What are some of the quick one liners you use to quiet a howling monkey? I know you guys have some good ones that are still appropriate.

If you mean "funny" one-liners, I don't use those. If a coach is howling, trying to be a comedian will usually just tick him off. Usually, he just wants to be acknowledged.

How about something like, "coach, I need you to do more coaching and less complaining and we'll be both be better off."

Z

I don't know why this works, but it's very effective for me. Look at them for about 2 seconds as they howl, and then say, "Thank you." Repeat as necessary. Keep it very dry, with no hint of sarcasm. After the third repetition, say, "I heard you coach." and perhaps, "I'll watch for that."

"Okay, Coach."
"We'll keep an eye on that, Coach."
"I may have missed that, Coach."

how about??
 

"coach, i hear enough of this whining at home, could you please try some coaching and a little less reffing"
you'll either get a laugh or he'll get worse..

At camp this summer, A1 receives a pass and drives to the basket. A1 is fouled by B1 while in the act of shooting. I call the foul, report and B's coach wants a word. He says I missed the travel at the start of the drive.

"Coach, his pivot never left the ground."
But he travelled.
"Coach, he started the dribble before the foot moved."
But he travelled.
"I won't miss it again, Coach."
Stunned silence. He says, with a look of utter disbelief on his face, "No referee ever said that to me before."

Worked for me. As somebody said earlier, I don't do the funny one-liners.

Do you think that yelling at me is going to hurt or help your team? ;)

You: Do you think that yelling at me is going to hurt or help your team?

Coach: You can't possibly get worse so I aint worrying about you hurting me anymore.

You: coach, i hear enough of this whining at home, could you please try some coaching and a little less reffing.

Coach: I'll stop reffing as soon as you start.

I agree that with most HS coaches, comedy won't help and will probably only hurt. I'm thinking more along the lines of these fall leagues where you have to deal with the "future D1 coaches". HaHa.

You are right about one thing...it should be a quick one liner.
If you try to memorize something that is not really you...you'll come off like George W. Bush at a debate.

You: I'm warning you, Coach. Don't stare at me!

buzzer beater layup and their was a bit of contact - if I was in better position I may have called it ... but i didn't.

Coach comes up to me at half time furious and says "Wasn't there any contact"

Me: "There was no foul"
Red faced Babbon: "So there was no conact?!"
Me: "There was no foul"

Shut him up ... I think its all in delivery ... always get them or at least you to face away from the bench when you speak so no more than necessary hear what you say...

That is EXACTLY the response you will probaly get, I was thinking the same thing and I was going to post the comeback for that one. If you're going to use a one liner you atleast gotta make sure theres no easy comeback.

Oh, yeah? How 'bout this one? Tweet!

Nevada, maybe you realize this, but you just made Dan's point. Dan's saying to avoid the smart-*** one-liners b/c they will end in T's that could've and should've been avoided. If you end up throwing a T b/c you tried to get the coach's goat, you've done a disservice to that game. So avoid the whole problem by NOT making any of those "funny" one-liners.

Was doing a church league game and having a terrible night. The players pitch in to pay for the officials. After the game one of them told me they couldn't believe they were paying for this. I told him he didn't, he increased his tithe this week by $1.00.
Honestly...I was terrible that night. The only thing that didn't happen was me running into the wall.

Chuck,
If I am going to say something like this to a coach, he has already crossed the line and deserves a T. By being a smartass, I'm either giving the coach a final chance to backoff (Albeit, not a great one.) or just having some fun with him before the punishment is meted out. If a T is the end result of the quip, I don't care at this point, it was already justified.

One of my favorites that is mentioned on this board quite a bit stems from a coach complaining/arguing/thinking out loud that his/her opponent got the last jump ball.

Coach: Didn't they get the last jump ball?

Official: Maybe. How about we give you two out of the next three to make it up to you?

One that I like to do is if I have the rule memorized. I'll just quote the reference.

I had coach upset at me one time because his player A1 inbounding from the side line put the ball over the line and the defender B1 hit it out of A1's hand without touching him. Then dribbled in for the score.

Running by I just said 9-2-11. He questioned me and I said Rule 9 section 2 article 11 go look it up.

This usually quiets them down because their thinking, if I can quote the rule by number, I probably know what I'm talking about and he'd better go look it up.

It also makes you more credible the next you see the coach.

P.S. No!!!! I don't have all the rules memorized. Still working on that one.:)