Act of God

[JCrow]

Officiating in D.C. was a blast. Most people don't know about the secret Government League. Congress, the Senate, the Supreme Court and the Executive Branch all have Teams. The games are played in the subterrain gym under the White House.

Due to my CIA Work, I was the only Ref with a Security Clearance high enough to blow these games.

The Supreme Court Team use to get killed all the time. They only had 9 Players. The Senate, Congress and the Executive Branch were stacked. One night, Bush Senior asked my advice on how to improve the parity. (Al Gore had spent the night posting up Ruth Bader Ginsburg - I think he had 42 points and 29 rebounds.)

I took Bush aside and said,

"Listen, I told this to Adolph Rupp after Texas Western creamed Kentucky in '65. #1, lose the Adolph - it reminds eveybody of Hitler. And #2, lighten up on the racism and get some brothers on the Team or Kentucky won't be able to beat Slippery Rock College in 5 years."

Rupp was deservingly fired before he could take my advice. However, Bush Sr. acted immediately. BANG! Clarence Thomas is nominated to the Supreme Court. A lot of people watched his Nomination Hearings and figured that the Senate was worried about his Conservatism. Baloney! They were just trying to dump him because he's a damn fine point guard and Ted Kennedy was worried that his bad "D" would finally be exposed.

It makes me feel good that my reffing played a big part in effecting some Racial Justice in this country. And, if you think I'm lying...just ask anybody on the Warren Commission. You think they could "SELL" the Single Bullet Call without some help from a top basketball official?

[bob jenkins]

Originally posted by JCrow
Al Gore had spent the night posting up Ruth Bader Ginsburg

TMI!

[WhistlesAndStripes]

Originally posted by JCrow
... to blow these games.

This must have been during the Clinton adminstration.

[deecee]

for any publication -- and how damn old are you?

is this jerry seinfeld?

[Mark Padgett]

Originally posted by Dan_ref
Was this on a cruise ship? If so, were you passing over the international dateline?

Aw, you remembered. I'm honored.

[rainmaker]

Originally posted by deecee
for any publication -- and how damn old are you?

is this jerry seinfeld?

Now, I know YOU are joking, deecee. No way this stuff is as funny as Jerry Seinfeld. And that's not saying much.

[Dan_ref]

Hey JCrow, I have some questions for you. OK?

Here's the first:

You Polish?

[JCrow]

I would be proud to be Polish but I'm not sure what nationality I am? I've felt a special affinity for the land of Poland since 1981 when I edited James Michener's great historal novel, "Poland". Of course, I might be Italian because I love Italian food. Or, I might be Irish because when a good fiddler plays "King of the Fairies"....I break out in goose flesh.

Here's my story.....in the late 40's, Abner and Mabel Crow discovered a newborn baby on their door step. Abner and Mabel had a hog farm on Rt. 66 in Carthage, Mo. just outside of Joplin. When I was about 3, Abner gave me a tin whistle to play with. Abner was on the great Kansas Team of 1939....I found his old Rule Book in the Barn. I learned how to read fom his Rule Book. When I started first grade the teacher would lead the class,

"See Dick. See Jane. See Dick and Jane run....."

I'd say,

"Looks to me like Dick picked up his darn pivot foot."

That year, I painted numbers on all our pigs. Every morning I'd yell "Sooooo-eeeee" and the pigs would charge to the trough for some whey. I'd blow my tin whistle and call the blocks and charges.

One day when I was about 8, a flashy sports car stopped on Rt. 66. A very tall young black man emereged after watching me and the pigs. He said,

"Kid....I was born to play above the rim and you were born to BLOW that whistle. Don't let anybody every discourage you because you could be the BEST ref ever!"

He zoomed away. Years later, I realized that it was Wilt Chamberlain making one of his legendary 24-hour drives from the East Coast to the West Coast via old Rt. 66.

Wilt's gone now. The Big Dipper is in heaven and only he and I knew that story before today.

[Jurassic Referee]

Originally posted by JCrow
When I was about 3, Abner gave me a tin whistle to play with.

You were lucky to be born rich.

If I hadn't have been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with when I was a kid.

[JRutledge]

Originally posted by rainmaker

Now, I know YOU are joking, deecee. No way this stuff is as funny as Jerry Seinfeld. And that's not saying much.

Jerry Seinfeld is funny?

Peace

[JCrow]

Rich? Ha! Took me a few years to get rich. I was at Harvard doing research work in '78. I had developed a New Theory of Quantum Mechanics that used basketballs to represent sub-atomic particles.

To relax, I use to shoot hoops late at night in the Crimson Gym. Every night this geeky kid would be shooting at the other end of the court. He couldn't shoot worth a lick but he was a decent guy.....a bit shy.

One night after I beat him 21-3 in a game of 3-2-1, he tells he that he's invented a great new computer language but he can't think of a name for the product?

I say,

"Well, I won the first game...let's go for "DOS" and then go out and meet some girls.

He says,

"DOS! Disk Operating System! That's it."

By now you may have guessed that the kid was Bill Gates. He was so grateful that he gave me 12% of MicroSoft.

I haven't had to sell any of the stock, yet. It's somewhere in the bottom of my old Gym Bag. I did made a killing writing those "MS Word, Excel, etc. for Idiots" books.

[deecee]

seriously you should be given your own column on this forum cuz you are one funny SOB.

your stories make no sense but they are great keep it up.

[canuckrefguy]

Originally posted by JCrow
What would YOU do?

I'd lay off the hot wings and beer just before bedtime.

Funny!

[rainmaker]

Originally posted by deecee
seriously you should be given your own column on this forum cuz you are one funny SOB.

your stories make no sense but they are great keep it up.

maybe over to the General Discussion Board?

[JCrow]

I know sometimes I get pretty windy. I'm so grateful I've had such a great life and met so many wonderful people. I never forget.....if it wasn't for Basketball, I might have ended up as a failure. Basketball touches so many lives and the stories seldom get told.....

It's 1966.....my lost years. I'm living in a tent on Venice Beach. I'm wasting my life.....reffing Beach Rec League Games for chump change and chasing California Girls until my feet hurt.

One night, a couple of the girls and I were sitting in front of my tent reading my new copy of the Official's Manual by the fire light. I see this sadsack Ivy-League kid walking by.....I could tell he was down so I yell,

"Hey, pardner! C'mon over...we got some extra Bali Hi."

He comes over. I tell him to take off the bow tie. Pretty soon he spills his story. He's got a chance to get into Rock Band with some dymamite musicians. All he's got to do is write some lyrics.

I say, "So let's hear what you got."

The kid pulls out a sheet of paper and croons,

"Why do you build me up,

B-u-t-t-e-r-c-u-p, baby.

Just to let me down....."

"Stop! Stop it!", I screamed.

"Kid....I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Mahatma Ghandi....you don't get nowhere sitting down. You wanna be the Leader of a Rock Band? God gives us all a PURPOSE in life. Rock Musicians are put on earth to be one thing....BAD EXAMPLES! That gives Basketball Coaches somebody to point to when they tell their kids.....don't be like that freak! First, I need to see more chest hair...and get some leather pants."

The kid nodded in appreciation.

Then we went to work on some lyrics.

I said, "Kid...I'm going to say a line...then you say the first thing that pops into your head....NO THINKING....just the first thing that flashes in your brain.....OK?"

ME: "The time to hestitate is through."

Kid: "No time to wallow in the.....err, aaah..

ME: "Mire! .....Try now we can only lose."

Kid:" And our love becomes a funeral pyre."

Me: "C'mon baby, LIGHT MY FIRE!"

I just wish I had known that Jim couldn't handle his booze well or I never would have given him that darn first cup of Bali Hi. He took my advice and did his damnest to set a bad example for the rest of us. God bless him.