Howler Monkey language

[Mark Padgett]

Since I am the universally recognized expert on the Howler Monkey language, I thought I'd post some of the more common translated phrases.

I've posted this before, but I thought you guys might get a kick out of it with the season coming up, plus we have some newbies who've never seen it. For those of you unfamiliar with the term "Howler Monkey", it's the term for those who used to be known as "coaches", a term which is quite archaic.

In the lines below, the Howler Monkey phrase is designated as "HM", with the English translation shown as "E". Feel free to contribute with any others you know.

HM: call it both ways
E: call it my way

HM: you suck ref
E: my vocabulary has not progressed since the fifth grade, so I will use a term that truly reflects my maturity level to insult you

HM: the foul count is 8 to 2
E: instead of admitting I have no clue how to teach proper defense, I will blame you so my A.D. won't fire me

HM: that's over the back (also see: that's a reach, etc.)
E: I will now try to impress my supporters with my vast knowledge of the rules by making some comments I once heard while listening to Billy Packer on television

HM: that's the worst officiated game I ever saw
E: boy, my coaching sucked tonight but you'll never get me to admit it

HM: great job, ref
E: I have you again next week and I'm sucking up

HM: that's terrible
E: I have heard that phrasing a comment in this manner might be taken by you as not being a personal comment, so I think I can get away with saying it this way and not get a technical

HM: you're terrible
E: since you are smart enough not to make a distinction between "that's terrible" and "you're terrible" and you gave me a technical for yelling "that's terrible", this time I figure I might as well get my money's worth

HM: how can you call that
E: I have no idea what you called or why since I've never opened a rule book - all I know is the call went against my team and I had to say something

HM: watch number 5 on the other team - he's holding my guys all night
E: none of my guys are quick enough to get around number 5

HM: you'll never work in this gym again
E: you called a great game but we lost and there's no way I'm going to let anyone blame me

[Amesman]

HM (to his players on the court): C'mon guys, play through it -- you know we're never going to get a call.
E: You're not that good and I'm certainly not a good enough to figure out how to make you competitive, but don't let your parents and my boss in the stands catch on.

[Bad Zebra]

HM: It's 8 against 5 out there.
E: I'm so inept at coaching and lacking in self-confidence that the best I can do to motivate my team is to try to pit us against the world. Oh yeah, I'm not very original either.

[zm1283]

Originally Posted by Mark Padgett

HM: you'll never work in this gym again
E: you called a great game but we lost and there's no way I'm going to let anyone blame me

I can't wait for a Howler Monkey to say this to me. I've already got my reply ready.

"That's okay, there are plenty of others to work in"

[CoachP]

My first year coaching JV boys. I waited till half time when the official was initialing the halftime score in the official book at a rival gym.

I asked the clock operator (with the official standing right there):


"WOW! 25-4, how does your scoreboard work, is that the score or team fouls up there?"

[Mark Padgett]

Originally Posted by CoachP

My first year coaching JV boys. I waited till half time when the official was initialing the halftime score in the official book at a rival gym.

I asked the clock operator (with the official standing right there):


"WOW! 25-4, how does your scoreboard work, is that the score or team fouls up there?"

And did your team have 4 points or 25 fouls?

[LDUB]

Originally Posted by CoachP

My first year coaching JV boys. I waited till half time when the official was initialing the halftime score in the official book at a rival gym.

Initialing the halftime score

[CoachP]

Originally Posted by LDUB

Initialing the halftime score

Something they did in that area maybe??? ..They would initial/verify the 2 books and scoreboard matched. This was early 90's.

But,last time I've seen a referee write in a book waas when I had a girls JV gamed rained out with a minute and a half to go. (Documented the situation for the resumation)

Originally Posted by CoachP

But,last time I've seen a referee write in a book waas when I had a girls JV gamed rained out with a minute and a half to go. (Documented the situation for the resumation)

Is there a story behind this?

[CoachP]

Originally Posted by Ref Ump Welsch

Is there a story behind this?

Ha..yeah..I thought I told the story before...maybe on Mcgriffs.

We were having a huge rainstorm and this gym had just been re roofed , tarred, whatever.

Anyhow, a girl slipped and fell. Game mgt came out and wiped, assuming it was sweat from a held ball. (One of thirty held balls in girls jv per quarter). Then it happened again and that's when we realized the roof was leaking.

We had a brief rain delay until the officials and game mgt decided to postpone the game and also reschedule the following varsity game.

The score was tied and we were scheduled for a 1-1 with ~1:30 to go in the 4th quarter. Knowing that the same officials may not be at the resumption, they documented the time on clock, who was at the line, the score, team fouls, etc. so both the books could not be doctored.

After a 2 week rain delay, my girl made both FT's and the other team made a long inbound pass to tie it back up less than 3 seconds later.....

We did win by 2.

[Mark T. DeNucci, Sr.]

Originally Posted by CoachP

Ha..yeah..I thought I told the story before...maybe on Mcgriffs.

We were having a huge rainstorm and this gym had just been re roofed , tarred, whatever.

Anyhow, a girl slipped and fell. Game mgt came out and wiped, assuming it was sweat from a held ball. (One of thirty held balls in girls jv per quarter). Then it happened again and that's when we realized the roof was leaking.

We had a brief rain delay until the officials and game mgt decided to postpone the game and also reschedule the following varsity game.

The score was tied and we were scheduled for a 1-1 with ~1:30 to go in the 4th quarter. Knowing that the same officials may not be at the resumption, they documented the time on clock, who was at the line, the score, team fouls, etc. so both the books could not be doctored.

After a 2 week rain delay, my girl made both FT's and the other team made a long inbound pass to tie it back up less than 3 seconds later.....

We did win by 2.

CoachP:

And where in Michigan was this game and was this before the knucklehead U.S. judge in Cincinnati made the MichiganHSAA girls play basketball in the Winter?

MTD, Sr.

[Mregor]

Originally Posted by Mark Padgett

HM: you'll never work in this gym again
E: you called a great game but we lost and there's no way I'm going to let anyone blame me

The correct response to this would be:

That's the first time you've been right tonight.

Mregor

[CoachP]

Originally Posted by Mark T. DeNucci, Sr.

CoachP:

And where in Michigan was this game and was this before the knucklehead U.S. judge in Cincinnati made the MichiganHSAA girls play basketball in the Winter?

MTD, Sr.

Yes..it was when we were still playing in the Fall. The funny part was, the girls indoor basketball games got rained out, so they went outside to watch the boys soccer game.

...and don't get me started on that judge.

[derwil]

I had a similar situation in a boys varsity game two years ago. The Ref. pulled both coaches together and talks for a second then put a folded towel on the floor. We played the whole game with that stupid towel at midcourt...neither team really tried to take advantige of it either. I was glad to get outathere without a lawsuit on my hands.

[derwil]

Oh andf my contribution would be my tag line:

HM: "If it's a foul on that end, IT'S GOTTA BE A FOUL ON THIS END!!!!!"
E: I don't have a clue but the parent's really like it when I yell - Let's try this......