i was T when i made an backcourt violation call about 5 feet from the end line close to the basket. my partner came running to me saying the ball goes out at table side no matter what. i replied," im glad you think that, but im taking it out right here( on the baseline)[closest to where the violation occurred] and i told him he might as well go back to his spot.

Youth Rec Game
 

During at TO in a very small gym, I'm waiting to admnister a throw-in near a group of youngster with the score 41-37, I hear "they can beat them, they are only down 7". I look back and say, "Yo Dog, what school do you go to". A Big laugh began!!!!!

seeing as i referee in a Jr. NBA league i always use this one...

Traveling call
Coach:"AW Cmon kid this aint the NBA"
Me:"I know coach - thats why I called the travel"

Carry
Coach:"Aww cmon John, these kids see the pros get away with all the time."
Me:"Thats the NBA- this is the Jr. NBA - I point at my Jr. NBA/Jr. WNBA patch on my shirt- we call this kinna stuff in a instructional leauge"

(Sad thing was that was the league commishoner - one of only several run ins with the guy all year. He threated to pull my stripes if I didnt loosen up on game. Funny thing was I called a game with him.. He called the game tighter than I was. I came to the conseus if his kids werent on the court and he wasnt a coach or parent then he was very very impartial and very very by the book)

Player: You suck, ref!

Me: No, but my wife does.

10 and under girls tournament. Had the same team a couple of times. During the first game the "assistant" coach did nothing but sit on the bench and keep a book. By ths second time I had them, he was up and down, howling like the monkey he really was.

During the third quarter, he yelled at one of the girls from the opposing team, which really got him under my skin.

About 2 minutes later, the head coach asked for an explanation of the three second rule (why does no one understand this rule) and I patiently and politely explained to him that when a shot is attempted there is no team control, thus no three second call, and the three second count would begin when control was established. He was fine with the explanation, but the assistant came up off the bench flailing his arms shouting, "what rule book is that in?"

WHACK "that one," I replied.

Gracious sakes, I hope you only thought that!!

Yeah, I don't thinking I'd be working any more at that school if I actually said that!! :):)

Wha????

That really showed him,eh?:D

Not even close
 

Happen to catch this exchange between an official and a notoriously volatile coach the other night...

Coach (screamming): "5 SECONDS!...COME ON, THAT'S 5!!!!"
Ref (on the way by the bench): "Not even close coach, not even close...4.99."

It may have lost something in the translation but I thought it was great.

Me to a fan (during a deadball lull in a slow grammar school game): MAN that popcorn smells good...

fan: you can smell that from where you are?

me: yeah, we're all blind, so our other senses are heightened.

(got a nice laugh... I know, don't talk to the fans... so sue me.)

My partner calls a girl for pushing (she backed into an opponent). As the partner reports, the foul-er says to me, "How come that wasn't over the back?"
I said, "Hon, over and back happens at the center court line."
She looked astonished, and then puzzled, and then said, "Oh, forget it..."

I didn't see this one listed, it's an oldy, but a goody:

Coach: You guys are missing a good game!

Official: I know, unfortunately, I was assigned to this one!

Last night, semifinal, first round playoff game, Girls HS.

My partner calls a holding foul on the baseline, the offended player was the dribbler. School administrators are assigned chairs on every corner of the floor, after we switch I happen to be in front of the dribbler's HS Principal to inbound the ball (no bonus).

Prin: I thought she was shooting
Me: That's why you don't get a whistle, Doug.

8 cheerleaders next to him break out in laughter and his face is beet red (with a smile on it).

Blackhawk

Be brave to use this one
 

Coach is chirping all night, so I go and stand by him for a while. After a few seconds, he asks, "What the heck are you doing?" I tell him, "Apparently you can see the whole game perfectly from right here, so why am I running around?"