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Another blonde puzzle story:
A blonde was attempting to put a jigsaw puzzle together and was not making any progress. She called a male friend of hers and told her that she just could not get the puzzle together. he asked her what the puzzle was a picture of and she said that the picture on the box looked like a tiger. Well, this guy considered himself a jigsaw puzzle expert so he told the blonde to sit tight, he would come over and help her with the puzzle. He got to the blonde's house, went inside, and saw that she had the pieces scattered all over the table. He looked over the puzzle and stated "I'm sorry, but no matter what you do, these pieces will never look like that piture." By now the blonde was pretty distressed and emotional and asked her friend what she should do. He said , "Well, why don't you get yourself a cup of coffee, sit down and relax for a few minutes. After that, I will help you put all of these frosted flakes back in the box!" |
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i think there is only me and you... we are the last jokers! are'nt we?.... |
I remember back in 8th grade when we studied humor in English class. Our teacher told us that people groan at puns because they wish they had said it first. I didn't believe her. She then told this pun.
A king decided to imprison his court jester for telling so many bad puns. After a few days, the king went to the prison and told the jester that if he stopped telling bad puns, he would let him go. The jester replied, "Oh pun the door". Groan - but I don't wish I had said it first. BTW - school was much easier then. We had a lot fewer states to memorize. |
Okay, this is the end for me. I won't judge any jokes posted after this. Mick can decide when his cut-off is.
I'll post my results Wednesday morning PDT. |
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http://www.condom.co.il/links.asp?id=2 |
Two Irishmen in London whilst looking for work were strolling down Oxford Street. After walking for a few minutes, Paddy turns to Murphy with a look of amazement on his face and says: "Murphy, will you have a look at that shop over there, I thought that London was supposed to be expensive but that shop is as cheap as chips!"
Murphy says: "Paddy you`re right so you are, will you have a look at that. Suits £10.00, Shirts £4.00, Trousers £5.00, I think that we should buy the lot and take them back to Ireland. We would make a tidy profit selling them in Dublin so we would." Paddy says in agreement: "Murphy that is as good an idea as you`ll ever have, but I`m pretty sure that you have to pay taxes and duty on things like that. The shopkeeper will never let us have them if he thinks that we`re gonna export them and make our fortune, so he won`t." Murphy thinks and says: "Paddy, I`ve got idea! You can do the best English accent out of the pair of us. You go in there and do the talking and I`ll just stand behind you and say nothing. He`ll never guess we`re Irish so he won`t." "OK Murphy", agrees Paddy, "I`ll do the talking, you just stand there and look English." So the two visitors to the illustrious capital city go into the shop, where Paddy is greeted politely by the owner. Paddy then proceeds to do his best Phil Mitchell impression; "Awwwight Guvnor, I`ll `ave 20 of yer` Whistle`un Flutes`, 20 `Dickie Dirts` and 20 pairs of strides. And if yer don`t mind I`ll be paying with the 380 `Pictures of the Queen` in my `Sky Rocket`." Upon hearing this request from Paddy, the owner smiles, takes a look at Murphy as well then says to Paddy "You`re Irish aren`t you?" Quite bemused, Paddy replies, "Oh be`Jasus. Mary mother of Christ, if that ain`t me best English accent ? How in God`s name did you know that we were Irish?" The Owner replies "This is a Dry Cleaners". |
It's alive!!
keep writing jokes!! |
Re: OK, here's a few more
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My daughter was in first grade and she was at the grocery store with my wife who was writing a check. 1st graders are really getting a grasp on what it means to make good grades and their importance. She grabbed my wife's drivers license and shouted loud enough for people at ALL the surrounding checkout counters to hear: "Mommy, you got an F in sex!" Kids say the darndest things. |
Please note, this joke falls in the sports catagory;
2 buddies are out fishing in the river early one morning. Suddenly they hear some rustling in the bushes and some sticks breaking and out appears a great big momma bear for her morning drink. The 2 buddies hold completly still and don't make a noise. After her drink, momma bear stands up to stretch and out of the corner of her eye, she notices the 2 fishermen. 1 buddy says to the other; whadda-ya gonna do? Buddy #2 says; I'm gonna run. Buddy #1 asks; do you think you can outrun a bear? Buddy #2 replies confidently; no but I think I can outrun you! |
Hmmmmm, since this thing has taken a life of its own, I shall jump in! If you find any of my stuff offensive, please let me know and I shall remove it.
Here goes: #1-(Disclaimer: I was raised Methodist!)--Three men were sitting in a bar, a Lutheran, a Catholic, and a Mormon. The Lutheran man brags that his wife is now pregnant with their 5th child, enough to start a basketball lineup. The Catholic man says that's nothing, since his wife is pregnant with their 11th kid, enough to have a starting lineup in football. The Mormon says that's nothing, since he has 17 wives and needs just one more for a golf course. #2-During the Bill Clinton administration, all female interns at the White House bragged of offers of extra fringe benefits. Only Monica Lewinsky accepted! #3-Three old Catholic ladies are sitting around, having tea. The first one says, "My son is a preist, and it's pretty cool when he enters the room and everyone says 'Hello, Father!" The second lady says, "That's nothing, my son's a cardinal, and it's really cool when he enters a room and they say 'Hello, your eminence." Silence falls upon them. The two look at the third lady, who finally says...."My son is 6'4", weighs 215 pounds, and is a world-champion bodybuilder. When he walks in the room, every lady is saying 'OH, MY GOD!" bada bing [Edited by Ref Ump Welsch on May 18th, 2005 at 12:45 AM] |
A duck walks into a general store goes up to the counter and ask the clerk "you got any fish?"
The clerk says "no" and the duck leaves. The duck goes in the next day, goes to the clerk and asks "You got any fish?" The clerk again replies "NO!" This goes on for a week. Finally as the duck walks in and asks "You got any fish?" The clerk replies "NO, and if you come in here again I'm gonna nail your bill to the floor!" The duck says "OK" and leaves. The next day the duck walks in and asks the clerk "You got any nails?" The clerk replies "No." So the duck asks "You got any fish?" |
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music, and anything else he could think of to clean up the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot; the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions, and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
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I heard these recently on the radio. They were both told by President Reagan, although I'm sure I've heard the first one in several different forms.
After Glasnost, traffic in Moscow grew at an alarming rate, and so did the number of speeding vehicles. It got to be so bad that the traffic cops were told to ticket anybody caught for speeding. In the spirit of the country's new "openness", party officials were not to be given any special favors -- everybody was to pay the fine. One morning, Gorbachev woke up very late and realized that he had less than a half-hour to make his meeting clear across Moscow. He dressed quickly, and ran to his car where his driver was waiting. He told the driver they were going to have to fly across town and the driver politely reminded him of the speeding restrictions. Gorbachev angrily told him to get in back and Gorby slid behind the wheel. As he speeds through the city streets, he is of course pulled over by a traffic cop. The cop lets him off with a warning and his partner questions him about it. "I couldn't give him a ticket. He was too important." "But we are not supposed to let anyone off with a warning. Who was it that was so important?" "I don't know who it was. But he must have been really important, b/c his driver was Gorbachev!" __________________________________________________ ____ A couple of guards are standing watch on top of the Berlin Wall. It's getting late, night is falling and people are hurrying to get home. Suddenly, one of the guards takes aim into the crowd and shoots a man in his tracks. The other guard is taken aback and asks, "What did you do that for?!?!" The first guard replies simply, "Curfew." The second guard objects, "But curfew isn't for another 15 minutes!" The first guard says, "Yeah, but that guy is a friend of mine. I know where he lives, and he never would've made it." |
A Bottle Of Wine
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What's in the bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade." |
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