JOKES!!!

[GarthB]

1. Did you hear that Mississippi raised the drinking age to 30?

They're trying to keep alcohol out of high school.


2. A recent widow in Arkansas left the lawyer's office all pissed off after the reading of the will. Her husband left her everything, but she can't get it until she turns 14.


3. A stranger walks into a bar in Arkansas. As everyone stops their conversations and stares at him, the batender asks, "Where y'all from stranger?"

"Tennessee," replied the stranger.

"An' whut do ya do in Tennessee?" asked the bartender.

"I'm a taxidermist," replied the stranger.

"An whut 'xactly is a taxeedermist?" asked the bartender.

"Well, I mount animals," replied the stranger.

"It's okay, folks," yelled the bartender to the others, "He's one of us."

[Steven Tyler]

Originally Posted by GarthB

1. Did you hear that Mississippi raised the drinking age to 30?

They're trying to keep alcohol out of high school.

Speaking of Mississippi, it's where they invented the toothbrush.

If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called the teethbrush.

[Scrapper1]

Originally Posted by Steven Tyler

Speaking of Mississippi, it's where they invented the toothbrush.

If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called the teethbrush.

If you've ever been accused of lying through your tooth, you might be a redneck.

One of my favorites.

[mick]

A woman awakes during the night to fiind her husband was not in bed beside her.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".
The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do" she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued... "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said..."I would have gotten out today."

[Steven Tyler]

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.'

************************************************** ************************************************** *

An elderly gentleman...

Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

************************************************** ************************************************** *

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

************************************************** ************************************************** *

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?

You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'

'Do you mean a rose?'

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

************************************************** ************************************************** *

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

************************************************** ************************************************** *

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember


Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,

The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast ?'
************************************************** ************************************************** *

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

************************************************** ************************************************** *

Three old guys are out walking.

First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'

Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

************************************************** ************************************************** *

A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor . 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

************************************************** ************************************************** *

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

************************************************** ************************************************** *

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[Scrapper1]

Originally Posted by Steven Tyler

'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

See post #235.

'Where's my toast ?'

See post #166.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

I like that one.

[MCJB Ump]

Salesman knocks on a door and a 7 year old boy answers with a cigar in one hand and a Budweiser in the other.

Salesman asks, "Is your mother home?"

Kid gives him a look and says, "What the f@%# do you think?'

[BigUmp56]

Why don't blondes eat M&M's?





They're too damned hard to peel.........



Tim.

[Steven Tyler]

Originally Posted by BigUmp56

Why don't blondes eat M&M's?





They're too damned hard to peel.........



Tim.

Because every time they go to the store to buy them, all they can find are W&W's

[Steven Tyler]

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!" A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!" The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused.

A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls." After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"

[Mark T. DeNucci, Sr.]

I just received this story from Walt McCain, a basketball officiating friend of my in North Carolina.


An old country preacher had a teenage son,

and it was getting time the boy should give some thought

to choosing a profession. Like many young men,

the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do,

and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school,

his father decided to try an experiment.
He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table

four objects:


a Bible,

a silver dollar,

a bottle of whisky

and a Playboy magazine

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon,

I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me

and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar,

he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all,

if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."


The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm.

He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket.

He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink

while he admired this month's Centerfold.


"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered,

"he's gonna run for Congress!"


MTD, Sr.

[MichaelVA2000]

The Pilots One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a
commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show
up so they can get under way. The pilot and co pilot finally appear in
the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the
center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white
cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the
aisle, and the co pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes
covered with huge sunglasses.
At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some
sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start
spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The
passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among
themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for
reassurance.
Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin
panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer
and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and
more hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there
is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at
once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is
airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to
the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going
to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"

[Steven Tyler]

Originally Posted by msavakinas

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

If your Dad was Jerry Lewis he would have been riding a bus and have had sex with a parrot. At least that's the way Jerry told it on his Labor Day Marathon a few years ago...........

[MCJB Ump]

Why do men in Scotland wear kilts?





Because sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

[MichaelVA2000]

Visual. Enjoy!
http://raisethewflag.blogspot.com/20...uring-lou.html