10-point plan to make officiating better...

[Back In The Saddle]

Originally posted by Dan_ref

Maybe I'll write an article giving my 10-point plan to make journalism better...

1. Know what the hell you're talking about. At least a little...

Suggesting that this clown is a journalist is like lumping a Costco dog into the same category as a five-star gourmet meal. I wish I could make that kind of money penning what sounds like the disillusioned ramblings of an angry drunk at the corner bar.

But perhaps I am allowing my personal feelings for this egomaniacal windbag to cloud my judgement. Perhaps, his error is not in suggesting that the camera could save the game from the officials, perhaps it is in not going far enough.

We should eliminate the officials completely. After all, with dozens of cameras trained on every play, we could simply allow the assembled press corp to serve as a collective arbiter, reviewing each play immediately upon completion and rendering a simple majority verdict. To eliminate statistical outliers, we'll throw out the votes of the most and least drunk sportswriters. You already know these bargain basement journalist wanna-bes would go for it. They would finally get what they've always lacked: a chance to matter to the game. Plus, the home team would certainly curry their favor by providing free booze, women and gifts for favorable reviews.

While we're at it, let's poll the fans as part of the process, maybe give them a 33% slice of the total vote. After each play we'll replay it in slow-mo three times on the jumbotron, and see what the masses have to say. Each fan's vote will additionally be weighted according to how much his or her seat cost. Just think, the celebrities on the front row will finally have the influence they believe they deserve.

But why stop there? Include the television audience and give them 33% too. We'll show several angles of slow-mo, and then they can vote via a 1-900 number. Be sure to ask your parents before you call. It'll bring in enough extra cash for the league to double the salary cap. The irony is that soon, we won't even need the players to play the game. The collective judiciary can simply elect the winner. We'll still run the game clock, but the scoreboard will show only the current tally for each team. Speed voting will become a sport in its own right!

At the end of each season Mr. Hench can reprise his excrement excellent piece with another rant about how the fans are ruining the game.