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Sorry coach, you were wrong on a number of levels and are responsible for creating an unnecessary level of tension that could have (maybe even should have) caused your disqualification.
First, your understanding of the rules you are referencing is totally incorrect. Yes, illegal substitution is a 5 yard dead ball foul, and Illegal participation is a live ball 15 yard foul. Forgive me, but because you and your defensive coordinator are not on the same page is not the officials problem.
Officials should, and usually do, count both teams before the snap specifically to avoid situations like this one. As suggested, however, for various reasons the counts are not sometimes completed in time and the play goes off. Again, the correct number of players on the field is not the officials responsibility, it's yours. When 12, or more, players participate in the play, the correct call is illegal participation, a live ball 15 yard penalty.
Forgive me again, as I presume your version of the story might be a little sugar coated, but that's reality based on a lot of "conversations" with coaches regarding their misunderstanding of rules. Something tells me, when you decided the official enforced the "wrong penalty" your tone was less of questioning and perhaps a little accusitory, which is an absolutely losing strategy to employ. It might be your skill at, "now picking up on this guy being an idiot", but it likely affected your attitude, in the wrong direction and helped this discussion go down hill. Mistake number 2.
Your concern for the game progressing while the Referee was talking to you, was mistake number 3. Your commenting on that was a disrespectful suggestion that he was not fulfilling his primary responsibility of managing the game, was simply, unnecessary and added nothing positive to your discussion. Quoting rules, or what you think are the rules, suggesting ignorance on the part of the Referee is a dangerous tactic if you're seeking cooperation.
You'll get a lot better reaction if you keep things in the form of a question and wait for clarification, rather than just accusing him of being uninformed.
As for the parent, hopefully he paid to get in and therefore earned the privlege of saying (pretty much) whatever he wants, but he should not expect that anything he says matters or deserves any kind of response. He is entitled to his opinion, but that opinion is simply not relevant.
Your attempt to get in the last word, with, "I don’t care, you have final say on making the wrong call, you’re the official, but I’m notifying you that your wrong so you never do it again", was clearly mistake number 4 and 5.
Mistake number 4, because you were dead wrong about the rule itself, and mistake number 5 because your comment could have caused you to spend the rest of the game in the parking lot. The "last word" is always up for grabs, but it can often be very expensive.
Allow me to suggest you familiarize yourself with another NF rule, NF:3.5.11 it describes the civil manner in which a coach may question any rule application in a calm, relaxed manner. Even fully understanding that rule, I would suggest a tone of questioning, rather than declaring, will produce much more favorable results.
Coaching is an often difficult, frustrating experience and it requires your full focus. Officiating is also a job that requires specialized training, dedication and committment. Rarely do we find individuals who are capable of being competent in both roles, because the roles pull in opposite directions.
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