JOKES!!!

[Mark Padgett]

A man wanted to get a new dog, so he went down to the pet store. He found a dog he liked the looks of, and the pet store owner told him that this was a nice Jewish dog, and his name was Irving, and he'd make a very good pet.

The guy thought that sounded great so he bought Irving and took him home. After a few days of teaching Irving tricks, he wanted to show him off to his friends, so he invited his neighbor over to see.

He called Irving into the house, bragging about what a smart dog he is. The dog quickly came running and stood looking up at his master, tail wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation.

Pointing at the newspaper lying by the door, he commanded, "Okay, Irving, Fetch!"

Immediately, the dog climbed up on to the couch and sat there, his tail wagging furiously. Then all of a sudden, he stopped, his doggy smile changing to an expression of annoyance.

Looking up at his master, Irving opened his mouth and whined, "You think this is easy, wagging my tail all the time? Oy, this constant wagging of the tail puts me in such pain, you should only know! And you think it's easy eating that dreck you call dog food. It gives me gas! And the runs, but what do you care? Why don't you try it if you think it's so good? You try it. Dreck I say! Then you push me out the door to take care of my business in the filthy yard. It's disgusting I tell you! When was the last time you took me for a nice long walk? I can't remember when!"

The neighbor's jaw dropped, as he sat there staring stunned at the dog. "I can't believe it!" he said. "Your dog is sitting on the couch talking to us!"

"I know, I know." sighed the owner. "He's not trained very well yet. He thought I said, 'Kvetch'!"