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Wed Apr 30, 2003, 01:23am
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and here's one for David........
A man wanted to get a new dog, so he went down to the pet store. He found a dog he liked the looks of, and the pet store owner told him that this was a nice Jewish dog, and his name was Irving, and he'd make a very good pet.
The guy thought that sounded great so he bought Irving and took him home. After a few days of teaching Irving tricks, he wanted to show him off to his friends, so he invited his neighbor over to see. He called Irving into the house, bragging about what a smart dog he is. The dog quickly came running and stood looking up at his master, tail wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation. Pointing at the newspaper lying by the door, he commanded, "Okay, Irving, Fetch!" Immediately, the dog climbed up on to the couch and sat there, his tail wagging furiously. Then all of a sudden, he stopped, his doggy smile changing to an expression of annoyance. Looking up at his master, Irving opened his mouth and whined, "You think this is easy, wagging my tail all the time? Oy, this constant wagging of the tail puts me in such pain, you should only know! And you think it's easy eating that dreck you call dog food. It gives me gas! And the runs, but what do you care? Why don't you try it if you think it's so good? You try it. Dreck I say! Then you push me out the door to take care of my business in the filthy yard. It's disgusting I tell you! When was the last time you took me for a nice long walk? I can't remember when!" The neighbor's jaw dropped, as he sat there staring stunned at the dog. "I can't believe it!" he said. "Your dog is sitting on the couch talking to us!" "I know, I know." sighed the owner. "He's not trained very well yet. He thought I said, 'Kvetch'!"
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Yom HaShoah |
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Wed Apr 30, 2003, 01:43am
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The pope dies of old age and finds himself at the gates of Heaven at 0300. He knocks on the gate and a very sleepy-eyed Navy master chief opens the gate and asks, "Wadda ya
want?" "I'm the recently deceased pope and have done 63 years of godly works and thought I should check in here." The watchman checks his clipboard and says, "I ain't got no orders for you here,just bring your stuff and we'll sort this out in the morning. " They go to an old World War II receiving barracks, third deck, open squad bay. All the bottom racks are taken and all emptylockers have no doors. The pope stows his gear under a rackand climbs into an upper bunk. The next morning he awakens to sounds of cheering and clapping. He goes to the window and sees a flashy Jaguar convertible parading down the clouds from the golden headquarters building. The cloud walks are lined with saints and angels cheering and tossing confetti. In the back seat of the Jaguar sits a Marine sergeant major in dress blues, his gold parachute wings glistening on his chest, a cigar in his mouth, a bottle of San Miguel in one hand, and his other arm around a voluptuous blonde angel with a pair of magnificent halos. This disturbs the pope and he runs downstairs to the master-at-arms shack and says, "Hey, what gives? You put me, the pope with 63 years of godly deeds, in an open squad bay barracks, while this Marine -- who must've committed every sin known and unknown to man -- is staying in a mansion on the hill and getting a hero's welcome. How can this be? The master at arms calmly looks up and says, "We get a pope up here every 10 or 20 years, but we ain't never had a Marine sergeant major before. Bob |
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Wed Apr 30, 2003, 05:38am
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Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver." After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?" An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!" Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage'book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'. 'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?". Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm. Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."
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Your reputation precedes you |
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Wed Apr 30, 2003, 11:14am
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OK - here's my Pope joke and no, it's not offensive
Colonel Sanders gets an audience with the Pope. He asks the Pope if he can change the words "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily chicken". Of course, the Pope says no. Colonel Sanders says that if the Pope makes the change, he will donate $100,000,000 to the church.
"Think of all the good you can do with all that money", he tells the Pope. "You can feed poor people, provide medical care to the sick, enrich people's lives all over the world." The Pope thinks about it for a minute and tells Colonel Sanders that he has a deal. He will change "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily chicken". The Pope then convenes the college of Cardinals to tell them what he's done. The Pope says, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that the church is receiving a donation of $100,000,000!" The cardinals all express their excitement and joy. The Pope continues, "The bad news is - we're losing the Wonder Bread account".
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Yom HaShoah |
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Wed Apr 30, 2003, 12:21pm
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Mark,
A huge two-thumbs up on that one! |
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Wed Apr 30, 2003, 12:37pm
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Quote:
and we can joke about jews!!!! i 'm just kiddinig around!! so let's go on the jews now.. A moment or two after a highway accident, an old Jewish man came up to a woman lying by the roadside. "Have the police come yet?" the man asked. "No," the woman moaned. "Has the ambulance been here yet?" "No," the injured woman repeated. "How about the insurance company?" "No." "Listen," the Jewish man said, bending down. "Do you mind if I lay down next to you?" ... ************************************ A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful. What part is it?" The boy says,"I play the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part." ************************************************** ** An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love. However, no matter what the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm. Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi. The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion: "Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm." They go home and follow the rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. But it doesn't help and she is still unsatisfied. Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. "Okay," says the rabbi, "let's try it reversed-Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them." Once again, they follow the rabbi's advice. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, "You see, THAT'S the way to wave a towel!" Ã*ðé Ã*åäá Ã*ú éùøÃ*ì!!
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THE ISRAELI OFFICIAL IS BACK |
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Wed Apr 30, 2003, 12:38pm
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Quote:
Hey....no fair!!! He's a judge!
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It's what you learn after you think you know it all that's important! |
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Wed Apr 30, 2003, 12:44pm
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Re: and here's one for David........
Quote:
and this one for you... A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?" "I don't like her." ************************************************** ****** Six Jewish men were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerowitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Goldberg, who is always a loser picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet mensch you will ever meet. Discretion is mine middle name, leave it to me." Goldberg schleps over to the Meyerowitz apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants. Goldberg declares "Your husband just lost $500." She hollers, "TELL HIM HE SHOULD DROP DEAD!" Goldberg says, "I'll tell him." $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$... Three citizens of the former Soviet Eastern Bloc - a Pole, a Czech, and a Jew - were accused of spying and were sentenced to death. Each man was granted one last wish. "I want my ashes scattered over the grave of Pilsudski," said the Pole. "I want my ashes scattered over the grave of Masaryk," said the Czech. "And I," said the Jew, "want my ashes scattered over the grave of Comrade Kosygin." "But that's impossible," he was told. "Kosygin isn't dead yet." "Fine," said the Jew. "I can wait." ################################################## #### hi fox want some more???..
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THE ISRAELI OFFICIAL IS BACK |
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Wed Apr 30, 2003, 01:09pm
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Quote:
The eagle joke will not be judged. It is what it is.  mick Chuck's rope is Stoopidist. PA Coach bell is still psychist. Gotta beat: PCCougar's priest Nick's parrot Romano's towel waver Padgett's parrot Husker blue's sandals |
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Wed Apr 30, 2003, 01:10pm
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You remember the story about Lincoln and Kennedy and all the
coincidences of their lives? Well, let's compare Clinton with the Titanic: TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet. CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet. TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long. CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long. TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their Forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. TITANIC VIDEO: Villain: White Star Line. CLINTON VIDEO: Villain: Ken Starr. TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist. CLlNTON VIDEO: Bill is a B.S. artist. TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar. CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill. TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica. TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit. CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there. TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry. CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts. TITANIC VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular. CLINTON VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton's approval rating is at 70%. TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen CLINTON VIDEO: Monica... uh, never mind. TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death. CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary. $$$$$$$$**************$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$ and something to MY candian freinds..and for you -canuckrefguy ... An American is having breakfast one morning; coffee, croissants, bread, butter & jam when a Canadian man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Canadian who, nevertheless, starts a conversation: Canadian: "You American folk eat the whole bread??" American (in a bad mood): "Of course." Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In Canada, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Canadian has a smirk on his face. The American listens in silence. The Canadian persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??" American: "Of Course." Canadian: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In Canada we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to the states." The American then asks: "Do you have sex in Canada?" Canadian: "Why of course we do", the Canadian says with a big smirk. American: And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?" Canadian: "We throw them away, of course." American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to Canada.... PS IT'S A JOKE!! so please canuckrefguy ..don;t cry..i love canada also!! DAVID. [Edited by ROMANO on Apr 30th, 2003 at 01:14 PM]
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THE ISRAELI OFFICIAL IS BACK |
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Wed Apr 30, 2003, 01:47pm
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A man and an ostrich walk into a bar and grill. They both sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks what they would like. The man says "We'll each have a burger and a beer."
The waitress brings the meal, the man and the ostrich eat, and the waitress brings the bill for $10.82. The man reaches into his pocket and brings out exactly $10.82. This scene repeats itself for several days, every day the man and the ostrich eating the same meal and every day the man producing the exact change to pay for the meal. The next day, the man and the ostrich arrive and the waitress asks if they will have "the ususal" The man replies, "No, I'm ready for something different today, we'll both have a steak and some red wine." The waitress brings the meal, the man and the ostrich eat, and the waitress brings the bill for $23.12. The man reaches into his pocket and brings out exactly $23.12. By now the waitress can't stand it anymore. She asks the man "OK, you have come in here every night for several days, always ordering the same thing, except for tonight and always paying for it with exact change. I want to know what's up." The man tells her, "Several years ago, I was walking along the beach an stumbled over an old oil lamp. After I rubbed it, a genie appeared and told me I had two wishes. My first wish was to be able to reach into my pocket and have exactly enough money to buy whatever I wanted at that time." The waitress said, "Wow, that is really wise. You can be as rich as you want to be. That is much smarter than wishing for a certain amount of money that might someday run out. By the way, what's the deal with the ostrich?" "Oh", said the man, "My second wish was for a chick with long legs!"
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It's what you learn after you think you know it all that's important! |
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Wed Apr 30, 2003, 02:14pm
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A guy comes home from playing golf. His wife asks how the day went.
"It was terrible", he says. "On the fifth tee, my good friend George dropped dead of a heart attack!!! "Oh my goodness", said the wife. "That must have been horrible!" "I'll say", said the guy. "The rest of the day it was - hit the ball, drag George - hit the ball, drag George...."
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Yom HaShoah |
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Wed Apr 30, 2003, 04:36pm
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Romano-
Here's the Jewish joke I like How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a lightbulb? (Heavy accent) No, no, just leave me here in the dark. YOu go out and have a good time with your friends. (This one doesn't go into print very well either...) |
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Wed Apr 30, 2003, 04:37pm
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You don't even need the word "Jewish" in there...
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Wed Apr 30, 2003, 04:49pm
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OK - here's my final French joke
A French army company was out on maneuvers for about three months. Finally, the company commander called all the men together.
"Men", he said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that after three months out in the wilderness, we're finally going to get a change of underwear." The men cheered. "Now", he continued, "the bad news - Jacque, you change with Pierre. Pierre, you change with Emile. Emile, you change with Francois........"
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Yom HaShoah |
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