JOKES!!!

[mick]

Originally posted by ChuckElias

I've heard this one before and like it a lot. But on this website, shouldn't we adjust it to "You're working the plate on Friday" or "You're the R on Friday"?

[sigh!!!!]
Many here do not wear black sneakers, when they have plate shoes.
mick

[Mike Walsh]

A man was pulled over for speeding. When the officer asked him for his license and registration, the man said he could not produce them. The officer asked if he didn’t have them and was told that he did, but that they were in his glove compartment, and if he opened it the cop would see his unregistered gun. He asked why he had a gun and was told that he needed it because of all the drugs he sold illegally. The cop told him to exit the vehicle and open his trunk for a search, but the man refused. He told the cop he couldn’t open the trunk because he had a dead body hidden in there. The cop, on the verge of the biggest bust in his career, called for back-up. The chief of police arrived shortly with 4 more deputies. The chief asked the man his name and the man said, chief, if you’ll look in my pocket you’ll find my name on my license and registration. The chief said that the officer told them he didn’t have a license and registration, and that he had a gun, drugs, and a dead body in the car. The man laughed and said, I bet he told you I was speeding, too.

[NICK]

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first
on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

[ChuckElias]

A woman is in her shower when there's a knock on her front door. She sticks her head out of the shower and yells, "Who is it?!!"

A man yells from outside, "Blind man!!"

She's naked and wet, but she figures if some poor blind guy needs some help, what could it hurt? He's not gonna see anything anyway.

So she hops out of the shower and opens the front door. The guy says, "So where do you want the blinds, lady?"

(Stolen from Henny Youngman)

[NICK]

A gynaecologist goes to night school to become a mechanic and he is confused by his final mark of 150%. He sees his instructor. “Look,” he says” I don’t want to seem ungrateful but, could you explain how I received such a high score?” The instructor says: “Firstly you were asked to pull the engine apart in an orderly fashion, and for that you received 50%. Secondly you were asked to put the engine back together neatly. For that you received 50%. Finally, I gave you the bonus 50% for doing it through the muffler!”

[Skahtboi]

An alligator isn't feeling well, and decides to go see a veternarian. He describes his symptoms to the doctor as feeling run down, lethargic, lacking energy. He even tells the vet that he doesn't have the energy to lay in wait for a duck to swim by. So...the vet runs several tests on the alligator. After all the tests come back, the vet goes back in to the waiting alligator, and presents him with some blue, diamond shaped pills and tells him to take one a day.

"Wait," says the alligator. "Isn't this that viagra stuff I have heard about. Look Doc....I don't have any problem in that area."

"Well.." the vet replies, "our tests show that you are suffering from a reptile dysfunction."

[wisref2]

Originally posted by ROMANO
A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar.
They like each other and she goes back with him to
his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his
tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which
reads, "Reebok." She thinks that is a bit odd and
asks him about it.

Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras
pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for
advertisement." A bit later, his pants are off and she
sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gives the same
explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the
underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS"
tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock.

"I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!"

He says, "It's cool baby. In a minute it's going to say
'ADIDAS'...

My tattoo says MIT

or

Massachusetts Institute of Technology

[ChuckElias]

Originally posted by NICK
A gynaecologist goes to night school to become a mechanic

Nick, just wanted you to know that my wife was almost in tears, she was laughing at this joke so hard. Thanks!

[Skahtboi]

If well endowed waitresses work at Hooters, where do the one legged waitresses work???


























IHOP

[mick]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth, and two others had jumped the fence and were out heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the
elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice
had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.

He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[Carbide Keyman]

Vito calls Luigi and says he has a gorilla on his barn roof and can Luigi help him get it down.

Fifteen minutes later, Luigi pulls up in his truck with a ladder, a baseball bat, a bunch of bananas, handcuffs, a pit bull, and a shotgun.

Vito: Howa alla dis stuff gonna get dat gorilla offa my barn ?
Luigi: First, Ima gonna climb up on da barn wit da ladder. When I geta dere, ima gonna dangle da bananas in front of da monkey. When hea reaches for da bananas, ima gonna knock him offa da roof wit da baseball bat. When da gorilla hits da ground, dat specially trained pit bull will go right for dat monk's family jewels. When da gorilla puts hisa hands down to protect hisself, youa slappa da cuffs on him.
Vito: Dat's a great plan Luigi, but whatta da shotgun for ?
Luigi: Iffa by chance da gorilla knocks me offa da roof, you shoot da damn dog !!!!!!!


Doug

[NICK]

Why do terrorists commit suicide?
Everyone seems to be wondering why the Arab terrorists are so quick to commit suicide? Let's see now... They have...
No premarital sex.
No booze....No bars.
No television....No Internet.
No organized sports, stadiums, tailgate parties. Actually, no tailgates.
No pork sausages, no pork chops, no ham
Sand everywhere and not a dune buggy in sight.
Ever try to fish at an oasis?
Rags for clothes and hats.
Eating only with your right hand 'cause you wipe your butt only with your left hand. (Like life isn't complicated enough already yet!!)
Constant wailing from the neighbour 'cause he's sick and there's no doctor.
No music.....No radio.
You can't shave....You can't shower.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
Oh, .... and then they'll tell you that when you die, it all gets better!
Who wouldn't go for it?

[Dan_ref]

Originally posted by wisref2

My tattoo says MIT

or

Massachusetts Institute of Technology

TiNY

Fort Ticondaroga, New York.

[NICK]

Dear Spike,
I have been unable to sleep since I forced my daughter to break off her engagement to you. Will you forgive and forget?
I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo, and pierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted the way I did to the fact that you have never held a job.
I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park.
Sure, my daughter is only 17 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on a full ride scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything about life from books.
I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.
Sincerely,
Your future father-in-law....
P.S. Congratulations on winning the Powerball lottery

[DownTownTonyBrown]

Originally posted by Dan_ref

TiNY

Fort Ticondaroga, New York.

The way I heard this one was that I guy had gotten talked into tatooing his girlfriend's name... there. "Wendy"

The guy happened to be on his honeymoon ... in the restroom when a big Jamaican parks him self at the adjoining urinal. The guy notices that the Jamaican also has his privates tatooed. He starts to make some small talk about how he got talked into this by his girlfriend - now, wife, named Wendy. He takes another glance at the Jamaican and notices simlar letters W - E - N - D - Y, and is astounded that perhaps they have girlfriends with the same idea and incredibly the same name!

The Jamaican responds, "Nah, Man. My girl is not Wendy. I work for the Tourism Department. Mine sez: WELCOME TO JAMAICA HAVE A NICE DAY!"

Like you haven't heard this joke three times already. Oh well.