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Old Fri Jun 29, 2001, 10:13am
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Join Date: Feb 2001
Posts: 73
Talking

I started a thread on another Board requesting umpire's best one liners while umpiring. Here is a recap for your viewing pleasure.

Submitted by Jim Porter

Visiting Coach: Where’s the strike zone blue?
Ump: For you or them?

Coach: That pitcher is balking on every pitch!
Ump: Yes – the balk is part of his natural delivery.

Spectator: He was out! I could see it from here!
Ump: Silly me – trying to make calls for out here on the field. What was I thinking?

Coach: That call was terrible!
Ump: Sure was – wait ‘til you see the next one.

Ump: Out!
Coach: That call was terrible!
Ump: Oh sorry – OUT! Was that better?

Coach: Where did that pitch miss?
Ump: About1/00th of a millimeter inside.

Coach: My pitcher has a late breaker.
Ump: He may want to have that looked at.

Coach: My pitcher has a natural curve.
Ump: Naturally, I call it a ball.

Coach: My pitcher has a natural sinker.
Ump: That’s too bad because, naturally, my strike zone is very high.

Spectator: C’mon ump – what’s the matter with you?
Ump: I got dimwits like you yelling at me while I work. What’s the matter with YOU?

Spectator: I could see the he was safe from here!
Ump: (entering bleachers and sitting besides offender) You’re right! I should call all the games from up here! Play!

Coach: (after calling time to consult with his catcher who relays the message to the pitcher) I’m not going to be charged for a conference am I?
Ump: No. Just your pitcher.

Coach: Between you and me, blue, was he really safe?
Ump: Can you keep a secret?
Coach: Yes.
Ump: So can I.

Coach: The hands are part of the bat!
Ump: Oh! Then you need to have your players leave their hands in the dugout next half inning.

Player: Safe?! Are you out of your mind?
Ump: Of course I am. You’d have to be to take this job.

Spectator: Looks like the umpire wants to go home early.
Ump: Why? So my wife can scrutinize my every move, yell at me when we disagree, and insult me when she’s not happy? Seems like I’m right at home, here, dear.

Coach: How can you call him out?
Ump: Like this: OUT!

Coach: Exactly where is your strike zone?
Ump: Oh it is around here somewhere.

Spectator: And you call yourself an umpire?
Ump: No – you call me an umpire. I call myself a Baseball God.

Coach: C’mon blue – you gotta give those corners.
Ump: Corners – yes. Batter’s box – no.

Coach: What was wrong with that pitch?
Ump: Besides completely missing the strike zone? Nothing.

Submitted by Richard Siegel

Ump: Strike!
Batter: Ump that pitch was outside!
Ump: Stop complaining or the next strike will be even further outside!

Ump: Ball!
Catcher: Ump, you called the same pitch a strike on the last batter.
Ump: This guy has higher knees.

Ump: Ball!
Coach: Blue, why isn’t that a strike?
Ump: Because it wasn’t in the strike zone.
Coach: Then where was it?
Ump: It was in the ball zone.

Submitted by Brad Venable

Coach (losing by a large margin): Blue, I could do a better job then you’re doing.
Ump: Coach, you’re having a tough enough time doing your own job, so I seriously doubt it.

Coach: Boy, blue … you must be watching a different game then we are over here.
Ump: Really, coach? When did they install cable TV in the dugouts?

Coach (from the dugout): From where I am standing, that was a terrible call.
Ump: Yeah, coach. If I were 80 feet away and looking through chain link, I might agree.

Coach (on a called strike three): C’mon blue, that pitch was a mile outside!
Ump: Nah, coach I guarantee that it wasn’t more than 2-3 inches of the plate.

Spectator (after the game): Blue, I can honestly say that was the worst umpired I’ve ever seen.
Ump: Sir, You obviously haven’t been to this field before.

Submitted by Ken Allan

Catcher: What was wrong with that pitch?
Ump: I didn’t like it.

Coach: That was a balk.
Ump: He’s OK for me.

Submitted by ozzy6900

Coach: Morning blue.
Ump: Good morning coach.
Coach: Hey blue, what is your strike zone like?
Ump: How old are these kids?
Coach: 14-15 years
Ump: I call letters to knees ….
Coach: nods
Ump: and it’s between that fence (pointing to the left) and that fence (pointing to the right), it’s a strike!
Coach: HUH???
Opposing Coach: He means that your guys better swing their bats (that coach knows me).

Submitted by Gee

Ump: Strike three, the batter is out.
Batter: Blue, you missed that one.
Ump: Meat, I could have but you missed the other two.

Submitted by Anber

Coach: (every pitch that missed) Jesus Christ!
Ump: I am going to crucify someone from that bench the next time I hear that.

LINE SHOT down third base, foul by inches.
Partner: FOUL!!!
Runner: COME ON!
Ump: Nice hit, it was foul by this much (As you hold your fingers to make a one inch gap).
Runner: How the hell do you know it missed by that much?
Ump: Because I have confidence in my partner and so should you.

Submitted by bluezebra

Coach: That call stinks Blue.
Umpire: Wait in the parking lot coach. It will smell better from there.

Submitted by Michael Taylor

HOT DAY – Pitcher not throwing strikes, coach talking to pitcher. Umpire walks out to break up the meeting.

Coach: Are you calling any strikes today?
Ump: When he throws one I’ll be glad to call it. It’s 95 out here, do you think I want to call balls?

Anon
Coach:Come on Blue, I'll have to warmup another pitcher at this rate.
Ump: Hey coach, got an assistant?
Coach:Yeah, Why?
Ump: Warm him up!

Submitted by Chris Ward

FAN: You're pitiful...
UMP: Thank you sir, I truly value your opinion!

(After ump blew a call)
COACH: You blew that call ump...
UMP: Yeah, maybe so... ever made a coaching mistake?
(SILENCE)

UMP: STRIIIIIKE THREE!!!!!
BATTER: That's bull****...
UMP: Actually it was a curveball, YOU'RE GONE!

UMP: STRIIIIIKE THREE!!!!!
BATTER: (Draws a much larger home plate in the dirt around home plate area)
UMP: (after batter finishes) Ok, you draw it, I'll use it!

COACH: YOU GOTTA BE KIDDIN ME!!!
UMP: Nope, dead serious!

COACH: How could you not have seen that?!?!
UMP: I'm not bias like you!

(After PU calls interference at 2nd base, 2 man system)
COACH: That's not your call!!!
UMP: Oh, it's not?
COACH: Hell no, how can you even see that from there?
UMP: You're 10 feet closer and you have a better view?
COACH: It's still not your call!!
UMP: Sure it is!
COACH: How?
UMP: See, if your player wouldn't have taken out the second baseman, there would've been a play at first, and my partner out there would've had to see that play... comprende?

COACH: You don't have the balls to make that call!!!
UMP: Guess it takes more than two...

UMP: Strike one!
BATTER: (Looks back)
UMP: Strike two!
BATTER: How am I supposed to hit that?
UMP: Get the damn bat off your shoulders and swing it... you may be surprised!

FAN: You're the worst umpire I've ever seen!!!
UMP: That's only because you haven't registered yet!!!

COACH: That's the worst job of umpiring I've ever seen in all my life!!!
UMP: That's the most pitiful job of coaching I've ever seen in all MY life!!!

(THIS ONE HAPPENED IN BASKETBALL, BUT IT'S STILL FUNNY!)
(During a foul shot)
COACH: Can I tell you something?
REF: Sure!
COACH: You're one of the worst refs I have EVER seen...
REF: Can I tell you something?
COACH: Sure!
REF: You've got one of the worst teams I've ever seen...
COACH: My players suck, what's your excuse?
*LAUGHTER*

(BASEBALL)
COACH: That's two you've missed blue!!!
UMP: Only two? Damn... I'm doing well tonight!

FAN: How can you all lay down and sleep at night after cheatin kids like that?
PARTNER: Cheatin? You think we were cheatin? It's our fault your pitcher gave up 3 runs, right?
ME: Yeah, and besides, I sleep a lot easier when I know my games are over for the day and idiots like you have gone home for the night!

(After steal play, runner does not slide, and is tagged just after his foot gets to the base)
UMP: heh heh... YER OUT!!!
RUNNER: *stunned look*
COACH: (after inning) You missed that call blue!
UMP: Go back to the dugout coach.
COACH: YOU MISSED THAT CALL OUT THERE, BLUE!!!
UMP: Hey, don't yell at me! When I played my coach taught me to slide in on a steal... what're you teaching?
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