What do you call a lady with one leg?

Ilene

What do you call a chinese lady with one leg?

Irene

How do you blind a chinaman?

Put a windshield in front of him.

Catholic Parrots
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him. "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement in
State College Pennsylvania, when his limo arrived to take him to Harrisburg
International Airport. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and
spoke to the driver. "You know" he said, "I am 87 years old and I have never
driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?" The driver
said, "No problem. Have a go at it." Billy gets into the driver's seat and
they head off down the highway. As they go thru the Lewistown Narrows
construction zone a rookie Pa State Trooper was operating his First speed
trap. The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The Trooper
pulled out and easily caught the limo and got out of his patrol car to begin
the procedure.
The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was
rolled down he was surprised to see who was driving. He immediately excused
himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. He told the
supervisor, "I know we are supposed to enforce the law but I also know that
important people are given certain courtesies. I need to
know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person."
The supervisor asked, "Is it Gov. Rendell?" The young trooper said, "No,
he's more important than that." The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's George W."
The young trooper said, "No, he's even more important than that." The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"
The young trooper said,
"I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!"

Ole and Sven are out on the boat fishing one day when Sven says:
"Hey Ole, what would you say if I told you that last month when you were out of town I snuck over to your house and made love to your Lena and got her pregnant?"

Ole replies "I'd probably say were even"

An old irish priest goes into a bar in Ann Arbor, Michigan and sits down at the bar. He says to the bartender "Sir, I'd like to tell you a story about the greatest football team ever, the Notre Dame Fighting Irish". The bartender runs over to him and says "Whoa, buddy! You see those two guys over there? They were both on the offensive line for Michigan, and won the National Championship! The guy playing pool? he was an all-american with the wolverines in '77, and the guy at the end of the bar used to block for Desmond Howard. This place is full of Michigan Wolverines, and they're all listening. Are you sure you want to tell this story?" The priest though a moment, and said "Nah, you're right. I don't want to have to spell the big words." :D

Guy walks into an adult bookstore and asks for an inflatable doll.

The counter guy asks him "male or female?"
The guy says "female"
Counter guy says "black or white?"
The guy says "white"
Counter guy says "Christian or Muslim?"
Guy says "What the hell does religion have to do with anything?"
Counter guy says "The muslim one blows itself up."

You have to originally be from PA (or at least spend a lot of time here) if you refer to it as the "Lewistown Narrows."

Three chaps are on holidays in Spain and find themselves sitting at a bar together. Each guy orders a draft beer, and a fly lands in each one's beer.

The Irish guy pulls out the fly, discards it, and says, "No harm there," and drinks down his beer.

The English guy immediately returns his beer to the barkeep. "This is disgusting," he says. "I won't drink a tainted beverage."

The Scottish guy carefully picks up his fly by its wings, holds it over the glass and screams, "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"

Ace

Jesus and Moses where playing golf. Moses hits the ball straight toward the water, the water parts , the ball lands on the green. JESUS hits the ball straight toward the water, the ball bounces over the water lands on the green. Their 3rd person hits the ball it lands in the woods , a bird catches the ball , he gives it to the squirrel , the squirrel takes the ball to the green,drops it in the hole, Moses says I hate it when I play with your DAD

Jesus was playing golf with Moses. First hole, both tee off and are in the fairway. The next shot is about 200 yards to the green with a pond directly in front of the green.

Jesus is away and he says, "Arnold Palmer would use a 5 iron for this shot." Jesus pulls the 5 iron out of his bag, hits the shot, and watches it land right in the middle of the pond. Jesus asks Moses to go get the ball for him. Moses walks up to the pond, spreads his hands apart, the pond waters part, and Moses walks in and picks up Jesus' ball.

Jesus prepares to hit the shot again, same result, right in the pond, Moses gets the ball and returns it to Jesus. This happens several more times....

Finally, the next group waiting on the tee is getting impatient and sends someone up to see what the holdup is.

The golfer says to Moses, "Let's go, willya?!?...Who does this guy think he is, Jesus Christ?!?!?"

Moses replies.....







"No, he thinks he's ARNOLD PALMER!"

This is a real restaurant found near the Cooperstown Dreams Park Baseball Complex.


http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/9...0/DSC00748.jpg


Tim.

MLB Umpires
 

With over 15 pages in this thread please excuse me if I've duplicated this one.

What's the difference between a poor delusional soul and a Major League Umpire? The poor delusional soul only THINKS he's God.

Jesus, Moses & St Peter were playing golf 1 fine day in heaven.

At the first tee Jesus hits the ball and it slices far off into the woods, where it bounces off a tree it rolls by a bunny. The bunny hops after it and picks it up in its mouth & hops off...when out of nowehere an eagle appears in the sky and swoops down to quickly grab the bunny & head skyward. As the eagle flies off and is only a speck in the sky thunderclouds appear on the horizon. As the clouds mass thunder is heard, and suddenly a loud clap and a bolt of lightning hits the eagle which drops the bunny which hits the ground on the green causing the ball to pop out of it's mouth. The ball rolls into the cup.

Moses turns to Jesus and says:

"Are you here to play golf or screw around"?

Q: What did the doe say when she came out of the woods?

A: "I'll never do that for two bucks again!"

Heard this one today...sorry if it's already been posted.

Q: What do you get when you cross a jackass and a zebra?

A: A referee

:D

A penguin is driving along one day when his car starts to sputter. So, he immediately pulls over at the first gas station that has a garage. He tells the mechanic on duty that his car is making this funny sputtering noise. The mechanic tells him to give him about thirty minutes to figure out what the problem is.

So...while he is waiting the penguin wanders down the street to a little ice cream shoppe that he had seen. You know, penguins, being from colder climes, just love ice cream. He goes into the ice cream shoppe and orders himself an ice cream cone.

Now you know, that penguins don't have any hands, so he had to hold the cone between both of his flippers. The penguin walks back to the garage where is car is eating his ice cream cone, but because of his inability to control the cone well, he gets a little of the ice cream on his beak. When he gets back to the garage, the mechanic meets him and says,

"Well, buddy, it looks like you blew a seal."

To which the penguin replies, "Nope, that's just ice cream."

Sky Popper's deer joke reminded me of this one:

What is the difference between Beer Nuts and deer nuts?

Beer Nuts are about $2.99 a pound and deer nuts are under a buck!

Sam

OK - Halloween joke

A "frisky" husband an wife were going to a Halloween costume party. Prior to leaving for the party, the husband was suprised when his wife entered the living room naked and wearing knee high shinny black boots. The husband indicated they did not have time to "fool around" and requested his wife get dressed for the party.
Wife: "This is my costume."
Husband: "You are dressed as what?"
Wife: "I am going as Puss-n-Boots"
The husband smiled and promptly went to the kitchen, got undressed, cut a hole in a large baking potato and placed on his "male part". Upon his return to the living room his wife was quite suprised and ask her husband what he was doing.
Husband: "If you are wearing that costume, this is mine."
Wife: "What is your costume?"
Husband: "If you are going to the party as Puss-n-Boots then I am going as a Dicktater."

They both promptly changed costumes prior to attending the party.

Sam

Some folks have heard me tell this one recently, but here goes:

Q: Why do they give hot chocolate and Viagra to the old men in the retirement home?


A: The hot chocolate gets them to sleep and the Viagra keeps them from rolling out of bed.

Ok, I'm going to offend an ethnic group and a religion at the same time. So if anybody really objects, I'll take it off. But I thought it was pretty funny.


Q: Why don't Italians like Jehovah's Witnesses?

A: Because they don't like any witnesses!

They don't <b>what</b>, Rodney?

No wonder you don't get any respect.:rolleyes:

I threw mine over my my shoulder one Halloween. Went out trick-or-treating as a gas pump.

It's true, it's true.......

Why did the blonde have square breasts. She forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

Ack! I fixed it. What a dork.

You threw a baked potato over you shoulder for Halloween?

Whatever... :rolleyes:

Rather than explain to the humor/follically-challenged one, it might be easier if I just e-mailed you a picture. Gotta warn you though. It's a <b>huge</b> file; gonna take a while to download.

Big potato, eh?

Idaho red.

One eye.

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a bit, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

A young Jewish man calls his mother to tell her that he's gotten engaged. The mother is very excited and of course wants to meet lucky lady. The son suggests that they meet for lunch at a restaurant so the mom and the fiancee can meet and get to know each other.

The mother gets to the restaurant for lunch and her son is standing at the doorway. He leads her to a table and she sits down across from three beautiful women. The mother asks why there are three women there and the son says it's an experiment to see if the mother can pick out the fiancee by the end of the meal.

So at the end of the meal the son says good-bye to all the women. They leave and the son sits back down.

"So Mom, which one do you think is my fiancee?", the son asks.

"That's easy," says the mother. "The redhead in the middle."

"That's amazing!", the son replies. "How did you know??!?!"

The mother just shrugs. "She's the one I didn't like."

Two guys in a restaurant
 

A Chinese man is sitting having dinner when, from out of nowehere, someone comes and dumps a hot bowl of chicken soup over his head. He turns around and sees his assailant is wearing a yarmulke.

"WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?" says the confused Chinaman.

"That is for Pearl Harbor," says the Jew.

"Waitaminute," says the Chinaman. "I'm Chinese, not Japanese."

The other guy says, "Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" Then he goes back to his table.

A few minutes later, the Jewish guy finds himself doused with a huge portion of noodles. He turns to see his nemesis holding the empty bowl. "THAT'S FOR THE TITANIC!" he says.

"But the Titanic was sunk--"

"Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

Very funny joke!
 

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask.'
The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,
'How are you doing? Are you happy here?'
The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best.
:) :) :)

Joke :) Very good!
 

A Chicago lawyer named George successfully defends a major crime lord from charges of dealing drugs, racketeering, murder, kidnapping, and selling arms.
As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabs him by the arm. "Young man, where are your Christian scruples? I believe you would defend Satan himself!"
"I don't know," George says, "what has your kid done?"
:) :) :)

Two elderly couples go out for dinner together. As they're sitting at the table, one of the men says to the other man, "I'm starting to have trouble remembering names of people that I know. I suppose it's natural, but I hate it."

The other elderly gentleman says, "I know exactly how you feel. The same thing started happening to me a couple years ago. But I found that it really helps if I associate the person's name with a picture in my mind. For example, say I want to remember my doctor's name. I picture a flower. It's red. It has a long stem. Lots of thorns. OK! Right, it's a rose!"

He leans over to his wife.

"Rose, what's my doctor's name?"

A logging company in the northwest needed to hire some lumberjacks. The executive had been interviewing applicants all day, when an old, skinny, frail-looking man comes into the office.

The old man says, "You hiring lumberjacks?"

The exec looks him over dismissively. "Do you have any experience as a lumberjack?"

The old man says that he does indeed have experience and the exec asks where he's worked previously.

"The Sahara Forest," the old man says.

"You mean the Sahara Desert", the exec corrects him.

The old guy shrugs his shoulders. "Well, now it is."

my favorite steve wright,

" i have a map of the united states, it is actual size."

What did the snail say when it hitched a ride on the back of the turtle?

WHEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! :p

Okay, Steve, I'll bite -- which post was removed? I lloked back to February, '06 and couldn't find it (or missed it). Of course, since it apparently took you at least 1.5 years to complain, it might take me that long to fix it (if it needs fixing).

Bob,
Steve wrote about sodomy, if I recall correctly.

What do you get when you cross a sheep with Rosie O'Donnell?

A woolly mammoth. :D

BTW - this is Donald Trump's favorite joke.

Opinions ?
 

Poor Dave....

Dave works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her; she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Davie. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez, Dave, you picked up a real b!tch this time.

Mowing and Beer

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer

and watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she

came over and shouted at me,

"You should be hung!"

I took a drink from my can of Coors Light, wiped the cold foam from

my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly

into the eyes of this nosy a*s neighbor and then calmly replied,

"I am. That's why she cuts the grass."

A woman takes her dog--who's a little long in the tooth--to the vet. "He seems to be having trouble breathing," says the owner.

The doc does a quick exam and announces, "Not to worry, ma'am. At his age, he has too much hair up his nose. I'm going to prescribe a depilatory for him. But be careful, this stuff has to be diluted with water. The pharmacist will give you instructions."

She goes to the pharmacist who says, "Lady, this stuff is powerful. If you're going to use it on your legs, cut it 3 to 1 with water."

She says, "It's not for my legs."

The pharmacist says, "OK. If you're going to put it on your upper lip, cut it 5 to 1 with water."

She says, "Look, mister. It's not for my lip."

"Well, lady. As I said, this is powerful stuff. You have to tell me how you're going to use it!"

She says, "It's for my Schnauzer."


[pause]






"Fine," says the pharmacist. "Then cut it 10 to 1 with water and don't ride a bicycle for two weeks."

Ace in CT

Three gents from Europe are spending holidays in the Caribbean. By chance, they all end up at a poolside bar, and each orders a pint of Guinness. Also by chance, a fly lands in each man's pint.

"Egad!" moans the Brit. "That is disgusting! Barkeep, bring me a fresh pint."

The Irisher picks the fly out of the drink, "Not a bad way to go, little feller." He discards the fly and downs his pint.

The Scotsman also picks his fly carefully out of his pint. Grabbing it by the wing, he says to it, "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!"


Ace in CT

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.


The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly,


"Good morning Alex." "Good morning Pastor, what is this?" he asked the pastor, pointing at the plaque. The pastor said, "Well, son, it's a memorial plaque to all the young men and women who died in the Service."


Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, "Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:45?"

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note
on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his a$s.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late, great J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his a$s.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."

12) The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry"

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yea God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St.Taffy's.

A white guy decides he'd like to vacation in Jamaica.

Walking down a city street in Jamaica, he decides to use a public washroom.

A local uses the urinal next to him and voices how the visitor's penis has "WY" tattooed on it. The local asks why. The visitor tells the local that his girlfriend's name is Wendy.

The visitor notices the local also has WY. He asks if the local's girlfriend's name is also Wendy. The local says, "No, my tattoo says 'Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day'."

I guess this joke is so funny you post it every year (though the Irish reply is better this year):
http://forum.officiating.com/showpos...&postcount=209
:D

A young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an older couple are applying for membership at an exclusive church. After forms, tests, paperwork, and interviews, they are all finalists.

The minister informs them all that one last test remains: they must abstain from sex for a month. Off they go.

After a month, the minister interviews the older couple, asking them how it went. The husband replies, "No problem. We missed it once and a while, but we succeeded." The minister welcomed them to the church.

The middle-aged couple is next. The husband says, "Well, the first week was awfully difficult, but we have our priorities, and we made it." The minister welcomed them to the church.

The younger couple comes in last. The husband says, "That was horrible! How can you ask us to do that? We did fine for the first 2 days, but then my wife bent over for a can of peas, and... well, I just couldn't restrain myself! We did it right then and there!"

The minister is shocked and appalled. He asks them to leave immediately, at which the man says, "Yeah, they threw us out of the grocery store too!"

There was a woman who was very busy and had a hard time getting all her work done, so she decided to clone herself. It worked well for a while, but then she noticed the clone was swearing a lot. Soon, it got to be way too much, so to get rid of her, the woman threw the clone off the roof.

She was arrested for making an obscene clone fall. http://www.runemasterstudios.com/gra...es/roflmao.gif

Almost forgot this one:

Did you hear about the quarterback who thought he was marrying a tight end but wound up with a wide receiver?

http://www.runemasterstudios.com/gra.../smilielol.gif

It Was Already Late Fall And The Indians On A Remote Reservation
Asked Their New Chief If The Coming Winter Was Going To Be Cold Or Mild.

Since He Was A Chief In A Modern Society He Had Never Been Taught
The Old Secrets. When He Looked At The Sky He Couldn't Tell What The
Winter Was Going To Be Like.

Nevertheless, To Be On The Safe Side, He Told His Tribe That The
Winter Was Indeed Going To Be Cold And That The Members Of The Village
Should Collect Firewood To Be Prepared.

But Being A Practical Leader, After Several Days He Got An Idea. He
Went To The Phone Booth, Called The National Weather Service And
Asked, "is The Coming Winter Going To Be Cold?"

"It Looks Like This Winter Is Going To Be Quite Cold," The
Meteorologist At The Weather Service Responded.

So The Chief Went Back To His People And Told Them To Collect Even
More Firewood In Order To Be Prepared.

A Week Later He Called The National Weather Service Again. "Does
It Still Look Like It Is Going To Be A Very Cold Winter?"

"Yes," The Man At National Weather Service Again Replied, "it's Going
To Be A Very Cold Winter."

The Chief Again Went Back To His People And Ordered Them To
Collect Every Scrap Of Firewood They Could Find.

Two Weeks Later The Chief Called The National Weather Service
Again. "are You Absolutely Sure That The Winter Is Going To Be Very
Cold?"

Absolutely," The Man Replied. "it's Looking More and More Like It
Is Going To Be One Of The Coldest Winters We've Ever Seen."

"How Can You Be So Sure?" The Chief Asked.

The Weatherman Replied, "Because the Indians Are Collecting Firewood
Like Crazy."

some blonde jokes)
 

car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back and forth till someone with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over. A blonde rolls down the window and says, " Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!" The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

Q: What do you call a blonde in a Volkswagen?
A: FarFromThinking
Submitted by: Michael Sharp

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an "F" in sex.

A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT".
After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.
On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES".
By the time she drove eight miles, shehad cleaned 43 restrooms.

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is working?
A: Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A: Divorcee'

more on _www.zelo.com/blonde








--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

my dir

1. Did you hear that Mississippi raised the drinking age to 30?

They're trying to keep alcohol out of high school.


2. A recent widow in Arkansas left the lawyer's office all pissed off after the reading of the will. Her husband left her everything, but she can't get it until she turns 14.


3. A stranger walks into a bar in Arkansas. As everyone stops their conversations and stares at him, the batender asks, "Where y'all from stranger?"

"Tennessee," replied the stranger.

"An' whut do ya do in Tennessee?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a taxidermist," replied the stranger.

"An whut 'xactly is a taxeedermist?" asked the bartender.

"Well, I mount animals," replied the stranger.

"It's okay, folks," yelled the bartender to the others, "He's one of us."

Speaking of Mississippi, it's where they invented the toothbrush.

If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called the teethbrush.

Jeff Foxworthy
 

If you've ever been accused of lying through your tooth, you might be a redneck.

One of my favorites. :)

A woman awakes during the night to fiind her husband was not in bed beside her.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".
The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do" she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued... "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have gotten out today."

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.'

************************************************** ************************************************** *

An elderly gentleman...

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

************************************************** ************************************************** *

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

************************************************** ************************************************** *

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

************************************************** ************************************************** *

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

************************************************** ************************************************** *

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember


Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,

The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'
************************************************** ************************************************** *

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

************************************************** ************************************************** *

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

************************************************** ************************************************** *

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

************************************************** ************************************************** *

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

************************************************** ************************************************** *

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

See post #235.

See post #166. ;)

I like that one. :)

Salesman knocks on a door and a 7 year old boy answers with a cigar in one hand and a Budweiser in the other.

Salesman asks, "Is your mother home?"

Kid gives him a look and says, "What the f@%# do you think?'

:eek:

Why don't blondes eat M&M's?





They're too damned hard to peel.........



Tim.

Because every time they go to the store to buy them, all they can find are W&W's

Old reliable
 

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!" A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!" The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused.

A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls." After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"

I just received this story from Walt McCain, a basketball officiating friend of my in North Carolina.


An old country preacher had a teenage son,

and it was getting time the boy should give some thought

to choosing a profession. Like many young men,

the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do,

and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school,

his father decided to try an experiment.
He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table

four objects:


a Bible,

a silver dollar,

a bottle of whisky

and a Playboy magazine

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon,

I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me

and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar,

he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all,

if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."


The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.

He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink

while he admired this month's Centerfold.


"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered,

"he's gonna run for Congress!"


MTD, Sr.

The Pilots One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a
commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show
up so they can get under way. The pilot and co pilot finally appear in
the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the
center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white
cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the
aisle, and the co pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes
covered with huge sunglasses.
At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some
sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start
spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The
passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among
themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for
reassurance.
Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin
panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer
and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and
more hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there
is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at
once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is
airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to
the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going
to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"

If your Dad was Jerry Lewis he would have been riding a bus and have had sex with a parrot. At least that's the way Jerry told it on his Labor Day Marathon a few years ago...........:D

Why do men in Scotland wear kilts?





Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

:eek:

Visual. Enjoy!
http://raisethewflag.blogspot.com/20...uring-lou.html

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...



The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

'So what do you think about that Doc ?'


The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

'I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.'



One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'

'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the e water's edge.



He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.'

'Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.



Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,
'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

The doctor replied , 'My point exactly.'

;)

Pretty lame..........:eek:

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?

"She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?

"She says, He said,'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...':D

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "While cleaning Father Clancy's room this morning, I found a bunch of condoms!"

The second nun said, "I know. I saw them yesterday and poked holes in all of them!"

The third nun fainted.

I can relate!!
 

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
is driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver,
where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course,"
slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.

"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you? " Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"


A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."


" Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week," "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."


A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids".


An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you". The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."


A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..""Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.


Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."


A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling."I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter- word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse."OOPS"

Old Farts Read This....
 

WAIT RIGHT HERE, DONT GO ANYWHERE....
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me" "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

NOTHING BOTHERS ME......
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

WATCH YOUR STEP....
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

LET'S RIDE....
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

SWEATING TO THE OLDIES....
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

CLEAN UP, AISLE 4....
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over WalMart-Mart. "WalMart-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why WalMart-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"

WHAT DID I SAY....
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

I LOVES ME TWINKIES....
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

SWITCH TO DECAF....
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

GO, GO, GO....
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

WHATCH YOU LOOKIN' AT....
THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

baseball fan
 

A baseball fan dies and goes to heaven.
He is met a the Pearly Gates by St. Peter, who welcomes him in.
The baseball fan asks "is there baseball in heaven?"
St. Peter says "yes of course, we play a double header with a team from hell everyday".

The excited fan asks, well you do you have on your team?

St. Peter say's, we have a very good team, and begins to rattle of the likes of Ruth, Gehring, Cobb, Clemente, etc. etc....

The now very excited awe struck fan says, "wow, you must win every game with that line-up"?

St. Peter say's "well no, in fact, we haven't won a game yet."

"What", says the fan, "how can that be"?

Well says St. Peter "they bring the umpires".

Send money
 

A BB scout is out looking at HS pitching prospect. He send the following telegraph/text message, back to the owner: Send more money, can't hit what can't see.

Of course the money is sent and deal is done.

The rookie gets his first assigment, a start against the Yankees.
After a few warm-up tosses, F2 trouts out and welcomes the kid to the bigs.

Then he says okay kid, heres the signs; one finger is a fastball, two fingers is a curve, got it?

The kid nods and echos "one finger fastball, two fingers curve", got it.

First pitch, F2 puts down 1 finger. F1 winds up and uncorks a ball, that goes nearly 1/2 way up the backstop, for ball 1.

F2, thinks "man the kids a little nervous, he'll be okay".
Squats and gives the FB sign again.
Wiind up, uncorked, nearly straight into the 1B dugout, ball two.
Wow, thinks F2, "this kids tighter-n-frogs a--". He then gets a idea, "I'll try the curve ball, maybe the extra concentration needed will give the kid a chance to quit thinking about his new surroundings, calm him down a bit".
He gives the curve ball sign.
The wind up. the kid snaps one off that has Jetter bailing and laying on his a--, "Strike" is the call.
"Ah", thinks F2, "there we go, he's back with us now". So F2 flashes the FB sign again, wind up, uncorked, nearly into the 3rd base dugout, ball.

Finally F2's had it, "time" he says and trots on out to see what's going on.
He says, "kid that was the best damn curve ball I've ever seen, what's the deal with the fast ball?

The kids holds up the ball with two finger across the seams, and says "we'll that 2 finger curveball, I can handle", but, as he switches his grip to the ball now being held between his "thumb and forefinger", that one finger fast ball is tough to control.

Blond joke
 

There was one blond on each side or the river bank....one yelled over to the other and said how do I get on the other river bank? The other blond replied you are!:)

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America;

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .

And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.'


2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'


3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'


4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'


5 She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'


6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'



HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'


2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is ' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'


3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'


4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'


5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ***' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION'


6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE

Great ! lol

I haven't read through all thes jokes, so I apologize if this is a duplicate...

After his game a referee walks into a bar and sits next to 3 other men watching a game on TV. After some small talk the Ref asks the three men if they heard the joke about the ref and the coach. One of the men says "Before you start telling it, you should know that all three of us are coaches. So, are you sure you still want to tell us that joke?" The ref thinks a couple seconds and replies, "Well not if I have to explain it three times!"

Tis the Season!!!!


Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.

The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?' :rolleyes:

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on. She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!!" said the husband, and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude...!

See post #36.

ha ha
 

<a href="http://s171.photobucket.com/albums/u291/allstar_4evr/?action=view&current=umpires.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i171.photobucket.com/albums/u291/allstar_4evr/umpires.jpg" border="0" alt="umpire"></a>I don't understand baseball at all, do you?

You don't have to understand it. Everything is decided by a man they call a vampire.

................religious Umpire................
 

The 10 Commandments of Umpiring
by Ford C. Frick (1949)

# Commandment:) :D

1 Keep your eye on the ball.

2 Keep all your personalities out of your work. Forget and forgive.

3 Avoid sarcasm. Don't insist on the last word.

4 Never charge a player and, above all, no pointing your finger or yelling.

5 Hear only the things you should hear - be deaf to others.

6 Keep your temper. A decision made in anger is never sound.

7 Watch your language.

8 Take pride in your work at all times. Remember, respect for an umpire is created off the field as well as on.

9 Review your work. You will find, if you are honest, that 90% of the trouble is traceable to loafing.

10 No matter what your opinion of another umpire, never make an adverse comment regarding him. To do so is despicable and ungentlemanly.

The 10 Commandments of Umpiring by Ford C. Frick
<a href="http://s255.photobucket.com/albums/hh154/dan281/?action=view&current=baseball.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i255.photobucket.com/albums/hh154/dan281/baseball.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a>

Various Degrees Of 'out' And The Corresponding Effect On The Behaviour...............
 

<a href="http://s92.photobucket.com/albums/l10/ciazio/?action=view&current=softballumps.gif" target="_blank"><img src="http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l10/ciazio/softballumps.gif" border="0" alt="softball umpire"></a>

:eek:

Running Joke ...
 

Two hikers on a trail came around the bend to find an enormous brown bear about 75 yards up the trail. The bear spies them and begins running toward them at a full gallop. One hiker drops his backpack, sits down, throws off his boots, and starts lacing up a pair of running shoes. The other hiker says: "What are you doing? You will never outrun that bear!". The first hiker replies: "I don't have to outrun the bear. I just have to outrun you."

Ha! <i>

Thanks
 

This is the only running joke that I knew before I went to the internet to find more.

So we're supposed to read nearly 300 posts to avoid repeating a joke????????:rolleyes:

Don't sweat it.
Romano's was about an Israeli couple. :)

No, I just thought it was funny that the joke by meaningless was his first post, and it was a repeat joke.

Who's your best friend?

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is happier to see you?

Take my wife, Please!
A man robs a bank and takes hostages. He asks the first hostage if he saw him rob the bank.

Hostage answers, "Yes."

The man shoots the hostage.

The man asks the second hostage if he, too, saw him rob the bank.

The second hostage says, "No, but my wife did."

Transferred from the basketball forum:

In the lifers' section of the prison, all the inmates had been there for years. One night after lights-out, one of the prisoners yelled out "22!" There was some quiet chuckling in various cells. Then a different voice yelled out, "54!" Again, there was some laughter in the darkness.

One inmate, who had only been in this prison for a couple months, asked his cellmate, "What's with the numbers?" His cellmate said, "We been here so long, we've heard each others' jokes 1,000 times. So instead of telling the whole joke, they just say the number of the joke, and the other guys remember it."

Just then, another voice in the darkness yelled out, "317!" There was silence for a second, and then the cell block erupted with laughter.

The new inmate again turned to his cellmate: "What was that all about?" His cellmate answered, "We'd never heard that one before!"