JOKES!!!

[PGCougar]

Q: What's the difference between a Jewish American Princess and an Italian American Princess?

A: One has fake jewelry and real orgasms...

[rainmaker]

Originally posted by canuckrefguy
You don't even need the word "Jewish" in there...

I know -- my mother-in-law isn't even remotely Jewish, and this sounds way too healthy for her! But don't get me started. Actually, this brings to mind another category --

The Mother-In-Law Joke!!

Here's my husband's favorite in this category (and it's true -- my mother really said this...)

"When counselling was recommended to my mother-in-law, she replied, "Well, I did used to worry about denial, but it's not a problem any more!"

Now you all know why I am the way I am... and that's NOT part of the joke!

[NICK]

An old man was sitting on a park bench at the Mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colours: Green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring. The young man finally said very sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk one time in Hong Kong & had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.............

Airline Courtesy
The United Airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well dressed, rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pity-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, *****."

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink.
Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons! looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says... (wait for it)
(it's coming)
(Ya ready?)
(don't hate me)
(take a deep breath) "He should have quit while he was a head!"

[ROMANO]

Originally posted by canuckrefguy
You don't even need the word "Jewish" in there...

canuckrefguy you are a big anti-Semitic!!...
hi it was a joke..just kiddinig..we can joke about anything..
In a small country pub, all the patrons became quite used to the pub owner's little dog being around the bar, so were quite upset when one day the little dog died. Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little dog. The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up behind the bar to remind everyone of the little dog's wagging tail.

The little dog went up to heaven and was about to run through the pearly gates when he was stopped by Saint Peter, who questioned the little dog as to where he was going. The little dog said "I have been a good dog - so I am going into heaven where I belong!". Saint Peter replied "Heaven is a place of perfection, you can not come into heaven without a tail, where is your tail?"

The little dog explained the what had happened back on earth. Saint Peter told the little dog to go back down to earth and retrieve his tail. The little dog protested that it was now the middle of the night on earth, but Saint Peter would not change his mind.

So the little dog went back down to earth and scratched on the door of the pub until the bartender who lived upstairs came down and opened the door.

"My goodness, it is the spirit of the little dog. What can I do for you?" said the bartender. The little dog explained that he wasn't allowed into heaven without his tail, and he needed it back. The bartender replied "I would really like to help you, but my liquor license doesn't allow me to retail spirits after hours!"

########################################
A man follows a woman out of a movie theater. She has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find it unusual?"

"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual! He hated the book!"

********************************************
and the last one about cat..
A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing.

As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.

At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that damn cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"

[Mark Padgett]

Originally posted by ROMANO

"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual! He hated the book!"

Here's a similar one:

Two goats were standing in a junkyard eating all the junk. One of the goats ate a round, metal can containing movie film. The other goat asked him how he liked it. The first goat replied, "I liked the book better".

[Mark Padgett]

Little Jenny walked into the kitchen one day and looked up at her mother, who was busy cooking dinner. "Mommy, how old are you?" she asked.

"Now dear," said her mother, "You should never ask a woman what her age is." "Why not?" demanded Jenny. "Because it isn't polite. You'll understand better when you grow up."

Jenny thought about it for a moment, then piped up, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

"Jenny," said her mother, "That's not a question you ask people." "Why not?" "Because it's not polite to ask grown-ups about how much they weigh. You'll understand some day."

"Mommy," Jenny asked, "Why did you and Daddy get divorced?" "Darling," her mother replied with a sigh, "That's something that's still very painful for Mommy, and I really can't talk about it now. I'll explain when you are a little older."

The next day, Jenny told a friend at school about the conversation with her mother. The other little girl explained to her, "All you have to do is get a look at your mom's driver's license. It has all the information about any grown-up you want on it."

So little Jenny sneaked a peek in her mother's purse when she got home, and looked over her license, examining it carefully. That evening, she went back into the kitchen and announced, "I know how old you are, Mommy, You are 36!"
Her mother looked down at her, surprised.

"And I know how much you weigh!" said Jenny. "You weigh 135 pounds." "Jenny, where did you learn this?", her mother asked.

Jenny just smiled and continued, "And, I know why you and Daddy got a divorce." Her mother just gasped and asked, "Why?" Jenny replied, "Because you got an F in sex!"




While trying to escape from Baghdad, Saddam found a bottle in the desert and picked it up.

Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle, smiled and said, "Master, I am here to grant you one wish!"

"You ignorant unworthy daughter of a dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything!" barked Saddam.

The genie frowned and said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever." Saddam thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the inferior woman.

"Very well," he said. "I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you!" The genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning Saddam woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he didn't have any health insurance!




One dark night, there was a bad thunderstorm. Little Johnny got scared and decided to go into his parent's bedroom. He looked in and saw the sheets going up and down, up and down.

"Daddy, Mommy - what are you doing?" he asked.

His embarrassed Dad replied, "Uh, we're playing canasta. Now go back to bed."

"Oh, OK" Johnny replied, and he returned to bed. After a few minutes, his dad started to get worried that maybe Johnny got the wrong impression, so he goes into Johnny's room to talk with him.

As he enters the room, he sees little Johnny's sheets going up and down, up and down.

"Johnny - what are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm playing canasta" little Johnny answers.

His dad says, "But you need two people to play canasta."

Little Johnny replies, "Not if you have a good hand."

[PGCougar]

Heaven: An English home, a Chinese cook, an American salary, and a Japanese wife.

Hell: A Japanese home, an English cook, a Chinese salary, and an American Wife.

[Edited by PGCougar on May 1st, 2003 at 11:43 AM]

[A Pennsylvania Coach]

Originally posted by mick

PA Coach bell is still psychist.

What does psychist or Psykist mean?

[Mark Padgett]

Originally posted by A Pennsylvania Coach

What does psychist or Psykist mean?

I could tell you - but then I'd have to toss you.

[Andy]

A man goes into the local whorehouse and tells the madam that he wants to try something different. The madam says that she has just the thing for him.

She takes him through a series of turning hallways and opens a door to a room. The only thing in the room is a live chicken on the bed.

The man says "Whoa, I didn't mean anything that different!"

The madam convinvces him to try it by offering the chicken to him at no charge.

About an hour later, he emerges from the room covered with feathers and tells the madam that it was the best time he has ever had. He says that he will be back soon!

About a week later, he returns and asks for the chicken again. The madam says that the chicken is not available, but she has something even better. He eagerly accepts. She escorts him to a room with about ten seats in front of a window. There are a few other men in the room. After a few minutes, the lights go on behind the window and a gorgeous couple are having wild sex.

After a few minutes, the man leans over to the guy next to him and says "This is pretty good, huh?"

The guy replies "This is nothing, you should have been here last week. They had some guy screwing a chicken!"

[mick]

Originally posted by A Pennsylvania Coach

What does psychist or Psykist mean?

Psychist is sickest with apparent psychological abnormalities.

[rainmaker]

Originally posted by mick

Psychist is sickest with apparent psychological abnormalities.

I think Andy's latest gets the gold star in this category, don't you?

[ChuckElias]

Originally posted by ROMANO
In a small country pub, all the patrons became quite used to the pub owner's little dog

Ok, I've shared a rope-in-a-bar joke and a mushroom-in-a-bar joke, so here's my dog-in-a-bar joke.

Guy walks into a bar with his dog. The guy says to the barkeep, "Will you give me a free drink if I can prove that my dog can talk?"

Intrigued, but unimpressed, the bartender says, "Sure, let's hear it."

The guy turns to the dog and says, "If I don't shave in the morning, how does my face feel?"

The dog says, "Rrrrrrrruff!"

The guy looks up triumphantly, but the bartender clearly isn't buying it.

So he asks the dog, "What covers the top of a building?"

The dog says, "Rrrrroof!"

The bartender is simply shaking his head, so the guy asks the dog, "Who was the greatest baseball player ever?"

The dog says, "Rrruth!"

The bartender has finally had enough and tells the guy to get lost. The guy gets up and he and the dog leave the bar. Walking down the sidewalk, the guy says to no one in particular, "I coulda used that drink, too."

"Sorry," says the dog. "I should've said Dimaggio."

[A Pennsylvania Coach]

Okay, I'll give this another try.

So there is this bricklayer. And he is the best bricklayer in the world. Not only is he good, but he can just look at a job and predict exactly how many bricks he will need to complete it. For example, if he says 80,503 bricks, he is exactly right.

So one day he gets a job, and looks at it, and says, "Bring me 120,000 bricks."

He starts working and a couple of days later, he is wrapping things up. He finishes the job, and lo and behold, there is one brick left over.

Horrified, the bricklayer picks up the brick and flings it up into the air as hard as he can.

How'd I do? A little less psykist? Funny?

[mick]

Originally posted by A Pennsylvania Coach
Okay, I'll give this another try.

So there is this bricklayer....