:confused:

Don't you get the bricklayer joke??? Okay, I'll try one more...



There is this guy on an airplane smoking a cigar, so the flight attendant comes over and says, "Sir, there is no smoking on this flight. You have to put that out."

The flight attendant walks away, but the man keeps smoking. The flight attendant comes back and says, "If you don't put that cigar out, that cigar is going out the window."

She leaves again, but he keeps puffing away. So she comes back, snatches the cigar, and chucks it out the window.

Now a couple of rows back, a lady has a little dog, and it won't stop barking. So the flight attendant heads over there. "If you don't shut that dog up, that dog is going out the window."

A couple of minutes later the dog is still barking. So the flight attendant goes over, grabs the dog, and tosses it out the window.

A few rows back, a little boy with a window seat tugs on his mom's sleeve. "Look out the window, Mommy," says the little boy. She looks out and sees this little dog hanging on to the wing by his front paws. <b>And what does the dog have in it's mouth?</b>

Hmmmm. Same as my post above.

Geez, I'm an idiot. I should really learn to read. :)

Either way, no one has answered either of our questions...

Somehow,I think that we're both gonna have the same answer! :D

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Apparantly, my humor plug-in hasn't been working over the last couple days. I don't get the bricklayer joke and the only thing I can think of in the dog's mouth is the cigar, which doesn't strike me as funny.

I was hoping some other schlub would admit to being mystified so I wouldn't look so stoopid. Oh well, bring on the "I'm with stupid" gifs. . .

Chuck

Nope,the dog had a brick in his mouth!!

Bwahahahaha....

I can't believe that you hadn't heard that one.

Here's my contribution:

A farmer has three daughters, all getting ready to go out on a date (well, different dates) one Friday evening. The farmer, as is his wont (yes, that's a word), gathers his shotgun and stands by the front door, ready to greet the young gentlemen.

Soon, the doorbell rings. The farmer opens the door and the young gentleman says, "Hi. My name is Freddy. I'm here for Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. Is she ready?"

The farmer looks the well-dressed caller over, and nods his assent. The happy couple drives away.

After a few minutes, the doorbell rings again.

"Hello, my name is Joe. I'm here for Flo. We've got tickets to the show. Can she go?"

Again, the farmer gives his blessing, and the couple heads off.

The farmer has no sooner shut the door when the doorbell rings for the third time.

"Hello, my name is Chuck. ..."

BANG, the farmer shoots him.

A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Mexican, and an American went skydiving.

The plane reaches 10,000 feet, the frenchman yells "Vive la France!" and jumps out.

The plane reaches 20,000 feet, the englishman yells "Long live the Queen!" and jumps out.

The plane reaches 50,000 feet, the american yells "Remember the Alamo!" and pushes the mexican out!

We use these jokes to get our freshmen every year on a long bus ride. We'll start telling jokes, and you can see the upperclassmen's eyes light up. I'll tell the bricklayer joke and everyone will laugh hysterically like it's the funniest joke in the history of the world. The freshmen will have dumb looks on their faces, and the upperclassmen tease them because they don't get it, or convince them that it's funny. Invariably, at least one will say something like "Oh, oh yeah, yeah, I get that one. That's really funny." That makes everyone laugh harder because it's not funny at all. Then we'll tell a couple other jokes, and I'll come back with the dog/cigar joke and as soon as one of the freshmen says "a cigar?" all the upperclassmen shout, "No, a brick!"

I can't believe you guys would rather officiate than coach. You don't get moments like this.

Two dobermans were at the vet. One asks the other (yes, you have to buy the premise that they can talk to each other) why he's there. The other one says, "Well, it's a pretty sad story, really. I'm here to get put down. This is my last day on earth." "Jeez" says the first dog. "What did you do to deserve that?"

"Well, yesterday my master left me alone in the house for the first time ever. Hey - I'm a doberman. I ripped up the drapes, I peed on the rug, I tore up the carpet, I knocked over the stereo equipment, I got into the refrigerator and the garbage and ate all the food. My master came home, took one look and said he 'had it' with me and that he was going to bring me in here today and have me put to sleep. So - what's your story?"

The other dog says, "I have kind of a similar story. I live with this female. I guess you'd call her my mistress. And - I must admit - for a human, she's not bad looking. Not only that, she goes around the house all day stark naked. Yesterday, she was down on her hands and knees, naked as usual, scrubbing the kitchen floor. What can I say - I'm a doberman, too. I jumped her!"

"Wow" said the other dog. "So....you're here to get put down, too?"

"No" says the first dog. "Just getting my nails clipped."

An old woman saved a fairy's life. To repay this, the fairy promised to grant the old woman three wishes. For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Poof! She became young and beautiful.

For the second wish, the old lady asked to be the richest woman in the world. Poof! She was the richest woman in the world.

For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been her best friend for so many ears. Poof!

The fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth. The old lady and the fairy said their goodbyes.

After the fairy left, the handsome man strolled over to here and asked: "Now aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"..say something mark

[Edited by ROMANO on May 2nd, 2003 at 12:44 PM]

I never did. And now that I finally get it, it still doesn't really tickle my funny bone. I guess it's not so much of a joke as a "gotcha" moment.

Now that's funny! But I can't figure out who he was there to see. . .

Chuck [BANG!]

Now that's funny! But I can't figure out who he was there to see. . .

Chuck [BANG!] [/QUOTE]

Asian girl. She's adopted.

A farmer had three beautiful daughters.

One day a soldier came walking up the driveway, the farmer knewof the Army's reputation and yelled to his wife, "Wife, wife, ...go get the girls and bring 'em into the house!"

The next day, a sailor came walking up the driveway, the farmer knew of the Navy's reputation and yelled to his wife, "Wife, wife, ...go get the girls and bring 'em into the house!"

The next day, a coach came walking up the driveway, the farmer knew of coaches' reputations and yelled to his wife, "Wife, wife, ...go get the girls and bring 'em into the house, ...bring the cow, too!"

Here's a few that were sent to me by a camp buddy:

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll
serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was assalted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of
home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad
Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see
you're nuts."

As Stephen Wright might say:

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one
of them. It's either my mum or my dad... or
maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother
Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

A guy walks into his doctor's office. He has a carrot stuck up his nose, a broccoli spear sticking out of one ear and a cucumber sticking out of the other. He tells the doctor he isn't feeling well.

The doctor replies, "I see your problem. You're not eating properly."




Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny.




A guy goes to work and as he enters his building, the doorman tells him he looks bad. He tells the doorman that he can't understand that because he feels good. He then enters his office and his secretary tells him he looks bad. He tells her he feels good, however.

The day goes on and everyone he meets tells him he looks bad. He is very confused because he feels good. Finally, so many people tell him he looks bad that he decides he'd better go to the doctor.

He tells the doctor that everyone tells him he looks bad but that he feels good. The doctor says he will look this up in his medical book.

The doctor turns the pages and says "Hmmmmm, looks bad, feels bad - no, that's not it - hmmmmm, looks good, feels good - no, that's not it - hmmmmm, looks good, feels bad - no, that's not it either - wait, here it is - looks bad, feels good. Here's your problem. You're a vagina."

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of Europe, rather than German, which was the other possibilty. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish":

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with " f ". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with"z" and "w" with "y". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaing "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leteres. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no more trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!!!! (Und zen ve vil take over ze vorld!!!!!)

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man says, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."

Bartender: "Yeah! Sure…go ahead."

Man asks the dog, "What covers a house?" Dog says, "Roof!"

Man asks the dog, "How does sandpaper feel?" Dog says, "Rough!"

Man asks the dog, "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?" Dog says, "Ruth!"

Man says to the bartender, "Pay up. I told you he could talk."

Bartender throws both of them out the door.

Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the man and says, "Should I have said Gehrig, then?"

Hmmmmm, sounds familiar. . . ;)

HMMMMMMMMM...IS HE OR ISN'T HE?

David - Chuck meant this joke was already posted. You seem to think he was questioning whether or not Babe Ruth was the greatest ballplayer ever. I think that even when Ruth played, most fans and sportswriters thought that Ty Cobb was the greatest ballplayer ever, even though history isn't as supportive of his personal values.

Subject: actual court proceedings
Now this is damn funny.....
Things people actually said in court.
These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

One Dead Frog
One of the teachers had a kindergartener come up to her and say that he had found a frog. The teacher asked if the frog was alive or dead. The student said it was dead. The teacher asked how he knew. The boy said, "I pissed in its ear." The teacher said, "You what?" He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it didn't move. So it must be dead

SKINNY DIP
An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice, picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I only came to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill.

Here's my frog joke......
 

A scientist was experimenting with a frog. He yelled at the frog "JUMP". The frog jumped 8 feet. The scientist wrote in his notebook "Frogs with 4 legs jump 8 feet."

He then cut one of the frog's legs off and yelled "JUMP". The frog jumped 6 feet. The scientist wrote in his notebook "Frogs with 3 legs jump 6 feet."

He then cut a second leg off the frog and yelled "JUMP". The frog jumped 4 feet. The scientist wrote in his notebook "Frogs with 2 legs jump 4 feet."

He then cut the third leg off the frog and yelled "JUMP". The frog jumped 2 feet. The scientist wrote in his notebook "Frogs with 1 leg jump 2 feet."

He then cut the last leg off the frog and yelled "JUMP". The frog just sat there. He yelled again, "JUMP". The frog still just sat there. He yelled one more time, "JUMP". Again, the frog just sat there. The scientist wrote in his notebook "Frogs with no legs are deaf."

opppppppps sorry.....i didn't see..

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^
During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half of the members stood up and the other half remained seated.

The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up.

The Rabbi, educated as he was in Hebrew Law and tradition, didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested he consult a house-bound 98 year old man, who was one of the original founders of the temple. The Rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the original tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation.

The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, "Is the tradition to stand during this prayer ?"

The old man answered, "No... that is not the tradition."

The one whose followers sat asked, "Is the tradition to sit during Shema ?"

The old man answered, "No... that is not the tradition either."

"But..." the Rabbi said to the old man, "the congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether..."

The old man interrupted, exclaiming, "THAT is the tradition !"

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$
A woman is riding a bus in the Midwest, when a man gets on the bus and sits down next to her. He's wearing a black hat, long black coat, black slacks and shoes, and he has a long curly dark beard.

The woman looks at him disgustedly. "Jews like you !" she hisses at him.

He looks up at her, puzzled, and says, "I beg your pardon, madam ?"

She says, "Look at you. All in black, a beard, never take off your hat ! It's Jews like you that give the rest of us moderates a bad name."

He says calmly, "I beg your pardon, madam, but I am not Jewish. I'm Amish."

The woman looks back and smiles, "Oh, how nice. You've kept your customs."

%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% %%%%%%%
A young Jewish lad entered Notre Dame to play football. At the end of the season, he returned home.

As luck would have it, he ran into his Rabbi at the airport. The Rabbi asked, "Are they trying to convert you at South Bend ?"

The youngster said, "Of course not, Father !"

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!
and something bout...france..
in a stunning reversal of policy, French President Jacques Chirac announced today that the French government will be supporting the War on Terror after all.

President Chirac also announced that his government will be sending 3000 advisors from the elite Force du Collaborateur Francaise (French Collaboration Force) to assist the Iraqis in collaborating with the Americans while pretending to be part of a non-existent resistance movement.

Five hundred soldiers from the elite L'Abandonnement du Field d'Honneur Battalion (French Surrender Battalion) of the Legion Etrangere (Foreign Legion) are in the process of shipping out to Iraq where they will assist the elite Iraqi Republican Guards in their inevitable surrender to the overwhelming might of the American Armed Forces.

"Eet ees important to be haughty and insufferable when surrendering," said General Philippe de Peepee, the Commanding Officer of the Surrender Battalion, who has personally surrendered in over 200 battles going back to Dien Bien Phu in 1954. "We French are ze world masters at surrendering, n'est ce pas, not like you arrogant Americans who never surrender. Ha, I spit on your filthy American victories."

##################..
and something about farmer..A alien ship once landed on a remote farm and found their way to the farmhouse. Even though the farm couple were scared, they wanted to be friendly with the aliens. The farmer man stuck his hand out and explained, "It's a custom here on Earth when you meet someone you shake their hand."

The alien man stuck his hand out and said, "Its a custom in our planet that when you meet someone new you exchange partners !"

The farm couple were afraid that if they didn't go along with the aliens' custom they might be harmed, so they agreed to the exchange.

Once in bed, as the wife expected, the alien wanted to have sex. Again, she reluctantly agreed. After a few moments, he asked if he was much different than a human, and she replied, "Well, to be honest, you're a lot smaller."

He smiled and said, "If you pull on my ears it will grow both longer and thicker."

So the lady pulled on the aliens ears and it grew as he said. Thereafter followed a night of quite pleasing sex for both parties.

The next morning the alien couple returned to their ship and the farm couple was sitting in the kitchen silently having coffee. The wife said to her husband, "Vernon, I do believe that the aliens really know how to have sex !"

"Well, maybe..." he replied, "but for some reason, that damn ***** kept pulling on my ears all the nite long !" ..
#################
A young man, anxious for some sexual exercise, picked up a hot little number in Central Park, not realizing that she was a nymphomaniac. He took her to a hotel. After four times, she was still wanting more.

After the fifth, totally exhausted, he slipped out of the room on the pretense of buying cigarettes. He stopped in the men's room, unzipped his fly, and couldn't find anything.

In a panic he reached inside his shorts. His "equipment" was all still there, but tiny, very red and all drawn up.

In a soothing voice he bent over low whispered, "It's all right... You can come out now... She's not here !!!"

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line!"





A big-city lawyer went out duck hunting one weekend in rural New Hampshire. He shot and killed a bird, only to find that it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence to retrieve the duck, an elderly farmer drove up in his old truck and asked him what he was doing. The city lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and I say you're not coming over here." The lawyer sneered at the old man and said, "I am one of the biggest civil attorneys in the Northeast. If you don't let me go get that duck, I'll find a few reasons to sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer scratched his beard and said, "Well, Mister, you city fellas don't seem to know how we do things up around here. We settle little disagreements like this with the Three-Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "And what is the Three-Kick Rule?"

The farmer explained, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up. Then the winner gets to keep the duck." The attorney thought about it for a moment, and, deciding that the old codger wouldn't be much of a match for him, agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down out of the truck and walked up to the lawyer. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick, and the lawyer's nose was bleeding all over. The lawyer fell flat on the ground and the farmer's third kick to a kidney caused him to moan in pain and he started to pee blood, but he steadied himself not to give in and summoned every bit of his energy to manage to get to his feet.

"Okay, you old coot!" scowled the lawyer. "Now, it's my turn!" The old farmer climbed back up in his truck and said, "Naaaah, I give up. You can have the duck."

my girlfreind speaking to me...
WHAT SHE SEZ: WHAT SHE REALLY MEANS:
"We need" I want
"This Kitchen is so ____" = I want a new house
"I want new curtains" = and carpet, and furniture, and ...
"I need a new pair of shoes" = the other 40 are all the wrong color
"I only need a soap dish" = We'll check out ALL the sale items
"Those are a bargain" = Did you bring your checkbook ?
"Does this dress look OK ?" = I need a new wardrobe
"Look at this coat!" = Is VISA maxed out ?
"You're so attentive tonite" = Is sex all you ever think about ?
"It's just... I'm soooo tired" = Get away from me, you sex maniac
"It's been such a hectic day" = Get away from me, you sex maniac
"Hon! I just did my hair"= Get away from me, you sex maniac
"Are the kids asleep ?" = Get away from me, you sex maniac
"Won't you be late for work ?" = Get away from me, you sex maniac
"Turn out the lights first" = My thighs looked flabby today
"Of course I like making love" = Is this gonna take much longer ?
"You're ... so manly" =You need a shave and a shower
"You have such a manly scent"= For God's sake. Use some deodorant
"My, don't you look comfortable" = Go put on a shirt, slob
"So nice to see you relaxing"= Don't sit around in your underwear
"I'm not upset !"= Of course I'm upset, you moron
"I'm not emotional !" = You'd be too, if you married an idiot
"I'm not mad at all" = I can't believe you're that stupid
"Yes, I'm still talking to you"= I can't believe you're that stupid
"I'm not being quiet" =I can't believe you're that stupid
"Nothing is wrong" = Other than you're such an *******
"Hang the picture there" = NO -- there ! Can't you listen ?
"Hon, I hate to interrupt..." = Turn off the damn TV
"When you get a chance ..."= Get up & do it rite now !
"When you get time ... " = Get up & do it rite now !
"I just remembered ..." = Get up & do it rite now !
"No hurry, but ..."= Get up & do it rite now !
"Did you lock the front door ?" = Get up & go check, now !
"I think I heard a noise" = Get up & go check, now !
"Was that the baby ?" = Check the baby & change/walk him
"Just reminding you" = I've asked you a dozen damn times
"Do you love me ?" =I want something expensive
"How much do you love me ?" = I did something terrible
"Be ready in a minute" = Find a game on TV
"Is my butt fat ?" = Tell me I'm beautiful
"Do you like this lipstick ?"= Tell me I'm beautiful
"Should I get my hair cut ?" = Tell me I'm beautiful
"Yes" = No
"Maybe" = No
"Well... we'll see"= No
"Perhaps" = No
"If you think so" = No
"Let's think about it" = No
"Shouldn't we wait ?" = No
"Let's not rush things" = No
"No" = NO !!! NEVER !!! NO WAY !!!
"I'm sorry" =You'll be sorry
"Do you forgive me ?" = You'll be sorry
"Well, I was upset" = You'll be sorry
"Well, I was tired" = You'll be sorry
"Well, I had a headache" = You'll be sorry
"Do what you want" = You'll pay for this later, big time
"Do what you think best" = You'll pay for this later, big time
"You know more about it" = You'll pay for this later, big time
"As I recall, it was your idea" = You'll pay for this later, big time
"Yes, I've calmed down" = You'll pay for this later, big time
"I realize it was my fault sweetheart"= You ain't seen nothing yet !
"It's your decision" =The correct decision is obvious
"Sure... go ahead" = Don't you dare, you clown
You like this recipe ? = It's easy to fix
"Do you want to eat out ?" = I forgot to go grocery shopping
"What do you want for dinner ?" = I don't feel like cooking
"You seen that new restaurant ?"= I don't feel like cooking
"It's your Mother's recipe" = You'd better damn sight eat that
"You liked that the last time" = You'd better damn sight eat that
"Don't want to talk yet" = Go away, I'm building up steam
"Just need some time to think"= Go away, I'm building up steam
"We need to talk"= I need to complain
"Learn to communicate" = Just agree with me
"I am not yelling !" This is important, you idiot !
"Are you listening to me ???" = [Too late, you're dead]
"Our anniversary's coming up" = When I think of who I could've married
"The kids were so bad today"= Your gene pool needs more chlorine ....
so boyes am i right?.....
ps
is it the longest topic ever?...

Rewards in heaven
The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation
and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He
took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to heaven. This will be your home now." The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven." The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth. "What are the greens fees?", grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day." Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy." The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked. "That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!" The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer. "No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself." The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bloody bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"
Death Irish Style
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order." O'Malley was shocked and saddened, but, being a solid character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room, where his son had been waiting. "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Lets head to the pub and have few pints." After 3 or 4 pints, or more, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and some more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good as well as the bad. He went on to tell his friends that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple more beers. After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!" O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother after I am gone." You gotta love the Irish!

TIME TO REFLECT
A man enters the confessional and says to the Irish Priest: "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner: "You are forgiven. Go out and say three
Hail Mary's."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest asks: "Who is "Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies. "Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman sits with her legs
slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and asks: "Is that Fannie Green?" The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies: "No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes."

That one is very good, Nick, but I laughed out loud at Fannie Green!

A man and his young daughter arrive at the veterinarian's office. Her hamster is sick and the dad has brought him to the vet to humor the little girl. When they get into the vet's office, he looks the hamster over and says, "I'm sorry, but it's too late. This little guy is already gone."

The little girl cries and the dad asks, "There's nothing to do? Are you sure?"

The vet says, "Well, I can double check. Hold on."

He leaves the office and comes back holding a yellow tabby cat. The cat sniffs at the rodent, but shows no interest. Doesn't even try to paw at it. The vet takes the cat from the room and returns a moment later with a labrador retriever. The dog sniffs the hamster and gives a short bark. Again, the vet leaves the room with the dog.

He comes back in a moment later and says, "I'm sorry, but I'm quite sure that your pet is dead. Here's your bill. Please see the receptionist on the way out."

The dad looks at the bill and his mouth drops open. "Fifteen hundred dollars?!?! How can you charge us $1500 to say that a hamster is dead?!?!"

The vet replies, "Well, if you'd accepted my original diagnosis, it would've been free. But with the CAT scan and the LAB report. . ."

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?" "I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied. "What's so funny about that?" "I'm a gynecologist."

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
"Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.

51 Days
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table.
The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"
The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed children's jigsaw puzzle. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"
The blonde who brought in the picture explains, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together.
"The side of the box said 2 to 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

I thought this was a "one joke per person" competition, but apparently, I'm wrong. It reminds me of the time I sent 10 puns into a competition. I thought with 10 entries, one would surely win. Unfortunately, no pun intended.

SO do you want some more?
just tell us.
David

Another blonde puzzle story:

A blonde was attempting to put a jigsaw puzzle together and was not making any progress. She called a male friend of hers and told her that she just could not get the puzzle together. he asked her what the puzzle was a picture of and she said that the picture on the box looked like a tiger.

Well, this guy considered himself a jigsaw puzzle expert so he told the blonde to sit tight, he would come over and help her with the puzzle.

He got to the blonde's house, went inside, and saw that she had the pieces scattered all over the table. He looked over the puzzle and stated "I'm sorry, but no matter what you do, these pieces will never look like that piture."

By now the blonde was pretty distressed and emotional and asked her friend what she should do.

He said , "Well, why don't you get yourself a cup of coffee, sit down and relax for a few minutes. After that, I will help you put all of these frosted flakes back in the box!"

Andi...
i think there is only me and you...
we are the last jokers!
are'nt we?....

I remember back in 8th grade when we studied humor in English class. Our teacher told us that people groan at puns because they wish they had said it first. I didn't believe her. She then told this pun.

A king decided to imprison his court jester for telling so many bad puns. After a few days, the king went to the prison and told the jester that if he stopped telling bad puns, he would let him go. The jester replied, "Oh pun the door".

Groan - but I don't wish I had said it first.

BTW - school was much easier then. We had a lot fewer states to memorize.

Okay, this is the end for me. I won't judge any jokes posted after this. Mick can decide when his cut-off is.

I'll post my results Wednesday morning PDT.

juulie...we are waitinig for you'r results..and mick what about you?

IF YOU WANT TO SEE THE MOVIE(CARTON)CHEK IT OUT:
http://www.condom.co.il/links.asp?id=2

Two Irishmen in London whilst looking for work were strolling down Oxford Street. After walking for a few minutes, Paddy turns to Murphy with a look of amazement on his face and says: "Murphy, will you have a look at that shop over there, I thought that London was supposed to be expensive but that shop is as cheap as chips!"

Murphy says: "Paddy you`re right so you are, will you have a look at that. Suits £10.00, Shirts £4.00, Trousers £5.00, I think that we should buy the lot and take them back to Ireland. We would make a tidy profit selling them in Dublin so we would."

Paddy says in agreement: "Murphy that is as good an idea as you`ll ever have, but I`m pretty sure that you have to pay taxes and duty on things like that. The shopkeeper will never let us have them if he thinks that we`re gonna export them and make our fortune, so he won`t."

Murphy thinks and says: "Paddy, I`ve got idea! You can do the best English accent out of the pair of us. You go in there and do the talking and I`ll just stand behind you and say nothing. He`ll never guess we`re Irish so he won`t."

"OK Murphy", agrees Paddy, "I`ll do the talking, you just stand there and look English." So the two visitors to the illustrious capital city go into the shop, where Paddy is greeted politely by the owner. Paddy then proceeds to do his best Phil Mitchell impression;
"Awwwight Guvnor, I`ll `ave 20 of yer` Whistle`un Flutes`, 20 `Dickie Dirts` and 20 pairs of strides. And if yer don`t mind I`ll be paying with the 380 `Pictures of the Queen` in my `Sky Rocket`."

Upon hearing this request from Paddy, the owner smiles, takes a look at Murphy as well then says to Paddy "You`re Irish aren`t you?" Quite bemused, Paddy replies, "Oh be`Jasus. Mary mother of Christ, if that ain`t me best English accent ? How in God`s name did you know that we were Irish?"

The Owner replies "This is a Dry Cleaners".

It's alive!!
keep writing jokes!!

Re: OK, here's a few more
 

Absalutely true story>>>
My daughter was in first grade and she was at the grocery store with my wife who was writing a check. 1st graders are really getting a grasp on what it means to make good grades and their importance. She grabbed my wife's drivers license and shouted loud enough for people at ALL the surrounding checkout counters to hear: "Mommy, you got an F in sex!" Kids say the darndest things.

Please note, this joke falls in the sports catagory;
2 buddies are out fishing in the river early one morning. Suddenly they hear some rustling in the bushes and some sticks breaking and out appears a great big momma bear for her morning drink. The 2 buddies hold completly still and don't make a noise. After her drink, momma bear stands up to stretch and out of the corner of her eye, she notices the 2 fishermen.
1 buddy says to the other; whadda-ya gonna do?
Buddy #2 says; I'm gonna run.
Buddy #1 asks; do you think you can outrun a bear?
Buddy #2 replies confidently; no but I think I can outrun you!

Hmmmmm, since this thing has taken a life of its own, I shall jump in! If you find any of my stuff offensive, please let me know and I shall remove it.

Here goes:

#1-(Disclaimer: I was raised Methodist!)--Three men were sitting in a bar, a Lutheran, a Catholic, and a Mormon. The Lutheran man brags that his wife is now pregnant with their 5th child, enough to start a basketball lineup. The Catholic man says that's nothing, since his wife is pregnant with their 11th kid, enough to have a starting lineup in football. The Mormon says that's nothing, since he has 17 wives and needs just one more for a golf course.

#2-During the Bill Clinton administration, all female interns at the White House bragged of offers of extra fringe benefits. Only Monica Lewinsky accepted!

#3-Three old Catholic ladies are sitting around, having tea. The first one says, "My son is a preist, and it's pretty cool when he enters the room and everyone says 'Hello, Father!" The second lady says, "That's nothing, my son's a cardinal, and it's really cool when he enters a room and they say 'Hello, your eminence." Silence falls upon them. The two look at the third lady, who finally says...."My son is 6'4", weighs 215 pounds, and is a world-champion bodybuilder. When he walks in the room, every lady is saying 'OH, MY GOD!"

bada bing

[Edited by Ref Ump Welsch on May 18th, 2005 at 12:45 AM]

A duck walks into a general store goes up to the counter and ask the clerk "you got any fish?"

The clerk says "no" and the duck leaves. The duck goes in the next day, goes to the clerk and asks "You got any fish?"
The clerk again replies "NO!"

This goes on for a week. Finally as the duck walks in and asks "You got any fish?" The clerk replies "NO, and if you come in here again I'm gonna nail your bill to the floor!"

The duck says "OK" and leaves.

The next day the duck walks in and asks the clerk "You got any nails?" The clerk replies "No." So the duck asks "You got any fish?"

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot; the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions, and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

I heard these recently on the radio. They were both told by President Reagan, although I'm sure I've heard the first one in several different forms.

After Glasnost, traffic in Moscow grew at an alarming rate, and so did the number of speeding vehicles. It got to be so bad that the traffic cops were told to ticket anybody caught for speeding. In the spirit of the country's new "openness", party officials were not to be given any special favors -- everybody was to pay the fine.

One morning, Gorbachev woke up very late and realized that he had less than a half-hour to make his meeting clear across Moscow. He dressed quickly, and ran to his car where his driver was waiting. He told the driver they were going to have to fly across town and the driver politely reminded him of the speeding restrictions.

Gorbachev angrily told him to get in back and Gorby slid behind the wheel. As he speeds through the city streets, he is of course pulled over by a traffic cop. The cop lets him off with a warning and his partner questions him about it.

"I couldn't give him a ticket. He was too important."

"But we are not supposed to let anyone off with a warning. Who was it that was so important?"

"I don't know who it was. But he must have been really important, b/c his driver was Gorbachev!"

__________________________________________________ ____

A couple of guards are standing watch on top of the Berlin Wall. It's getting late, night is falling and people are hurrying to get home.

Suddenly, one of the guards takes aim into the crowd and shoots a man in his tracks.

The other guard is taken aback and asks, "What did you do that for?!?!"

The first guard replies simply, "Curfew."

The second guard objects, "But curfew isn't for another 15 minutes!"

The first guard says, "Yeah, but that guy is a friend of mine. I know where he lives, and he never would've made it."

A Bottle Of Wine
 

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she
saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."

i got this one somewhere..

a man was looking for his wife in the grocery store. he then bumped his cart into another mans cart.
'i am sorry. i wasnt looking at where i was going. u see i have lost my wife.' he says.
'thats ok. i have lost mine too.' the man says.
'really? well i'll help u look for yours. what does she look like?'
'she isbeautiful, tall, a redhead, and is wearing a tank top and short shorts with great legs. what does yours look like?'
'never mind. lets look for yours.'

Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus, My Heavenly Father! Why didn`t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

My great-grandfather was in Vaudeville. He was a mime and a contortionist. He'd eat 12 burritos and then walk against his own wind.

Ba-dum-dum!! :)

A guy walks into a bar and thinks he sees President Bush and Colin Powell sitting at the end of the bar. The walks up to the bartender and asks if that is the President and Powell sitting over there.

"Yeah, they've been sitting there for quite a while now," replied the bartender.

So the guy grabs his drink and walks on over there.

"What are you guys taklking about," asks the man.

"We are trying to figure out how to start World War III." replies President Bush.

"Really, and what have you come up with?" the man asks.

"Well, we are going to bomb and kill 10 million Afganis and one bicycle repair man," says Bush.

The man looks a little confused for a second and asks, "What are you going to kill a bicycle repair man for?"

Bush turns to Powell and says "See, I told you no one would worry about 10 million Afganis."

alright, I'm bored.

Ole and Sven are out on the lake fishing one fine afternoon. After a few beers, Sven turns to Ole and says,
"Hey Ole, what would you say if I told you that I snuck over to your place last night and got Leena pregnant?"

Ole, takes a drink of beer and replies, "I'd probably say were even."

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense...Deputy says, "License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What for?" Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign .." Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming." Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please." Lawyer says, "What's the difference?" Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!" Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket." Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says: "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

Hee Hee

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional But" said the Scotsman. "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why
in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."
Well." said the Englishman "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've
had enough drink they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true. "Well" said the Englishman "Did this actually happen to you?"
"Not myself personally no" said the Irishman, "But it did happen to my sister."

How Blonde Was She???


She was Soooooooo Blonde .
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cat s.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold her car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE:

She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company. :-)

I OWE MY MOTHER!!
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. If I've told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on. Don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about USTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

I heard this as a Polish joke, but it works for blonds, too.

Two friends meet and one of them has both ears heavily bandaged. The first one says, "What in the world happened to your ears?"

Second one replies, "I was ironing. . . and the phone rang."

First one says, "Well, what about the other ear?!?!"

Second friend says, "I had to call the doctor!"

Subject: Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southern Republican?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
Question: How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans
And Southern Republicans?
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock cal .40, and you are an expert shot? You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of
his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Republican's Answer:
BANG!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Southern Republican's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click.....(sounds of reloading).
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! click
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy!

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him.


"Chief Two Eagles" asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.


The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion,where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied:
"When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes,No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled .....
Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

Below is an actual letter sent to a Bank in the United States. The Bank Manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account by $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2002, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised of the following changes. I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities)must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice service: Press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woodie Guthrie: "Oh, the banks are made of marble, With a guard at every door, And the vaults are filled with silver, that the miners sweated for." On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from the Authorized Contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute. You will be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?

Your Humble Client,
(Name Withheld)

A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat, and a wave of nervous anticipation washes over him.
Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out, “Business trip or vacation?”

The woman turns, smiles and says, “Business. I’m going to the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago.”

The man swallows hard and is instantly crazed with excitement. Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, “What’s your business role at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she says. “I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really,” he says. “What myths are those?”

“Well,” she explains, “one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it’s men of Jewish decent.”

Suddenly, the women becomes very embarrassed and blushes. “I’m sorry,” she says, “I shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don’t even know your name!”

“Tonto” the man says as he extends his hand. “Tonto Goldstein.”

ref18, that's a long-winded version of an oooooooold Steven Wright joke, only it's Jewish cowboys, and the guy's name is Bucky Goldberg. :)

Anyway,

It's the first day of school and the first grade teacher wants the kids to get to know each other a little, but also to get some educational value out of the activity. So she decides to ask the kids to tell their parents' job, spell the job, and what the parent would do if he or she came to class.

Mary raises her hand first.

"Yes, Mary, what does your mom or dad do for work?"

"My daddy is a baker. He makes breads, and cakes, and cookies!", Mary answers.

"Very nice, dear. Can you spell 'baker'?"

Mary thinks hard for a moment and slowly spells out b-a-k-e-r.

"Very good, Mary. And what would your daddy do if he came to class?"

Mary gets very excited. "He would bring lots of cookies and cakes and we could have a big party!!"

The teacher is very pleased. "That's wonderful, Mary. Who's next?"

Johnny raises his hand. "My daddy is an electrician. He fixes wires and lights and TV's in people's houses."

"That's very good, Johnny. Can you spell 'electrician' for us?"

Johnny thinks for a moment and starts to spell, "E-l-e. . .k-r. . ."

The teacher interrupts him. "That's all right, dear. Take a moment to think about it and we'll come back to you. You can spell it for us later. Who'd like to go next? Jimmy, go ahead."

Jimmy says, "My dad's a bookie. He takes bets from people on football games and horse races."

The teacher is taken aback, but decides that as long we don't hear any more about bookies, it's probably alright to spell it, so she asks Jimmy to spell 'bookie'".

Jimmy spells out, "B-o-o-k-i-e. And if my dad came to class, he'd lay you 50-to-1 odds that Johnny won't be able to spell 'electrician'."

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen" he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down, because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries"
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. *
She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?"

A Jazz Chord
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience, He asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord."
A bit irritated by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.
The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord!"
Well now truly irritated that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK, mister, you get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing...
"A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

Is it the most popular topic ever ?..

Who got the Job?
 

Two men from very different educational backgrouds went to NY City for a job interview.

One man was a Harvard graduate and very distinguished, and the other was a good old boy that attended a small community college in southern Mississippi.

Both men entered the personel managers office at the same time. When they were seated the manager told them, " You are the two finalists for the job. Your equally qualified to do the job. There is one test I like to use as the final measuring stick when deciding who should be hired in our office. I would like you both to go back out to the lobby and write me a poem that rymes with Timbuktoo somewhere in the poem. I can tell a lot about a man through poetry."

The Harvard grad finished first. His poem read:

" I took a trip upon a ship across the ocean blue "
" Aboard a Spanish frigate that was bound for Timbuktoo."

" Not bad at all my friend," said the manager. " That is the best poem I have ever heard from an applicant."

The good old boy went second with a heavy heart. He felt he didn't do well at all.

His poem went something like this:

" Tim and I to the desert went."
" Where three whores had pitched a tent."
" Since they was three and weez just two."
" I bucked one while Tim bucked two."


Who got the job?

Tim.

Re: Who got the Job?
 

:D If I was a judge, this has my vote

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." Says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant." says the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my business."

"...Now give me back my dog."

The Coach of a basketball team told me this before the game once (and he is Mexican)

Q:What do you call four mexicans in quick sand?

A:Quatro Sinco

Enlightenment :
1. ARBITRATOR: A cook who leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds.
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do.
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with.
5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.
6. COUNTERFEITERS : Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living.
8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does.
10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money.
11. MISTY: How golfers create divots.
12. PARADOX: Two physicians.
13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm.
15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with.
16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring.
18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.
19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.
20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official.

A golf joke (what else)
 

A man is playing golf with his wife. As he is about to tee off on the last hole, his wife walks in front of him. She is struck by the tee shot and falls down dead.

When the police question the man back at the clubhouse, one cop asks, "I can see how the golf ball in the head could be accidental, but she also has a golf ball in her rear end. Can you explain that?"

"Oh, that was my mulligan"

Point's to Ponder
 

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do
not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me
the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with
a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if
you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper,
that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be
replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just
like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both
feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive,
try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should
walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you
criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is
not for you.


10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a
day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a
boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that
person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to
remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're
the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to
know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is
to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a
light side and a dark side, and it holds the
universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with
women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning
much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get
until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a
sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


Tim.

Blonde Argument
Dear Diary,
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with
those expensive, double pane, energy efficient kind, but this week I got a call from the contractor, complaining his work had been completed a year ago and I had yet to pay for them.
Boy oh boy, did we go around and around! Just because I'm a blonde does not mean I'm automatically stupid.
So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking
sales guy had told me last year, namely, that in one year, the windows would pay for themselves.
There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up. I have not heard anything back.
Guess I won that stupid argument . . . . ! ! !

Baseball in Heaven
 

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?" Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."


Tim.

No Speaka Da Engleesh
 

No Speaka tha English

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady
indignantly. "In this country . . we don't speak aloud in public places
about our sex lives. . "

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' about a sex? I'm
a justa tella' my frienda how to spell a "Mississippi'."

Tim.

Hungry Parrot
 

A man with a speech impediment walked into a pet store and asked the clerk, “Dub yube sell birb seeb?” The clerk asked him to repeat what he said, and the man again asked, “Dub yube sell birb seeb?” The clerk couldn’t understand him and yelled at him to get out of the store and stop wasting his time.

Two days later the man returned. He aked the same clerk the same question: “Dub yube sell birb seeb?” The clerk recognized him and told him that he’d better say what he wants clearly, or else. The man tried again, and again the best he could do was to say, “Dub yube sell birb seeb?” Once again the clerk threw him out.

Two days later, the same thing happened. Twice the man asked, “Dub yube sell birb seeb?”, only to be rudely shown the door.

A week later the man once again walked into the bird store, this time carrying a dead parrot. The clerk saw him and started to throw him out immediately when the man said, with slow but perfect diction, “Do you stuff birds?” Well, that’s more like it, the clerk said. He told the man that they did indeed stuff birds, and asked how he could help. The man threw the dead parrot at him and said, “Stuftht thisth up your assp! You starfed the fing to deaf!”

Re: Baseball in Heaven
 

I've heard this one before and like it a lot. But on this website, shouldn't we adjust it to "You're working the plate on Friday" or "You're the R on Friday"? :)

Re: Re: Baseball in Heaven - Oh, my !
 

[sigh!!!!]
Many here do not wear black sneakers, when they have plate shoes.
mick

The Ticket
 

A man was pulled over for speeding. When the officer asked him for his license and registration, the man said he could not produce them. The officer asked if he didn’t have them and was told that he did, but that they were in his glove compartment, and if he opened it the cop would see his unregistered gun. He asked why he had a gun and was told that he needed it because of all the drugs he sold illegally. The cop told him to exit the vehicle and open his trunk for a search, but the man refused. He told the cop he couldn’t open the trunk because he had a dead body hidden in there. The cop, on the verge of the biggest bust in his career, called for back-up. The chief of police arrived shortly with 4 more deputies. The chief asked the man his name and the man said, chief, if you’ll look in my pocket you’ll find my name on my license and registration. The chief said that the officer told them he didn’t have a license and registration, and that he had a gun, drugs, and a dead body in the car. The man laughed and said, I bet he told you I was speeding, too.

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first
on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

A woman is in her shower when there's a knock on her front door. She sticks her head out of the shower and yells, "Who is it?!!"

A man yells from outside, "Blind man!!"

She's naked and wet, but she figures if some poor blind guy needs some help, what could it hurt? He's not gonna see anything anyway.

So she hops out of the shower and opens the front door. The guy says, "So where do you want the blinds, lady?"

(Stolen from Henny Youngman)

A gynaecologist goes to night school to become a mechanic and he is confused by his final mark of 150%. He sees his instructor. “Look,” he says” I don’t want to seem ungrateful but, could you explain how I received such a high score?” The instructor says: “Firstly you were asked to pull the engine apart in an orderly fashion, and for that you received 50%. Secondly you were asked to put the engine back together neatly. For that you received 50%. Finally, I gave you the bonus 50% for doing it through the muffler!”

An alligator isn't feeling well, and decides to go see a veternarian. He describes his symptoms to the doctor as feeling run down, lethargic, lacking energy. He even tells the vet that he doesn't have the energy to lay in wait for a duck to swim by. So...the vet runs several tests on the alligator. After all the tests come back, the vet goes back in to the waiting alligator, and presents him with some blue, diamond shaped pills and tells him to take one a day.

"Wait," says the alligator. "Isn't this that viagra stuff I have heard about. Look Doc....I don't have any problem in that area."

"Well.." the vet replies, "our tests show that you are suffering from a reptile dysfunction."

My tattoo says MIT

or

Massachusetts Institute of Technology :)

Nick, just wanted you to know that my wife was almost in tears, she was laughing at this joke so hard. Thanks!

If well endowed waitresses work at Hooters, where do the one legged waitresses work???


























IHOP

IT WAS ALL SANTA'S FAULT
 

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth, and two others had jumped the fence and were out heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the
elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice
had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.

He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Vito calls Luigi and says he has a gorilla on his barn roof and can Luigi help him get it down.

Fifteen minutes later, Luigi pulls up in his truck with a ladder, a baseball bat, a bunch of bananas, handcuffs, a pit bull, and a shotgun.

Vito: Howa alla dis stuff gonna get dat gorilla offa my barn ?
Luigi: First, Ima gonna climb up on da barn wit da ladder. When I geta dere, ima gonna dangle da bananas in front of da monkey. When hea reaches for da bananas, ima gonna knock him offa da roof wit da baseball bat. When da gorilla hits da ground, dat specially trained pit bull will go right for dat monk's family jewels. When da gorilla puts hisa hands down to protect hisself, youa slappa da cuffs on him.
Vito: Dat's a great plan Luigi, but whatta da shotgun for ?
Luigi: Iffa by chance da gorilla knocks me offa da roof, you shoot da damn dog !!!!!!!


Doug

Why do terrorists commit suicide?
Everyone seems to be wondering why the Arab terrorists are so quick to commit suicide? Let's see now... They have...
No premarital sex.
No booze....No bars.
No television....No Internet.
No organized sports, stadiums, tailgate parties. Actually, no tailgates.
No pork sausages, no pork chops, no ham
Sand everywhere and not a dune buggy in sight.
Ever try to fish at an oasis?
Rags for clothes and hats.
Eating only with your right hand 'cause you wipe your butt only with your left hand. (Like life isn't complicated enough already yet!!)
Constant wailing from the neighbour 'cause he's sick and there's no doctor.
No music.....No radio.
You can't shave....You can't shower.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
Oh, .... and then they'll tell you that when you die, it all gets better!
Who wouldn't go for it?

TiNY

Fort Ticondaroga, New York.

Dear Spike,
I have been unable to sleep since I forced my daughter to break off her engagement to you. Will you forgive and forget?
I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo, and pierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted the way I did to the fact that you have never held a job.
I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park.
Sure, my daughter is only 17 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on a full ride scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books.
I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.
Sincerely,
Your future father-in-law....
P.S. Congratulations on winning the Powerball lottery

Ouch that's a tatoo
 

The way I heard this one was that I guy had gotten talked into tatooing his girlfriend's name... there. "Wendy"

The guy happened to be on his honeymoon ... in the restroom when a big Jamaican parks him self at the adjoining urinal. The guy notices that the Jamaican also has his privates tatooed. He starts to make some small talk about how he got talked into this by his girlfriend - now, wife, named Wendy. He takes another glance at the Jamaican and notices simlar letters W - E - N - D - Y, and is astounded that perhaps they have girlfriends with the same idea and incredibly the same name!

The Jamaican responds, "Nah, Man. My girl is not Wendy. I work for the Tourism Department. Mine sez: WELCOME TO JAMAICA HAVE A NICE DAY!"

Like you haven't heard this joke three times already. Oh well.

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NHL 4.3, MLB 3.0, and NBA 3.6. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?
Signed, Desperate

Dear Desperate:
First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try to enter the command: "C:\ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME" to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. Remember, though, that overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, or Happy Hour 7.0. Whatever you do: DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0: In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

(This joke was told by Ronald Reagan, so feel free to adapt it to your own political leanings.)

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A politician making his first run at the US Senate is making a campaign trip through the small farm towns in one area of his state. He's very nervous, because this area is heavily Democratic and he's unsure of the reception he'll get as a Republican.

He knocks on one farmhouse door, introduces himself and informs the gentleman that he is the running for the Senate on the Republican ticket. The man says, "We don't get a lot of Republicans in this area. Let me get a couple of my buddies up here. I'm sure they'll want to hear what you have to say. Wait here and I'll go make a couple of phone calls."

So the candidate waits patiently, looking for a spot from which to deliver his brilliant oratory. The highest spot on this flat piece of land, however, is a pile of "fertilizer". Not pleasant, but when 20 or so folks from the communtiy show up, he climbs the mound and makes a fairly good speech.

After the speech, the farmer says to him, "Thank you very much. That's the first time we've heard a Republican speech."

The politician answered, "Thank you for listening. That's also the first time I've given a Republican speech from a Democratic platform!" :)

Brain Cramps
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,
then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

A man and his wife of 35 years is traveling through Jerusalem when the wife has a terrible reaction to an insect bite and dies.

He finds out that he can have her flown back to the U.S. for $5,000 or buried in Jerusalem for $150.

When confronted about his choice, the man is pretty firm about flying her back to the U.S. The locals are perplexed that someone would spend that kind of money when he could spend $150 and get her buried right there in the holy land.

He explained his reasoning, "There was a man buried in the holy land once and after three days, he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance".

NEW PET
A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked
him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?" But
again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about The Lord!?"


YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS!






A little voice came out of the box:.....................






"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes.