[Mark Padgett]

Juulie - you know all you had to do was ask. In fact, I would gladly have done a clinic for you this spring on this topic.

Here's a few from the "Classic Collection":

Coach: (as Dave was about to report a foul) “Call it both ways”
Dave: “OK, coach, I will. Blue, 42, a hold. (he pauses) 42, blue, a hold. Is that what you meant coach, because that’s all the ways I know.”

Dave: (to table) “We have a technical foul on the green coach.”
Asst. coach: “Are you nuts?”
Dave: (to table) “Now we have T for two.” (he breaks into a soft shoe and sings “Tea For Two”)

Coach: “How come they get the ball on that jump call? They got the last one.”
Dave: (knowing the AP arrow is correct) “I’ll tell you what, coach. We’ll give them this one but then we’ll give you the next 2 out of 3, OK?”
Coach: “Oh, OK……….huh?”

A coach continues to complain. Dave responds, “Listen coach. Let’s trade places. You come out here and call the game, and I’ll sit on the bench and act like a jackass.”

Fan: “Hey ref. Want to borrow my glasses?”
Dave: “Why? They’re not doing you any good.”

Coach: “That’s 3 seconds.”
Dave: “Coach, that wasn’t 3 seconds even in dog years.”

However, he saved his best for me, personally. A few years ago, I was in the last quarter of a game and Dave was watching, waiting for the next game, which he was going to officiate. At a timeout he yelled at me.
Dave: “Hey ref, are you pregnant?”
I ignored him. He repeated, “Hey ref, are you pregnant?”
I replied, “OK, Dave. I’ll bite. No, I’m not pregnant. Why do you ask?”
Dave: “Because you missed three periods.”