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I disagree that they aren't listening to us. They listen to me. They might turn around and forget or ignore what I said, but they listen. I make sure of that.
It starts on the sideline. Before you escort them out, tell them what all we're going to do and make sure they know what they want to do if they have to make a decision. Have you umpire do the same thing. When you get out there, first thing I do is have them shake hands, then we flip. I have the V make their choice and H repeat it BEFORE the toss. NEVER, EVER have them call it in the air.
Once a winner is decided, I point at them and say, "you won the toss," and then shut up. At this point, I don't ask a question, I just wait for them to tell me what they want to do. The only 2 acceptable choices (except MAYBE in really bad weather) are receive or defer, but we can discuss that later. If the winner picks defer, I signal, then ask directly if the other team wants the ball. Then, you'll line them up, give the signals and maybe bring them back together -- if you've heard about potential issues or its a big rivalry game.
If you don't believe they are listening to you, they aren't. Perhaps you need to change how you talk to them. Take control from the outset.
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