JOKES!!!

[MCJB Ump]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...



The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

'So what do you think about that Doc ?'


The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

'I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.'



One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'

'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the e water's edge.



He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.'

'Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.



Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,
'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

The doctor replied , 'My point exactly.'

[fullor30]

Originally Posted by MichaelVA2000

Visual. Enjoy!
http://raisethewflag.blogspot.com/20...uring-lou.html

Pretty lame..........

[MCJB Ump]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?

"She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?

"She says, He said,'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

[Mark Padgett]

Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "While cleaning Father Clancy's room this morning, I found a bunch of condoms!"

The second nun said, "I know. I saw them yesterday and poked holes in all of them!"

The third nun fainted.

[MCJB Ump]

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
is driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver,
where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course,"
slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.

"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

[MCJB Ump]

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you? " Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"


A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."


" Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week," "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."


A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids".


An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you". The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."


A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..""Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.


Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."


A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling."I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter- word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say," asked the nurse."OOPS"

[Steven Tyler]

WAIT RIGHT HERE, DONT GO ANYWHERE....
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me" "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?

NOTHING BOTHERS ME......
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

WATCH YOUR STEP....
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

LET'S RIDE....
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

SWEATING TO THE OLDIES....
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

CLEAN UP, AISLE 4....
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over WalMart-Mart. "WalMart-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why WalMart-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"

WHAT DID I SAY....
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

I LOVES ME TWINKIES....
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

SWITCH TO DECAF....
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

GO, GO, GO....
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

WHATCH YOU LOOKIN' AT....
THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

[soundedlikeastrike]

A baseball fan dies and goes to heaven.
He is met a the Pearly Gates by St. Peter, who welcomes him in.
The baseball fan asks "is there baseball in heaven?"
St. Peter says "yes of course, we play a double header with a team from hell everyday".

The excited fan asks, well you do you have on your team?

St. Peter say's, we have a very good team, and begins to rattle of the likes of Ruth, Gehring, Cobb, Clemente, etc. etc....

The now very excited awe struck fan says, "wow, you must win every game with that line-up"?

St. Peter say's "well no, in fact, we haven't won a game yet."

"What", says the fan, "how can that be"?

Well says St. Peter "they bring the umpires".

[soundedlikeastrike]

A BB scout is out looking at HS pitching prospect. He send the following telegraph/text message, back to the owner: Send more money, can't hit what can't see.

Of course the money is sent and deal is done.

The rookie gets his first assigment, a start against the Yankees.
After a few warm-up tosses, F2 trouts out and welcomes the kid to the bigs.

Then he says okay kid, heres the signs; one finger is a fastball, two fingers is a curve, got it?

The kid nods and echos "one finger fastball, two fingers curve", got it.

First pitch, F2 puts down 1 finger. F1 winds up and uncorks a ball, that goes nearly 1/2 way up the backstop, for ball 1.

F2, thinks "man the kids a little nervous, he'll be okay".
Squats and gives the FB sign again.
Wiind up, uncorked, nearly straight into the 1B dugout, ball two.
Wow, thinks F2, "this kids tighter-n-frogs a--". He then gets a idea, "I'll try the curve ball, maybe the extra concentration needed will give the kid a chance to quit thinking about his new surroundings, calm him down a bit".
He gives the curve ball sign.
The wind up. the kid snaps one off that has Jetter bailing and laying on his a--, "Strike" is the call.
"Ah", thinks F2, "there we go, he's back with us now". So F2 flashes the FB sign again, wind up, uncorked, nearly into the 3rd base dugout, ball.

Finally F2's had it, "time" he says and trots on out to see what's going on.
He says, "kid that was the best damn curve ball I've ever seen, what's the deal with the fast ball?

The kids holds up the ball with two finger across the seams, and says "we'll that 2 finger curveball, I can handle", but, as he switches his grip to the ball now being held between his "thumb and forefinger", that one finger fast ball is tough to control.

[tpaulikas]

There was one blond on each side or the river bank....one yelled over to the other and said how do I get on the other river bank? The other blond replied you are!

[Steven Tyler]

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America;

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .

And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.'


2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'


3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'


4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'


5 She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'


6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'



HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'


2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is ' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'


3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'


4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'


5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ***' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION'


6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE

[coxbob]

Originally Posted by Steven Tyler

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America;

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .

And furthermore

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.'


2. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'


3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'


4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'


5 She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'


6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'



HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'


2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is ' OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'


3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'


4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'


5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ***' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION'


6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE

Great ! lol

[Rick KY]

I haven't read through all thes jokes, so I apologize if this is a duplicate...

After his game a referee walks into a bar and sits next to 3 other men watching a game on TV. After some small talk the Ref asks the three men if they heard the joke about the ref and the coach. One of the men says "Before you start telling it, you should know that all three of us are coaches. So, are you sure you still want to tell us that joke?" The ref thinks a couple seconds and replies, "Well not if I have to explain it three times!"

[MCJB Ump]

Tis the Season!!!!


Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

[MCJB Ump]

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' was the man's reply.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven ?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes.

I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'