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I've had games where both coaches never said a word to me. I've had games where both coaches were borderline out of control. And I've had games of everything in between.
There's no one here that can assure you that any one style will get you the desired results. If I'm working your game, I can assure you that the other coach's behavior isn't going to impact what I call. I'm much more concerned about the kids on the floor staying under control as I hope I can trust the coach to behave like an adult (at least moreso than his kids). What I mean by that is that if you aren't demonstrative or spouting clearly unsportsmanlike language, I'm pretty much going to ignore you other than the polite "OK" to respond to your comments and answer whatever questions I can and should.
What I would recommend you try is to think about what type of comment or question you can make or ask to the officials that isn't disrespectful, but does issue a concern that another coach "working them" while you are concentrating on coaching would give the other team an advantage. Don't bring it up pre-game, just when its necessary, say, at a time out. On the other hand, don't try to brown nose either. A comment like "I'm behaving myself" with nothing more insinuates that you expect to be rewarded for that. You have to make darn sure you don't appear to be whining, as that will get you a tune out quicker than just about anything.
I've had a coach this year tell me the work in his game was the best he's had (don't know if he meant this year or all time). He also stated that comments directed at us were based primarily on showing his kids that he was as into the game as they were. I think there are other ways to communicate to your kids than working the officials.
Being an attorney, I'm skilled at gathering information through questions. If I were a coach, I'd probably talk to the officials with questions more than comments. Direct, leading questions can be persuasive, and if you ask them politely and without disrespect, that might be a way to "work" the officials on your own terms. But make sure the questions are stupid. Like whining, they'll get tuned out fast.
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