JOKES!!!

[MCJB Ump]

Tis the Season!!!!


Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

[MCJB Ump]

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' was the man's reply.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven ?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die, yes.

I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

[MCJB Ump]

Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.

The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

[MCJB Ump]

Father Kelly is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

[Scrapper1]

Transferred from the basketball forum:

In the lifers' section of the prison, all the inmates had been there for years. One night after lights-out, one of the prisoners yelled out "22!" There was some quiet chuckling in various cells. Then a different voice yelled out, "54!" Again, there was some laughter in the darkness.

One inmate, who had only been in this prison for a couple months, asked his cellmate, "What's with the numbers?" His cellmate said, "We been here so long, we've heard each others' jokes 1,000 times. So instead of telling the whole joke, they just say the number of the joke, and the other guys remember it."

Just then, another voice in the darkness yelled out, "317!" There was silence for a second, and then the cell block erupted with laughter.

The new inmate again turned to his cellmate: "What was that all about?" His cellmate answered, "We'd never heard that one before!"

[Scrapper1]

An old man fell ill. He knew he was going to die soon. He had very few friends, but he called the 3 people that he trusted most in the world to come to his bedside: his priest, his doctor, and his lawyer.

"I don't have a lot of time left," he told them. "I don't have any family or close friends. So I've emptied my bank accounts and I have all my money right here with me, in cash. I don't want the government to get it, so I'm taking it with me!!"

He handed one envelope each to the priest, the doctor and the lawyer.

"Each one of you has a third of my life savings. When I die, I want you each to put your envelope in my casket so I can be buried with my entire net worth." The 3 men all agreed.

When the old man died, the lawyer, the doctor and the priest all attended the funeral and one by one, each one approached the coffin and dutifully slipped his envelope under the pillow inside.

After the service, the 3 men met to toast the memory of the old man. The priest spoke up and said, "I have to tell you both, I feel somewhat guilty. I couldn't stop thinking about the needs of the poor in town. And although I put most of the money into the coffin, I kept some to feed the homeless."

The doctor consoled the priest. "Don't be too hard on yourself, Father. I was thinking about the children's hospital and the new equipment they need there. So while I put most of the money into the casket, I too kept some to donate to the children's hospital."

The lawyer said, "I'm shocked at both of you. That's completely unethical. I put a check in for the entire amount!"