JOKES!!!

[Jurassic Referee]

Originally posted by ChuckElias

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Apparantly, my humor plug-in hasn't been working over the last couple days. I don't get the bricklayer joke and the only thing I can think of in the dog's mouth is the cigar, which doesn't strike me as funny.

Nope,the dog had a brick in his mouth!!

Bwahahahaha....

[bob jenkins]

Originally posted by ChuckElias
I was hoping some other schlub would admit to being mystified so I wouldn't look so stoopid. Oh well, bring on the "I'm with stupid" gifs. . .

Chuck

I can't believe that you hadn't heard that one.

Here's my contribution:

A farmer has three daughters, all getting ready to go out on a date (well, different dates) one Friday evening. The farmer, as is his wont (yes, that's a word), gathers his shotgun and stands by the front door, ready to greet the young gentlemen.

Soon, the doorbell rings. The farmer opens the door and the young gentleman says, "Hi. My name is Freddy. I'm here for Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. Is she ready?"

The farmer looks the well-dressed caller over, and nods his assent. The happy couple drives away.

After a few minutes, the doorbell rings again.

"Hello, my name is Joe. I'm here for Flo. We've got tickets to the show. Can she go?"

Again, the farmer gives his blessing, and the couple heads off.

The farmer has no sooner shut the door when the doorbell rings for the third time.

"Hello, my name is Chuck. ..."

BANG, the farmer shoots him.

[Andy]

A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Mexican, and an American went skydiving.

The plane reaches 10,000 feet, the frenchman yells "Vive la France!" and jumps out.

The plane reaches 20,000 feet, the englishman yells "Long live the Queen!" and jumps out.

The plane reaches 50,000 feet, the american yells "Remember the Alamo!" and pushes the mexican out!

[A Pennsylvania Coach]

Originally posted by Jurassic Referee

Nope,the dog had a brick in his mouth!!

Bwahahahaha....

We use these jokes to get our freshmen every year on a long bus ride. We'll start telling jokes, and you can see the upperclassmen's eyes light up. I'll tell the bricklayer joke and everyone will laugh hysterically like it's the funniest joke in the history of the world. The freshmen will have dumb looks on their faces, and the upperclassmen tease them because they don't get it, or convince them that it's funny. Invariably, at least one will say something like "Oh, oh yeah, yeah, I get that one. That's really funny." That makes everyone laugh harder because it's not funny at all. Then we'll tell a couple other jokes, and I'll come back with the dog/cigar joke and as soon as one of the freshmen says "a cigar?" all the upperclassmen shout, "No, a brick!"

I can't believe you guys would rather officiate than coach. You don't get moments like this.

[Mark Padgett]

Two dobermans were at the vet. One asks the other (yes, you have to buy the premise that they can talk to each other) why he's there. The other one says, "Well, it's a pretty sad story, really. I'm here to get put down. This is my last day on earth." "Jeez" says the first dog. "What did you do to deserve that?"

"Well, yesterday my master left me alone in the house for the first time ever. Hey - I'm a doberman. I ripped up the drapes, I peed on the rug, I tore up the carpet, I knocked over the stereo equipment, I got into the refrigerator and the garbage and ate all the food. My master came home, took one look and said he 'had it' with me and that he was going to bring me in here today and have me put to sleep. So - what's your story?"

The other dog says, "I have kind of a similar story. I live with this female. I guess you'd call her my mistress. And - I must admit - for a human, she's not bad looking. Not only that, she goes around the house all day stark naked. Yesterday, she was down on her hands and knees, naked as usual, scrubbing the kitchen floor. What can I say - I'm a doberman, too. I jumped her!"

"Wow" said the other dog. "So....you're here to get put down, too?"

"No" says the first dog. "Just getting my nails clipped."

[ROMANO]

An old woman saved a fairy's life. To repay this, the fairy promised to grant the old woman three wishes. For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Poof! She became young and beautiful.

For the second wish, the old lady asked to be the richest woman in the world. Poof! She was the richest woman in the world.

For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been her best friend for so many ears. Poof!

The fairy turned the cat into the most handsome man on earth. The old lady and the fairy said their goodbyes.

After the fairy left, the handsome man strolled over to here and asked: "Now aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"..say something mark

[Edited by ROMANO on May 2nd, 2003 at 12:44 PM]

[ChuckElias]

Originally posted by bob jenkins
I can't believe that you hadn't heard that one.

I never did. And now that I finally get it, it still doesn't really tickle my funny bone. I guess it's not so much of a joke as a "gotcha" moment.

"Hello, my name is Chuck. ..."

BANG, the farmer shoots him.

Now that's funny! But I can't figure out who he was there to see. . .

Chuck [BANG!]

[A Pennsylvania Coach]

Originally posted by ChuckElias
[quote}"Hello, my name is Chuck. ..."

BANG, the farmer shoots him.

Now that's funny! But I can't figure out who he was there to see. . .

Chuck [BANG!] [/QUOTE]

Asian girl. She's adopted.

[mick]

A farmer had three beautiful daughters.

One day a soldier came walking up the driveway, the farmer knewof the Army's reputation and yelled to his wife, "Wife, wife, ...go get the girls and bring 'em into the house!"

The next day, a sailor came walking up the driveway, the farmer knew of the Navy's reputation and yelled to his wife, "Wife, wife, ...go get the girls and bring 'em into the house!"

The next day, a coach came walking up the driveway, the farmer knew of coaches' reputations and yelled to his wife, "Wife, wife, ...go get the girls and bring 'em into the house, ...bring the cow, too!"

[ChuckElias]

Here's a few that were sent to me by a camp buddy:

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll
serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was assalted.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of
home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad
Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see
you're nuts."

[ChuckElias]

Originally posted by A Pennsylvania Coach
Asian girl. She's adopted.

As Stephen Wright might say:

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one
of them. It's either my mum or my dad... or
maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother
Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

[Mark Padgett]

A guy walks into his doctor's office. He has a carrot stuck up his nose, a broccoli spear sticking out of one ear and a cucumber sticking out of the other. He tells the doctor he isn't feeling well.

The doctor replies, "I see your problem. You're not eating properly."




Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny.




A guy goes to work and as he enters his building, the doorman tells him he looks bad. He tells the doorman that he can't understand that because he feels good. He then enters his office and his secretary tells him he looks bad. He tells her he feels good, however.

The day goes on and everyone he meets tells him he looks bad. He is very confused because he feels good. Finally, so many people tell him he looks bad that he decides he'd better go to the doctor.

He tells the doctor that everyone tells him he looks bad but that he feels good. The doctor says he will look this up in his medical book.

The doctor turns the pages and says "Hmmmmm, looks bad, feels bad - no, that's not it - hmmmmm, looks good, feels good - no, that's not it - hmmmmm, looks good, feels bad - no, that's not it either - wait, here it is - looks bad, feels good. Here's your problem. You're a vagina."

[ROMANO]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of Europe, rather than German, which was the other possibilty. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish":

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with " f ". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with"z" and "w" with "y". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaing "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leteres. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no more trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!!!! (Und zen ve vil take over ze vorld!!!!!)

[ROMANO]

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man says, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."

Bartender: "Yeah! Sure…go ahead."

Man asks the dog, "What covers a house?" Dog says, "Roof!"

Man asks the dog, "How does sandpaper feel?" Dog says, "Rough!"

Man asks the dog, "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?" Dog says, "Ruth!"

Man says to the bartender, "Pay up. I told you he could talk."

Bartender throws both of them out the door.

Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the man and says, "Should I have said Gehrig, then?"

[ChuckElias]

Originally posted by ROMANO
Man asks the dog, "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?" Dog says, "Ruth!"

Hmmmmm, sounds familiar. . .