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There once was this bar with a sign in its window. It read, anyone who can make my horse laugh will have all the drinks they want on the house. So this guy walks in and asks if he can give it a try. The bartender says sure.
The cowboy walks out there and whispers something in the horse's ear. The horse starts laughing hysterically. The guys walks in and the bartender gives him the drinks. The next night the same guy and the same thing happens. The third night the sign is changed to making the horse cry. The guy goes out side and a few minutes later he comes back in and the horse is crying. The bartender says 'OK, you can have your drinks but first tell me what you did to make my horse laugh.' The cowboy said, 'I told him my privates are bigger than his.' 'OK, but how did you make him cry?' The cowboy replied, 'I proved it to him... |
To date....
There were no funny jokes.
PA Coach is Psykist. Someone has to beat: PGCougar's - Priest Padgett's - 10 minutes Nicks' - parrot Juulie' - grandfather |
Re: To date....
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A guy brings a raccoon home , tells his wife it's a pet. She asks , "Where are you going to keep it?" He repies , "In the bedroom." "But what about that horrible nasty smell?' , she asks. "I got used to you , I'm sure he will too!" |
"MOODS"
THE MOODS OF A WOMAN An angel of truth and a dream of fiction, A woman is a bundle of contradiction, She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse, But will tackle a stranger alone in the house. Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose, She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose, She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk, She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk, At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad, She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad. THE MOODS OF A MAN Hungry. Horny. Sleepy. |
The Train Ride
The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog. A weary American traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat." The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed said, "You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?" "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant.... Imagine!" The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the open window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, demanding that someone defend her honor and chastise the American. An elderly Englishman sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly, "Blimy, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing daft things. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong ***** out the window." |
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's right!!" said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!" With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until you change your attitude"..
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A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar.
They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, "Reebok." She thinks that is a bit odd and asks him about it. Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement." A bit later, his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumps back with shock. "I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!" He says, "It's cool baby. In a minute it's going to say 'ADIDAS'... |
One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said. The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try." "Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife [Edited by ROMANO on Apr 28th, 2003 at 01:42 PM] |
A recent survey was conducted asking women to comment on the size of their a**
85% of the women said that their a** was too big. 10% of the women said that their a** was too small. The other 5% said that it did not matter, they married him and were going to love him anyway! |
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The rope sighs, gets up and leaves the bar. Once outside, he twists himself up and rumples his hair. He then walks back in, and sits at the bar. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks, "Aren't you that rope who was just in here a minute ago?" The rope replied, "Nope, I'm afraid not. . ." ______________________________ A mushroom walks into bar and takes a seat. The bartender immediately tells him to leave. "We don't serve your kind in here!" he says derisively. "Why not?" asked the mushroom. "I'm a fun guy!" Quote:
Q: How many surrealist painters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Trout Quote:
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My off-color contribution:
By mere coincidence, three married couples die on the same day and happen to be standing in line at the pearly gates one behind the other. The first couple approaches the gate and St. Peter pages through his records. He says to the man, "I'm sorry, but I don't see how I can let you in. Your whole life has been devoted to accumulating wealth. You neglected your friends, worked incessantly, never gave anything to charity. You're so obsessed with money that you even married a woman name Penny! I'm sorry, but you'll have to leave." The second couple reaches the desk and again St. Peter flips through the pages of his book. He says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I can let you in. You wasted your whole life because you were only interested in getting your next drink. You lost years of your life b/c of alcohol. You partied constantly, you never even attempted to rehabilitate yourself. You were so obsessed with alcohol that you even married a woman named Sherry! I'm sorry, but you'll have to leave." The third man looks at his wife and says, "Well, Fanny, I don't think we have much of a chance. . ." |
The Sandals
A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!" So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Man." Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes... something his wife hadn't seen in many years!! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!! |
[QUOTE]Originally posted by ChuckElias
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The rope sighs, gets up and leaves the bar. Once outside, he twists himself up and rumples his hair. He then walks back in, and sits at the bar. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks, "Aren't you that rope who was just in here a minute ago?" The rope replied, "Nope, I'm afraid not. . ." Groooooan..... ______________________________ A mushroom walks into bar and takes a seat. The bartender immediately tells him to leave. "We don't serve your kind in here!" he says derisively. "Why not?" asked the mushroom. "I'm a fun guy!" Bigger grooooan...... |
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Re: To date....
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A woman goes to a pet shop. As she looks around, a beautiful parrot catches her eye. The sign on the cage says "FREE". She asks the store owner why it's free. "Well, it's a beautiful bird, but its language is as colorful as its feathers. You see, his previous owner was the madam of the brothel outside of town. No one wants to buy him, so I'm giving him away." The woman tries to prompt the bird to speak, but he's silent until another woman enters the store. "Different whorehouse; new whores," the bird observes. Well, the woman was surprised, but she figured that if the bird could learn that much, she could teach him better words and she decided that he was so beautiful that she would take him. Besides, he's free, so what can she lose? She takes the bird and the cage and gets on the city bus to go home. At the next stop, a woman boards the bus and sits down. "Different whorehouse; new whores," the bird notes. The woman apologizes and explains the bird's odd vocabulary. She finally reaches her stop, gets off and gets the bird to her home. After setting up the cage and making the parrot at home, the woman's daughter comes home from school. "Different whorehouse; new whores," the parrot announces. The woman gently tries to correct the bird, offering new words for him to repeat. The woman's husband comes home from work at suppertime. The bird says, "Hi Dave!" :eek: |
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