What are some of the quick one liners you use to quiet a howling monkey? I know you guys have some good ones that are still appropriate.

If you mean "funny" one-liners, I don't use those. If a coach is howling, trying to be a comedian will usually just tick him off. Usually, he just wants to be acknowledged.

How about something like, "coach, I need you to do more coaching and less complaining and we'll be both be better off."

Z

I don't know why this works, but it's very effective for me. Look at them for about 2 seconds as they howl, and then say, "Thank you." Repeat as necessary. Keep it very dry, with no hint of sarcasm. After the third repetition, say, "I heard you coach." and perhaps, "I'll watch for that."

"Okay, Coach."
"We'll keep an eye on that, Coach."
"I may have missed that, Coach."

how about??
 

"coach, i hear enough of this whining at home, could you please try some coaching and a little less reffing"
you'll either get a laugh or he'll get worse..

At camp this summer, A1 receives a pass and drives to the basket. A1 is fouled by B1 while in the act of shooting. I call the foul, report and B's coach wants a word. He says I missed the travel at the start of the drive.

"Coach, his pivot never left the ground."
But he travelled.
"Coach, he started the dribble before the foot moved."
But he travelled.
"I won't miss it again, Coach."
Stunned silence. He says, with a look of utter disbelief on his face, "No referee ever said that to me before."

Worked for me. As somebody said earlier, I don't do the funny one-liners.

Do you think that yelling at me is going to hurt or help your team? ;)

You: Do you think that yelling at me is going to hurt or help your team?

Coach: You can't possibly get worse so I aint worrying about you hurting me anymore.

You: coach, i hear enough of this whining at home, could you please try some coaching and a little less reffing.

Coach: I'll stop reffing as soon as you start.

I agree that with most HS coaches, comedy won't help and will probably only hurt. I'm thinking more along the lines of these fall leagues where you have to deal with the "future D1 coaches". HaHa.

You are right about one thing...it should be a quick one liner.
If you try to memorize something that is not really you...you'll come off like George W. Bush at a debate.

You: I'm warning you, Coach. Don't stare at me!

buzzer beater layup and their was a bit of contact - if I was in better position I may have called it ... but i didn't.

Coach comes up to me at half time furious and says "Wasn't there any contact"

Me: "There was no foul"
Red faced Babbon: "So there was no conact?!"
Me: "There was no foul"

Shut him up ... I think its all in delivery ... always get them or at least you to face away from the bench when you speak so no more than necessary hear what you say...

That is EXACTLY the response you will probaly get, I was thinking the same thing and I was going to post the comeback for that one. If you're going to use a one liner you atleast gotta make sure theres no easy comeback.

Oh, yeah? How 'bout this one? Tweet!