately tells him to leave. "We don't serve your kind in here!" he says derisively.

"Why not?" asked the mushroom. "I'm a fun guy!"


Bigger grooooan......

You're welcome! :D

Re: To date....
 

Ok, here's my parrot contribution. It's also a bit off-color.

A woman goes to a pet shop. As she looks around, a beautiful parrot catches her eye. The sign on the cage says "FREE". She asks the store owner why it's free.

"Well, it's a beautiful bird, but its language is as colorful as its feathers. You see, his previous owner was the madam of the brothel outside of town. No one wants to buy him, so I'm giving him away."

The woman tries to prompt the bird to speak, but he's silent until another woman enters the store.

"Different whorehouse; new whores," the bird observes.

Well, the woman was surprised, but she figured that if the bird could learn that much, she could teach him better words and she decided that he was so beautiful that she would take him. Besides, he's free, so what can she lose?

She takes the bird and the cage and gets on the city bus to go home. At the next stop, a woman boards the bus and sits down.

"Different whorehouse; new whores," the bird notes.

The woman apologizes and explains the bird's odd vocabulary. She finally reaches her stop, gets off and gets the bird to her home.

After setting up the cage and making the parrot at home, the woman's daughter comes home from school.

"Different whorehouse; new whores," the parrot announces.

The woman gently tries to correct the bird, offering new words for him to repeat.

The woman's husband comes home from work at suppertime.

The bird says, "Hi Dave!" :eek:

OK - here's my parrot joke.

A guy goes into a pet store and buys a parrot. A few weeks later, he goes into the pet store again. The owner says, "How's the parrot?"

The guy replies, "Great - he was delicious!"

The owner says, "WHAT!!! You mean you ate that parrot? He spoke four languages!"

The guy says, "Then why didn't he say something?"

Subject: TYPICAL WOMAN]
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. It's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.... My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. T! he man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police...

Why did all the prostitutes in Mexico go out of business?

Too many frijoles.

Subject: Just Married
Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you." So up she went.
When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, up she went again.
When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!""Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again.
When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."

What Are Politics?

A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are politics?"
His dad replies, " Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am capatilism. Your mom is the owner of the money so she is government. The government is the provider for the people so you are the people. Your baby brother will be the future, and the nanny is the working class. Now think about that."

So he went to bed. He was woken by his brother. The baby had pooped in his daiper. He went to tell his parents, but he only found his mom asleep in the bed. He didn't want to wake her, so he went to the nanny. The door was locked. He checked through a hole and saw the dad in bed with the nanny. He went back to bed. The next morning, he went to his dad and said, "Dad i know what you mean now."

"You do? Tell me."

"OK, while capatilism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, while the people are watching the future being pooped on!!!"

AND one for mark:
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?" The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.

The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.

The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

FRANCE..
Quotes About the French :

"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." - Jacques Chirac, President of France
"As far as France is concerned, you're right." - Rush Limbaugh
"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?" - Dennis Miller

"You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates Americans, he loves mistresses and wears a beret. He is French, people." - Conan O'Brien
************************************************** *********
What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
Their army!
************************************************** **********
What do you call 20 dead frenchmen in the back of a lorry.
A good days hunting.
************************************************** *********
Why do the French Smell?
So blind people can hate them too!
************************************************** *****
What''s the shortest book ever written?
French War Heroes
*************************************************




Reasons for Being French :

* When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
* Experience the joy of winning the world cup for the first time.

* You get to eat insect food like snails and frog''s legs.

* If there''s a war you can surrender really early.

* You don''t have to read the subtitles on those late night films on TV.

* You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people''s countries.

* You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.

* Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride.

* You don''t have to bother with toilets, just **** in the street.

* People think you''re a great lover even when you''re not.
************************************************** ********** AND THE LAST ONE FOR TODAY:
The Great Saddam and Bush Debate

Ignoring the fact that George Bush declined Saddam Hussein's challenge to a televised debate, Tim Dowling exclusively reveals what could have happened had they met
Tuesday February 25, 2003

Tony Blair, moderator: Welcome to the first televised debate between George W. Bush and Saddam Hussein, live from United Nations headquarters in New York. We will begin with a brief opening statement from each of you.

, Bush: First of all I would just like to welcome my evil friend to the UN, one of the great American institutions for the propulsion of freedom throughout the world.

Saddam: Thank you, Great Satan. I hope that in today's debate we may find some common ground between the Iraqi people's commitment to peace and human progress and America's desire to destroy the Middle East.

Bush: Do I answer that?

Blair: No. The first question is quite simply this: do you have any links with al-Qaida?

Bush: I do not.

Blair: The question is for Saddam.

Saddam: As I told Mr. Tony Benn clearly and simply, if I had links with al-Qaida and I enjoyed those links then I would not be ashamed to tell the world, but since I am ashamed to tell the world of this, it follows that I have no such links.

Bush: Neither do I.

Blair: The second question is for President Bush. President Bush, if America and Iraq were to go to war tomorrow, who would win?

Bush: That's easy. America, right?

Saddam: Even I knew that one.

Bush: That's because the great United American States of America are on the side of rightliness and Americanity, against an evil Axis of Evil made up of Iraq, North Korea and... how many are in an axis? Three?

Blair: I think you're allowed as many as you like.

Bush: OK, Iraq, North Korea and France.!

Saddam: I will tell you frankly and directly that Iraq is not part of any Axis of Evil.

Bush: Who am I thinking of then? Irania?

Blair: Let's move on. Saddam, are you willing to destroy your stockpile of Samoud 2 missiles in accordance with UN weapons inspectors' orders?

Saddam: I explain to you now that if Iraq possessed these so-called weapons, we would never destroy them, but since we do not have any such weapons, we are happy to comply, even though these non-existent weapons certainly do not exceed the proscribed range of 150 kms. I've tested them myself, and we don't have any.

Blair: The final question is for George Bush. Mr President, is there any way that Saddam Hussein can avoid war, and what steps must he now take in order to reach a negotiated solution?

Bush: Listen to me. It's very simple. First Saddam must compile 200% with the UN inspectorers, and I mean activated compilation, not passivist compilation. Second, he must disarm fully, in keeping with UN revelation 1441 and the next one coming, 1441B, which will require him to disarm even more fully than that. Then he must destroy all Samoud missiles and any other weapons of mass destruction he is found, or not found, to be possessive of, without being asked. Finally, there is one more task he must perform, which I am not at liberty to revulge. And even that will not be enough.

Blair: The translator would like to take your answer home with him and work on it over the weekend.

Bush: Fine, but we require nothing less than total disarmature.

Saddam: OK.

Blair: Sorry, but I'm not sure that "disarmature" is a word. I defer to the UN Keeper of the Dictionary, Mr Richard Stilgoe.

Stilgoe: Yes, you can have disarmature. It means, "the action of disarming" according to the OED.

Bush: Exactly. He must cut his own arms off.

Saddam: If it means peace, I will do it.

Bush: Too late.

Stilgoe: Did you know that Saddam Hussein is an anagram of 'Demands a Sushi'?

Saddam: Yes, I've heard them all.

Bush: I don't eat sushi. Is there a fish option?

Blair: I'd like to remind everyone at home that the Monica Lewinsky-Tonya Harding fight follows after the break....
******PARDONNNNNNNNNNN..

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died. "Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy? Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car? "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin'to tell ya." " Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me.." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear? She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father.. " The priest says, "What did he ask Mary? " She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

Another golf joke...

Two guys were out playing a round one day. They were playing a hole that was next to the road outside of the course. As they were walking down the fairway, a funeral procession came down the road. One of the golfers stopped, removed his cap, and waited for the entire procession to pass.

After the funeral procession had gone by, the other golfer remarked "That was a very nice thing to do!"

The first golfer said "I thought it was the least I could do. After all, I was married to the woman for 37 years!"

ROMANO, your French jokes are a bit too close to the line, if you know what I mean.

I'm from Canada, a place with a rich English AND French heritage, and although they clash, I value and respect the French people and their native country, despite some of the disagreements I may have with them.

It's okay to poke fun at the odd harmless stereotype, but 25 lines of France-bashing is borderline racist.

Being in Israel, I thought you'd be a little more conscious of stuff like that.

Maybe someone should post a bunch of jokes implying the Jews are weak, arrogant, and smelly. But then we'd be Anti-Semetic, right?

Having said all that, a lot of your jokes are hilarious! :D

Since the genome project proved there is no such thing as race, no one can be racist. I guess we'll now have to come up with a term for someone who hates an entire "ethnic group".

Maybe we can call it "Hitlerism" or something...

Anyway, this joke thread was a great idea, keep 'em coming!

An eagle was flying up in Eagle Country, where no birds, no planes, no clouds, no nuthin' was.
He was the king. He took a few loops and a few dives and he was feelin' just a might fine.
After a few more loops and dives, he was gettin' a little hungry up there in Eagle Country, where no birds, no planes, no clouds, no nuthin' was, and he looked far below and saw a frog sittin' on a lily pad.
So, the eagle swoops down, niftily snatches the frog in his talons, heads straight up, flips the frog into the air and swallows it.
Well, now with a full stomach, there he is back in Eagle Country where no birds, no planes, no clouds, no nuthin' was, taking a few loops and a few dives and feelin' good.
Suddenly, there's a, "Hey Eagle."
The eagle looks all around, but he sees nuthin'. (He's in Eagle Country where no birds, no planes, no clouds, no nuthin' was.) Mighty strange!
He take a few more loops, but no more dives, and again he hears, "Hey, Eagle."
The eagle looks all around and finally sees the frog sticking out of an orifice.
"Hey, Eagle?"
"Yeah, whadya want Frog?"
"Hey, Eagle, how high would you say we are?"
Well, now the eagle proudly looks around, cuz he's in Eagle Country where no birds, no planes, no clouds, no nuthin' was, and he says, "Oh, about 10,000 feet."
"Hmmmm." said the frog.
"Hey, Eagle? You wouldn't be ****tin' me now would ya?"

That one's definitely suitable for GROANING....

Three samurai once met in a contest to decide which among them was the greatest swordsman in the land.

The judge of the contest bowed to the first samurai and opened a small box before him, and a fly buzzed out of the box. The samurai's sword flashed through the air and the fly fell to the ground, neatly sliced in half. "Very impressive," said the judge.

The judge turned to the second samurai and opened a small box. Again, a fly flew into the air. The samurai's sword flashed twice and the fly fell to the floor, neatly cut into four parts. "Most excellent!" exclaimed the judge.

Finally it was the third samurai's turn. The judge opened a third small box before him, and once more, a fly buzzed out. The samurai's sword flashed through the air and the fly continued to buzz away. The third samurai put up his sword with a satisfied smile and bowed. "But the fly still lives," said the judge. "This is true," replied the samurai, "But he will never reproduce again!"

and here's one for David........
 

A man wanted to get a new dog, so he went down to the pet store. He found a dog he liked the looks of, and the pet store owner told him that this was a nice Jewish dog, and his name was Irving, and he'd make a very good pet.

The guy thought that sounded great so he bought Irving and took him home. After a few days of teaching Irving tricks, he wanted to show him off to his friends, so he invited his neighbor over to see.

He called Irving into the house, bragging about what a smart dog he is. The dog quickly came running and stood looking up at his master, tail wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation.

Pointing at the newspaper lying by the door, he commanded, "Okay, Irving, Fetch!"

Immediately, the dog climbed up on to the couch and sat there, his tail wagging furiously. Then all of a sudden, he stopped, his doggy smile changing to an expression of annoyance.

Looking up at his master, Irving opened his mouth and whined, "You think this is easy, wagging my tail all the time? Oy, this constant wagging of the tail puts me in such pain, you should only know! And you think it's easy eating that dreck you call dog food. It gives me gas! And the runs, but what do you care? Why don't you try it if you think it's so good? You try it. Dreck I say! Then you push me out the door to take care of my business in the filthy yard. It's disgusting I tell you! When was the last time you took me for a nice long walk? I can't remember when!"

The neighbor's jaw dropped, as he sat there staring stunned at the dog. "I can't believe it!" he said. "Your dog is sitting on the couch talking to us!"

"I know, I know." sighed the owner. "He's not trained very well yet. He thought I said, 'Kvetch'!"

The pope dies of old age and finds himself at the gates of Heaven at 0300. He knocks on the gate and a very sleepy-eyed Navy master chief opens the gate and asks, "Wadda ya
want?" "I'm the recently deceased pope and have done 63 years of godly works and thought I should check in here." The watchman checks his clipboard and says, "I ain't got
no orders for you here,just bring your stuff and we'll sort this out in the morning. " They go to an old World War II receiving barracks, third deck, open squad bay. All the bottom racks are taken and all emptylockers have no doors. The pope stows his gear under a rackand climbs into an upper bunk. The next morning he awakens to sounds of cheering and clapping. He goes to the window and sees a flashy Jaguar convertible parading down the clouds from the golden headquarters building. The cloud walks are lined with saints and angels cheering and tossing confetti. In the back seat of the Jaguar sits a Marine sergeant
major in dress blues, his gold parachute wings glistening on his chest, a cigar in his mouth, a bottle of San Miguel in one hand, and his other arm around a voluptuous blonde
angel with a pair of magnificent halos. This disturbs the pope and he runs downstairs to the master-at-arms shack and says, "Hey, what gives? You put me, the pope with 63 years
of godly deeds, in an open squad bay barracks, while this Marine -- who must've committed every sin known and unknown to man -- is staying in a mansion on the hill and getting a hero's welcome. How can this be? The master at arms calmly looks up and says, "We get a pope up here every 10 or 20 years, but we ain't never had a Marine sergeant major before.

Bob

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage'book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. 'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?". Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm.

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the
size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

OK - here's my Pope joke and no, it's not offensive
 

Colonel Sanders gets an audience with the Pope. He asks the Pope if he can change the words "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily chicken". Of course, the Pope says no. Colonel Sanders says that if the Pope makes the change, he will donate $100,000,000 to the church.

"Think of all the good you can do with all that money", he tells the Pope. "You can feed poor people, provide medical care to the sick, enrich people's lives all over the world."

The Pope thinks about it for a minute and tells Colonel Sanders that he has a deal. He will change "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily chicken".

The Pope then convenes the college of Cardinals to tell them what he's done.

The Pope says, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that the church is receiving a donation of $100,000,000!"

The cardinals all express their excitement and joy.

The Pope continues, "The bad news is - we're losing the Wonder Bread account".

Mark,

A huge two-thumbs up on that one!

canuckrefguy i love france!!
and we can joke about jews!!!!
i 'm just kiddinig around!!
so let's go on the jews now..
A moment or two after a highway accident, an old Jewish man came up to
a woman lying by the roadside.

"Have the police come yet?" the man asked.

"No," the woman moaned.

"Has the ambulance been here yet?"

"No," the injured woman repeated.

"How about the insurance company?"

"No."

"Listen," the Jewish man said, bending down. "Do you mind if I lay down

next to you?" ...
************************************
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been
given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful. What part is it?"
The boy says,"I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the
teacher you want a speaking part."
************************************************** **
An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love.
However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm.
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion:
"Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love,
have the young man wave a towel over you.
That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm."
They go home and follow the rabbi's advice.
They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love.
But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.
"Okay," says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed-Have the young man make love
to your wife and you wave the towel over them."
Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with
the wife and the husband waves the towel.
The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous,
room-shaking, screaming orgasm.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly,
"You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!"
Ã*ðé Ã*åäá Ã*ú éùøÃ*ì!!

Hey....no fair!!!
He's a judge!

Re: and here's one for David........
 

THANK YOU MY FREIND!!
and this one for you...
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and
going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring
over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them
down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma.
Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
"I don't like her."
************************************************** ******

Six Jewish men were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when
Meyerowitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops
dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other
five complete their playing time standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Goldberg, who is always a loser picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any
worse than it is.

"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet.
Discretion is mine middle name, leave it to me."

Goldberg schleps over to the Meyerowitz apartment, knocks on the door,
the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Goldberg declares "Your husband just lost $500."

She hollers, "TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!"

Goldberg says, "I'll tell him."
$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$...
Three citizens of the former Soviet Eastern Bloc - a
Pole, a Czech, and a Jew - were accused of spying
and were sentenced to death. Each man was granted
one last wish.

"I want my ashes scattered over the grave of
Pilsudski," said the Pole.

"I want my ashes scattered over the grave of Masaryk,"
said the Czech.

"And I," said the Jew, "want my ashes scattered over
the grave of Comrade Kosygin."

"But that's impossible," he was told. "Kosygin isn't
dead yet."

"Fine," said the Jew. "I can wait."
################################################## ####
hi fox want some more???..

Andy,
The eagle joke will not be judged.
It is what it is. ;)
mick

Chuck's rope is Stoopidist.
PA Coach bell is still psychist.

<u>Gotta beat:</u>
PCCougar's priest
Nick's parrot
Romano's towel waver
Padgett's parrot
Husker blue's sandals

You remember the story about Lincoln and Kennedy and all the
coincidences of their lives? Well, let's compare Clinton with the Titanic:

TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.
CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.

TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.

TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their Forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.

TITANIC VIDEO: Villain: White Star Line.
CLINTON VIDEO: Villain: Ken Starr.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist.
CLlNTON VIDEO: Bill is a B.S. artist.

TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill.

TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there.

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts.

TITANIC VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular.
CLINTON VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton's approval rating is at
70%.

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica... uh, never mind.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary.
$$$$$$$$**************$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$
and something to MY candian freinds..and for you -canuckrefguy ...
An American is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam when a Canadian man, chewing gum, sits down next to him.

The American ignores the Canadian who, nevertheless, starts a conversation:

Canadian: "You American folk eat the whole bread??" American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In Canada, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Canadian has a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Canadian persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Canadian: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In Canada we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states."

The American then asks: "Do you have sex in Canada?"

Canadian: "Why of course we do", the Canadian says with a big smirk.

American: And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Canadian: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Canada....
PS
IT'S A JOKE!!
so please canuckrefguy ..don;t cry..i love canada also!!
DAVID.






[Edited by ROMANO on Apr 30th, 2003 at 01:14 PM]

A man and an ostrich walk into a bar and grill. They both sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks what they would like. The man says "We'll each have a burger and a beer."

The waitress brings the meal, the man and the ostrich eat, and the waitress brings the bill for $10.82. The man reaches into his pocket and brings out exactly $10.82.

This scene repeats itself for several days, every day the man and the ostrich eating the same meal and every day the man producing the exact change to pay for the meal.

The next day, the man and the ostrich arrive and the waitress asks if they will have "the ususal" The man replies, "No, I'm ready for something different today, we'll both have a steak and some red wine." The waitress brings the meal, the man and the ostrich eat, and the waitress brings the bill for $23.12. The man reaches into his pocket and brings out exactly $23.12.

By now the waitress can't stand it anymore. She asks the man "OK, you have come in here every night for several days, always ordering the same thing, except for tonight and always paying for it with exact change. I want to know what's up."

The man tells her, "Several years ago, I was walking along the beach an stumbled over an old oil lamp. After I rubbed it, a genie appeared and told me I had two wishes. My first wish was to be able to reach into my pocket and have exactly enough money to buy whatever I wanted at that time."

The waitress said, "Wow, that is really wise. You can be as rich as you want to be. That is much smarter than wishing for a certain amount of money that might someday run out. By the way, what's the deal with the ostrich?"

"Oh", said the man, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs!"

A guy comes home from playing golf. His wife asks how the day went.

"It was terrible", he says. "On the fifth tee, my good friend George dropped dead of a heart attack!!!

"Oh my goodness", said the wife. "That must have been horrible!"

"I'll say", said the guy. "The rest of the day it was - hit the ball, drag George - hit the ball, drag George...."

Romano-

Here's the Jewish joke I like

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb?

(Heavy accent) No, no, just leave me here in the dark. YOu go out and have a good time with your friends.

(This one doesn't go into print very well either...)

You don't even need the word "Jewish" in there...

OK - here's my final French joke
 

A French army company was out on maneuvers for about three months. Finally, the company commander called all the men together.

"Men", he said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that after three months out in the wilderness, we're finally going to get a change of underwear."

The men cheered.

"Now", he continued, "the bad news - Jacque, you change with Pierre. Pierre, you change with Emile. Emile, you change with Francois........"

Q: What's the difference between a Jewish American Princess and an Italian American Princess?

A: One has fake jewelry and real orgasms...

I know -- my mother-in-law isn't even remotely Jewish, and this sounds way too healthy for her! But don't get me started. Actually, this brings to mind another category --

The Mother-In-Law Joke!!

Here's my husband's favorite in this category (and it's true -- my mother really said this...)

"When counselling was recommended to my mother-in-law, she replied, "Well, I did used to worry about denial, but it's not a problem any more!"

Now you all know why I am the way I am... and that's NOT part of the joke!

An old man was sitting on a park bench at the Mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colours: Green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring. The young man finally said very sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk one time in Hong Kong & had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.............

Airline Courtesy
The United Airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well dressed, rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pity-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, *****."

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink.
Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons! looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says... (wait for it)
(it's coming)
(Ya ready?)
(don't hate me)
(take a deep breath) "He should have quit while he was a head!"

canuckrefguy you are a big anti-Semitic!!...
hi it was a joke..just kiddinig..we can joke about anything..
In a small country pub, all the patrons became quite used to the pub owner's little dog being around the bar, so were quite upset when one day the little dog died. Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little dog. The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up behind the bar to remind everyone of the little dog's wagging tail.

The little dog went up to heaven and was about to run through the pearly gates when he was stopped by Saint Peter, who questioned the little dog as to where he was going. The little dog said "I have been a good dog - so I am going into heaven where I belong!". Saint Peter replied "Heaven is a place of perfection, you can not come into heaven without a tail, where is your tail?"

The little dog explained the what had happened back on earth. Saint Peter told the little dog to go back down to earth and retrieve his tail. The little dog protested that it was now the middle of the night on earth, but Saint Peter would not change his mind.

So the little dog went back down to earth and scratched on the door of the pub until the bartender who lived upstairs came down and opened the door.

"My goodness, it is the spirit of the little dog. What can I do for you?" said the bartender. The little dog explained that he wasn't allowed into heaven without his tail, and he needed it back. The bartender replied "I would really like to help you, but my liquor license doesn't allow me to retail spirits after hours!"

########################################
A man follows a woman out of a movie theater. She has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find it unusual?"

"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual! He hated the book!"

********************************************
and the last one about cat..
A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing.

As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.

At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that damn cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"

Here's a similar one:

Two goats were standing in a junkyard eating all the junk. One of the goats ate a round, metal can containing movie film. The other goat asked him how he liked it. The first goat replied, "I liked the book better".

OK, here's a few more
 

Little Jenny walked into the kitchen one day and looked up at her mother, who was busy cooking dinner. "Mommy, how old are you?" she asked.

"Now dear," said her mother, "You should never ask a woman what her age is." "Why not?" demanded Jenny. "Because it isn't polite. You'll understand better when you grow up."

Jenny thought about it for a moment, then piped up, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

"Jenny," said her mother, "That's not a question you ask people." "Why not?" "Because it's not polite to ask grown-ups about how much they weigh. You'll understand some day."

"Mommy," Jenny asked, "Why did you and Daddy get divorced?" "Darling," her mother replied with a sigh, "That's something that's still very painful for Mommy, and I really can't talk about it now. I'll explain when you are a little older."

The next day, Jenny told a friend at school about the conversation with her mother. The other little girl explained to her, "All you have to do is get a look at your mom's driver's license. It has all the information about any grown-up you want on it."

So little Jenny sneaked a peek in her mother's purse when she got home, and looked over her license, examining it carefully. That evening, she went back into the kitchen and announced, "I know how old you are, Mommy, You are 36!"
Her mother looked down at her, surprised.

"And I know how much you weigh!" said Jenny. "You weigh 135 pounds." "Jenny, where did you learn this?", her mother asked.

Jenny just smiled and continued, "And, I know why you and Daddy got a divorce." Her mother just gasped and asked, "Why?" Jenny replied, "Because you got an F in sex!"




While trying to escape from Baghdad, Saddam found a bottle in the desert and picked it up.

Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle, smiled and said, "Master, I am here to grant you one wish!"

"You ignorant unworthy daughter of a dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything!" barked Saddam.

The genie frowned and said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever." Saddam thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the inferior woman.

"Very well," he said. "I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you!" The genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning Saddam woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he didn't have any health insurance!




One dark night, there was a bad thunderstorm. Little Johnny got scared and decided to go into his parent's bedroom. He looked in and saw the sheets going up and down, up and down.

"Daddy, Mommy - what are you doing?" he asked.

His embarrassed Dad replied, "Uh, we're playing canasta. Now go back to bed."

"Oh, OK" Johnny replied, and he returned to bed. After a few minutes, his dad started to get worried that maybe Johnny got the wrong impression, so he goes into Johnny's room to talk with him.

As he enters the room, he sees little Johnny's sheets going up and down, up and down.

"Johnny - what are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm playing canasta" little Johnny answers.

His dad says, "But you need two people to play canasta."

Little Johnny replies, "Not if you have a good hand."

Heaven & Hell
 

Heaven: An English home, a Chinese cook, an American salary, and a Japanese wife.

Hell: A Japanese home, an English cook, a Chinese salary, and an American Wife.

[Edited by PGCougar on May 1st, 2003 at 11:43 AM]

What does psychist or Psykist mean?

I could tell you - but then I'd have to toss you.

A man goes into the local whorehouse and tells the madam that he wants to try something different. The madam says that she has just the thing for him.

She takes him through a series of turning hallways and opens a door to a room. The only thing in the room is a live chicken on the bed.

The man says "Whoa, I didn't mean anything that different!"

The madam convinvces him to try it by offering the chicken to him at no charge.

About an hour later, he emerges from the room covered with feathers and tells the madam that it was the best time he has ever had. He says that he will be back soon!

About a week later, he returns and asks for the chicken again. The madam says that the chicken is not available, but she has something even better. He eagerly accepts. She escorts him to a room with about ten seats in front of a window. There are a few other men in the room. After a few minutes, the lights go on behind the window and a gorgeous couple are having wild sex.

After a few minutes, the man leans over to the guy next to him and says "This is pretty good, huh?"

The guy replies "This is nothing, you should have been here last week. They had some guy screwing a chicken!"

Psychist is sickest with apparent psychological abnormalities.

I think Andy's latest gets the gold star in this category, don't you?

Ok, I've shared a rope-in-a-bar joke and a mushroom-in-a-bar joke, so here's my dog-in-a-bar joke.

Guy walks into a bar with his dog. The guy says to the barkeep, "Will you give me a free drink if I can prove that my dog can talk?"

Intrigued, but unimpressed, the bartender says, "Sure, let's hear it."

The guy turns to the dog and says, "If I don't shave in the morning, how does my face feel?"

The dog says, "Rrrrrrrruff!"

The guy looks up triumphantly, but the bartender clearly isn't buying it.

So he asks the dog, "What covers the top of a building?"

The dog says, "Rrrrroof!"

The bartender is simply shaking his head, so the guy asks the dog, "Who was the greatest baseball player ever?"

The dog says, "Rrruth!"

The bartender has finally had enough and tells the guy to get lost. The guy gets up and he and the dog leave the bar. Walking down the sidewalk, the guy says to no one in particular, "I coulda used that drink, too."

"Sorry," says the dog. "I should've said Dimaggio."

Okay, I'll give this another try.

<b>So there is this bricklayer. And he is the best bricklayer in the world. Not only is he good, but he can just look at a job and predict exactly how many bricks he will need to complete it. For example, if he says 80,503 bricks, he is exactly right.

So one day he gets a job, and looks at it, and says, "Bring me 120,000 bricks."

He starts working and a couple of days later, he is wrapping things up. He finishes the job, and lo and behold, there is one brick left over.

Horrified, the bricklayer picks up the brick and flings it up into the air as hard as he can.</b>

How'd I do? A little less psykist? Funny?

;)

Man and his new bride are on their honeymoon-flying to Hawaii.He's pissed off at her because she brought her poodle along,and he can't stand the yappy things. She's pissed off at him because he's smoking a big ol' cigar,and she hates the smell of cigar smoke.They're fighting and fussing back and forth,when the pilot of the plane comes into the cabin.He says "Tsk,tsk,folks.We can't have ya fighting like this on your honeymoon.I'll tell ya what I'm gonna do!I'm gonna go put the poodle out on one wing,and then I'm gonna go put the cigar out on the other wing.That should keep the both of you happy!".The pilot then proceeds to do that-puts the poodle on one wing and the cigar on the other wing.The man and his bride now make up,are happy and are cuddling away.All of a sudden,the door to the outside of the airplane opens up,and the poodle comes strolling in!

Guess what the poodle had in it's mouth? :D

WAS JESUS A BLACK JEWISH IRISH WOMAN?

PROOF THAT JESUS WAS...

...Jewish:

1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until the age of 33.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

...Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job.
3. His last request was a drink.

...Puerto Rican:

1. His first name was Jesus.
2. He was always in trouble with the law.
3. His mother did not know who his father was.

...Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

...Black:

1. He called everybody brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

...Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But the most compelling evidence of all - proof that Jesus was a WOMAN:

1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2 . He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do.

I HAVE SOME MORE...
A professor at the University is giving a seminar on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks them, "How many folk here believe in ghosts?"

About 80 students raise their hands. "That's a good start," says the professor, "For those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good," continues the professor, "I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response," remarks the impressed professor, "has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"Brilliant. But let me ask you one question further...

Have any of you ever been intimate with a ghost?"

One of his students from a Redneck state raises his hand.

The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed that.

You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor asks, "Well, tell us what it's like to have made love to a ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost?!? Dang it!... I thought you said 'goats....
AND ANOTHER ONE...
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone handwritten the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class. The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board.

Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words,

'The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!'

3 man's (2 from israel and one from france)are flying in an airplane to a nice vacation in gaza..in the middle of the flight the israelis had a fight with the guy from france and they wanted to throw him out from the airplane.
the capitan of the flight saw there intention and shout them:"hi dani..beni...you can't throw out a man from my airplane in the middle of the flight without a reasonable reason..i tell you what..i will ask each one of you a question.if one of you won't know the answer.. than you can throw him out..ok?
the capitan started and he asked the first israeli:" dani.. when did the worldwar 1 open?
DANI:1937?
capitan:"no dani.. but i will accepte that answer!..NOW TO THE SECOND QUESTION..
capitan:"beni..when did worldwar 2 open?
BENI:1941?
capitan:"no beni...but i will accepte that answer!
now to you my frence freind..
capitan:"fransoa..how many jews died in the holocaust?
FRANSOA:i know that !!6 millions!!!
capitan:"yes fransoa..but what about there names?...

David - I love your stuff, and I'm about as unpolitically correct as you can get, but in all fairness, comments 2 and especially 3 about the Puerto Rican people were just a bit over the line. Sorry, but I felt compelled to make this comment. Hope it doesn't sour our relationship.

Okay, so I'm frantically trying to keep up here, but it's definitely difficult.

I'm going to be out of town for the weekend, but Monday evening or Tuesday morning, I'll print out all this stuff, and rate it all, and get some help finding some cute little gif files of ribbons and other award type things, and post prizes on Wednesday. That sound okay?

Here's another great joke: just to goad everyone to greater heights:

Okay, so a Jew, a Palestinian, a Shi'ite woman, Jesus, Moses, George Bush, and Slobodan Milosevic walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of a joke!?!?"

hi it's just joke.you can joke about israelis also.i'm just tellnig the jokes that i know.i have nothing aginst enyone.try to enjoy and not be offenended i'm not trying to insulted enyone.
back to business..God says to Adam, "I have some good news and some bad news. What do you want to hear first?" Adam says, "Tell me the good news first."

God says, "I'm going to give you a penis and a brain. You'll derive from these great pleasure and great intellect."

Adam replies, "Wonderful! But what's the bad news?"

God says, "I'm only going to give you enough blood supply to work one at a time."

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@and for now mark about israelis:
Nine year old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelis out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelis were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"


[Edited by ROMANO on May 2nd, 2003 at 05:41 AM]

VERY FUNNY JUULIE!!
Two priests were going to ISRAEL on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc.

The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father" - "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?

The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.

After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.)

Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning, Father," "Good morning Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. "Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"

"Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!" .
AND NOW FOR MARK:
Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they kept for themselves. The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money towards the circle. What landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the circle god kept.

The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed inside the circle god kept.

The rabbi said, "I've got you both beat. I throw the money into the air and what god wants, god takes."
@@@@@@@@@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!$$$$$$$$$$$
An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it?

The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too...I know you're supposed to be celibate. But...."

The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

##############################################
A JEWISH man is trying to understand the nature of God and asked him: "God, how long is a million years to you?"

God answered: "A million years is like a minute."

Then the man asked: "God, how much is a million dollars to you?" And God replied: "A million dollars is like a penny."

Finally the man asked: "God, could you give me a penny?" And God says: "In a minute."

###########################################

A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?" The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care. I just came from having a mammography, and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18-year-old." The husband said, "What did he say about your 55-year-old ***?" "Your name never came up," she replied.

Father O'Malley answers the phone: "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will".

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use. "But we didn't use them", the man complains. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager continues. "But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again. "Well, we have them here, and you could have", the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100." "That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife." "But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.

"The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."

"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."

"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk...
#######################
It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, Toshiba, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history." Who said "Give me Liberty,or give me death?"

She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.

"Now," said the teacher, "who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?"

Again, no response except from Toshiba: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do."

As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper: "Damned Japanese."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.

At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Toshiba's classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna throw up."

Teacher says "Who said that?".

Again, Toshiba raises his hand and says "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Well, suck my...."

Once again, it's Toshiba with the answer, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997." ...