CMar:
Welcome to the forum and best wishes on your new addiction... uh, er... I mean avocation.
This forum will help expedite your learning curve. In my view, dealing with difficult coaches is one of the more challenging aspects of game management/officiating. I believe it is something that evolves (and hopefully improves) as you gain experience. Participating in this forum and serious rules study are significant means to build your confidence and court presence. Additionally, finding a few local mentors who are willing to work with you is another helpful approach.
Moving on to your questions based on the OP.
If possible, I avoid creating an "artificial interruption" (calling a dead ball after the hoop) specifically to call out a coach. However, sometimes the need to address/redirect a coach requires it to be dealt with in immediate fashion. Like you mentioned, I would not challenge the irate coach with a statement, such as "could you repeat that" because I too view it as baiting.
Do the other refs agree with the course of actions taken? (not the T-ing and tossing but the events leading up to it)
In the early part of my officiating career, I tended to allow coaches "the benefit of the doubt" when I felt they were frustrated. However, my experience has taught me that coaches need to be redirected early if they are repeatedly challenging calls/no-calls. There are many factors that influence how sternly I respond to a coach's remarks. The more blatant or boisterous the more severe my response. It can range from "I heard you coach" to a more stern "I have heard enough." If these interventions fail then I will assess a "T." I also admit that I have less tolerance at lower levels. A while back, a sage AD once prudently advised me that I should view the court as a classroom and coaches as teachers. He added that I should place a high premium on respectful conduct from all --- coaches, players, fans, and officials.
Ultimately, you will individually define what your thresholds for coach conduct will be and learn efficient methods/strategies to manage them.
__________________
"Stay in the game!"
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