Sorry... I had to do it :)

[brandan89]

I went throgh the most of the post about Dave and took some of his top funniest moments and posting them here:

1.Before the Super Bowl today, I had two boys varsity rec league games. In the second one, A1 was getting a little rough and Coach B kept complaining. At one point, A1 pushed B1 and my partner called the foul.
Coach B immediately said we've got to stop A1 from being so rough. My partner (the "infamous Dave") told the coach that he did call the foul. The coach said that's not enough.
"OK", said Dave. "How about we throw him out of the game, suspend him for life, blow up his car, burn down his house and then shoot his dog? Would you be happy then?"
I cracked up.


2. Last night, after my games, I called Dave to discuss the upcoming tournament we are doing together this weekend. He told me he tossed a coach in an 8th grade boys game last Saturday.
Apparently, the guy was "on" Dave and his partner, Les, from the get-go. In the second quarter, he said something (Dave can't even remember what it was, but he remembers the tone) and Les rang him up. The coach complained that it was a "cheap T". Dave told him that was "just the appetizer, and would he like to try for the main course?"
The coach called Dave a "smart-***" (which, of course, he is) and Dave rang him up and tossed him. The assistant coach started complaining and Dave said to him, "Coach, we've already had the appetizer and the main course. Would you care to see a dessert menu?"
Dave said the assistant shut up and never said another word.
I asked Dave who won and he didn't remember and didn't care.
I hope to have more after this weekend.

3. Last weekend, I did my first games of the fall rec season with my old buddy, Dave. He seemed a little subdued, but he did get off one good one with a varsity girl who argued about taking off her earrings. Dave told her she had three options. First, she could take the earrings off and she could play. Second, she could leave the earrings in but she couldn't play. Third, she could leave the earrings in but take off her ears, and she could play.
She chose option one. I was kind of hoping she would have chosen number three, because I really would have liked to have seen that. Second game, I am lead, Dave is trail. A1 drives to the hoop and is fouled on the shot. I call the foul. Dave runs in from trail and says he has a travel first. I say OK, it's a travel and wave off the foul and the shot (which went in). Coach A yells at Dave, "Why is that your call?" Dave replies, "Because it was my turn. See - you guys have the alternating possession arrow. That means the trail official has the next call on violations and every third call on fouls. After the next jump, we switch and my partner gets to make a call. Got it?"
The coach looked confused and just said, "Yeah, OK, I guess. Thanks."
Dave gave me one of those looks like, "Isn't this fun?"

4.OK, you Dave-o-philes. Here's the latest chapter from this past weekend's rec league games.
Saturday - varsity boys. First game: Dave calls A1 for a foul. A1 says to Dave, "WHAT THE F*** KIND OF CALL WAS THAT???" Dave replies, "There are basically two kinds of fouls. That kind was a personal foul. Here's the other kind." TWEET - rings him up.
Second game: Dave calls a carry on A1 (different A1). A1 yells, "YOU SUCK". Dave replies, "No, actually I blow. Watch." TWEET - rings him up.
Sunday - varsity girls (I didn't work with him that day, but I got there early for my shift and watched the end of his last game.) Dave calls 3 seconds on A1. She remarks loudly, "That was an awfully quick 3 second call." Dave replies, "We're playing under FIBA rules - I'm counting in metric." The girl had no clue.
A few minutes later, B1 is in the lane, then gets out. Coach A yells that she was in there for more than 3 seconds (she wasn't, of course). Dave replies, "Not even in dog years, coach."
If there's ever a basketball sitcom, I know who the head writer should be.

5. Did two rec league games last night with the infamous Dave. He was pretty mild, and only said one thing I thought was funny.
Coming out to start the second half, as usual, at least one kid asks,"Whose ball is it?"
Dave studies the ball and replies, "Looks like some kid named Spalding."

6. Did my normal 3 rec Sunday games, two of them with Dave. Second game, coach is on us from opening tip. Finally, Dave T's him up. Coach jumps up from bench, gets right in Dave's face and yells, "Do you feel better now?"
Dave says, "No", T's him again and says, "now I do. Thanks."

7. I'll start with my all time favorite, because he did it to me, not a coach or player. I was finishing my last rec game of my shift while Dave was waiting to begin his. It was during a timeout in the 4th quarter that he yelled, "Hey Padgett - are you pregnant?" I ignored him but he yelled it again. I finally turned and said, "OK, Dave, I'll bite. No, I'm not pregnant, why do you ask. Dave says, "Because you missed three periods!"


8.Dave goes to report a foul. Coach yells, "Call it both ways." Dave says, "OK coach, I will. Blue, 14, a hold. Other way - 14, blue, a hold. That's both ways coach."

9. After a game, parent comes up to the two of us and says, "Refs like you is the reason these kids get hurt." Dave says, "You're wrong." Parent says, "It's an opinion - how can I be wrong." Dave replies, "It's 'Refs like you are the reason kids get hurt.' If you're going to be a jerk, at least use proper grammar."

10. Dave makes a foul call. Coach yells, "I really didn't like that call." Dave turns to him and says, "Then you're probably going to hate this one" and T's him up.

11. Coach has been chipping all game. Dave calls an OOB off his team. As Dave goes down court, coach keeps yelling for him to identify the player who last touched the ball. Dave ignores him. At a timeout, coach asks Dave why he hasn't answered him all game. Dave replies, "I left my English - Jibberish dictionary at home."

12. We come out to start the second half. As usual, both teams ask whose ball it is. Dave looks at the ball, seems to be studying it and says, "Looks like some kid named Spaulding."

13. And there's the old standby whenever he gets a JV or varsity boy who whines - "Hey, girls play on Thursdays."

14. Saturday morning rec league. I'm doing three games with Dave - 8th grade boys. With about two minutes to go in one of the games, the score is A-34, B-31. A1 inbounds, Coach B yells for his team to foul, B1 runs up to A2 (who now has the ball inbounds) and politely grabs the back of his jersey. Dave calls an intentional foul (absolutely the right call).
As you might imagine, Coach B doesn't like it one bit. He raises his voice (not really yelling) at Dave and asks him how he could make a call like that, it's part of coaching to foul to stop the clock, would he rather the player foul harder, etc. You get the picture.
To his credit, Dave calmly (really) explains the rule and reminds the coach that it's a POE this year. The coach doesn't care, and tells Dave it's a stupid rule and we shouldn't enforce it.
Dave gets this big grin. He goes over to his gym bag and pulls out a rule book. He gets a pencil from the table and hands both to the coach. He tells him to please mark all the rules in the book that he doesn't want us to enforce and that we will wait. Dave then sits down next to the table and crosses his arms.
The coach stands there like a deer in headlights while I am trying not to fall over from laughing so hard.
The coach puts the book and the pencil on the table and goes back to his bench and sits down.
Dave gets up, says loudly, "I guess the prospect of having to actually read a rule book scared him." At this point, even the parents were cracking up.
We then administered the free throws and got on with the game. The coach didn't say a word the rest of the game or even after the game, and his team committed two more intentional fouls and lost by 12.
I wish I could bottle Dave and sell him. I'd make a fortune.

15. This week I worked with a guy who worked with Dave last week and filed this report.
A1 goes in for layup. Ball is cleanly blocked OOB by B1. A1 complains he was fouled. Dave tells him, "Let's take a vote." He asks B1 if he fouled A1. B1 replies, "No."
"OK, that's 2 to 1 against. The foul stands.", says Dave. A1 says it isn't fair. Dave replies, "You want a recount? Move to Florida."
I love it when other guys spread the legend of Dave around.

16. Don't ask me why, but our local rec league starts games at 8am on Saturday mornings. This morning, I got to the gym and discovered I had Dave for a partner for three games.
During our second game (8th grade boys), one coach was chipping the whole time. Mostly (as usual with these guys), it was on rule interpretations, as well as judgment calls. By his comments, he revealed he did not know the 3 second rule, the over and back rule, the 5 second closely guarded rule, etc. In fact, after a while, Dave and I kept count of how many rules this guy revealed he didn't know. I think we got as high as 6 when Dave pulled a "Dave".
Dave called a travel, just before a shooter released his shot from the top of the key. Dave was trail and the shooter was in my line of vision from the lead and I saw it too. The coach yelled out, "Why was that a travel." Dave replied, "Because it violated the travel rule, coach." I guess he'd had it with this guy. I need to explain at this point that in this gym, parents sit at the end of the benches due to lack of a lot of room. Someone on that bench yelled at Dave that his answer was "a bunch of crap" (which, actually, it was) and Dave gives the T signal.
He goes over to the bench and reports the T on the "assistant coach", since he knew the head coach didn't say it but it came from an adult in the bench area. He also reported the indirect on the head coach.
The head coach objected, and asked Dave how he knew that the person who made the remark was his assistant coach.
"That's easy", said Dave, "he's wearing an I'm With Stupid T-shirt."
Once more - crack up time for me.
Ya'know - if we weren't both married and we weren't both straight, I'd marry the guy.

17. Yes sports fans, as I type, the infamous Dave is visiting in my office and is looking over my shoulder. I wish he would have taken a Certs first. Ouch - he just smacked me.
Anyway, since he refuses to participate from home, I have persuaded him to add a few words here. I have asked him to relate his favorite "Dave." Take it away, oh wise one.
Thanks, Mark. Actually, you guys can't tell, but I type about half as fast as he does so this is taking some time. He said he would correct my spelling before clicking.
I guess if I had to pick one, it would be the time I called a technical on a kid for profanity. Even though it wasn't directed at me, it was really loud and really bad. It was a JV game and the gym was pretty full. I made a foul call on him and it was his fifth. He yelled the "F" word.
When I reported it to the scorer, his coach asked me what he said. I just told him it was profanity. He kept pushing me to tell him exactly what the kid said. Finally, just to get him off my back, I told him. I said, "He said that word that starts with "F" and ends in "UCK" and it's not "FIRETRUCK".
Believe it or not, he didn't think it was funny. I still do.
OK, my fingers are getting tired, so here's Mark (big freaking deal).
Gee Dave, that was exciting (not). Too bad we don't have a chat room here - or a webcam. Actually, viewers might think Hannibal screened a day early. Ouch, he hit me again. I'm calling my Mom.

[rainmaker]

No need to apologize for this! We all enjoy the Davisms, and we haven't heard any for a while. Thanks for bringing them up to the light!

[TravelinMan]

How about this one

The next time a coach asks for an explanation on a violation on their team, just ask them: "Coach, do you want the long or short version? Most likely the coach will ask for the short version since (a) they are VERY IMPORTANT and don't have the time or (2) they are easily confused. OK, short version - "Blue ball".

[Mark Dexter]

Originally posted by TravelinMan
How about this one

The next time a coach asks for an explanation on a violation on their team, just ask them: "Coach, do you want the long or short version? Most likely the coach will ask for the short version since (a) they are VERY IMPORTANT and don't have the time or (2) they are easily confused. OK, short version - "Blue ball".

That sounds like one hell of a violation! Ouch!

[TravelinMan]

Originally posted by Mark Dexter

That sounds like one hell of a violation! Ouch!

Yes, I see youir POINT. But plays leading up to it are not so bad... (grin)

[just another ref]

Is this Dave a real person or just one of those urban legend guys that we all wish we could be at times? I mean, some of the quotes here are excessive even if said at 3rd and 4th grade games with the score 41-6 at halftime. Really and truly, if I used the old appetizer and main course and dessert deal in the midst of flinging T's around during a "real" ball game I just feel like I might not be welcome back the next night.

[brandan89]

Yes, he is a real person.

[SMEngmann]

There's a guy in my association who did something similar once. Coach A had been riding him all game and when he got home, he saw that in a week, he would have coach A again (who was known for whining). This ref goes to the store on his way to the game, buys cheese slices and stuffs one in his pocket before the game. In the first quarter, coach A starts complaining about a foul call, and the ref pulls out the slice of cheese and throws it at coach A's feet and says, "Here's some cheese to go with that whine." Coach didn't say another word all game as the entire place cracked up.

[rainmaker]

Originally posted by just another ref
Is this Dave a real person or just one of those urban legend guys that we all wish we could be at times? I mean, some of the quotes here are excessive even if said at 3rd and 4th grade games with the score 41-6 at halftime. Really and truly, if I used the old appetizer and main course and dessert deal in the midst of flinging T's around during a "real" ball game I just feel like I might not be welcome back the next night.

Dave is a real person who uses these witticisms sparingly and judiciously. Very seldom in a "real" game. Usually in a rec setting where everyone knows everyone and he is well known for his good judgment in calling the game and his fair and even hand. Also, with just the right tone in his voice so as to avoid throwing gas on a fire.

[footlocker]

yeah, i guess the "would you like to try for the main course" comment isn't adding fuel to the fire.

[Snake~eyes]

Originally posted by SMEngmann
There's a guy in my association who did something similar once. Coach A had been riding him all game and when he got home, he saw that in a week, he would have coach A again (who was known for whining). This ref goes to the store on his way to the game, buys cheese slices and stuffs one in his pocket before the game. In the first quarter, coach A starts complaining about a foul call, and the ref pulls out the slice of cheese and throws it at coach A's feet and says, "Here's some cheese to go with that whine." Coach didn't say another word all game as the entire place cracked up.

lol, now that's good.

[ChuckElias]

I recently tried to use a "Davism", although I don't know if it really originated with him. 2nd half, held ball, arrow is white. We give the ball to white and blue coach of course says "didn't they get the last one?" I replied with the obvious answer: "Sorry Coach, we'll give you 2 outta the next 3."

Coach didn't get it, but also didn't have a sense of humor. He knew my partner and asked him what the #$%* I meant by that crack. After the game, I had to tell him I was just trying to be funny.