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Originally Posted by SanDiegoSteve
Here is a comprehensive list of heckles. See if you can detect a repetitive theme:
You couldn't call a cab! The circus is in town and the clowns are wearin blue!
There's a town in Massachusetts named after you.(slight pause), it's called MARBLEHEAD! I forgot more baseball than you know! Its a strike zone, not an end zone! You really shouldn't be in the game until you get warmed up! Blue's goin' home in the back of the ambulance (after a bad call)
Come on blue, turn that mask around and get a GOOD look!! You can go home, blue. We'll take it from here. How'd you become an umpire? Flunk out of toll-booth school? How about asking the audience? Do you want to use another lifeline?
What were you, a lookout a Pearl Harbor! Hey Mr.Magoo, nice call. I forgot the Milk-Bone for your seeing-eye dog! If it was a donut you would have gotten there! (Umps out of position) How many fingers am I holding up?
(For an umpire is slow getting in position) C'mon blue, put the Snicker Bar down. Sweep the plate! It's the least you can do. Go get 'em, Blue! Arf! Arf! Arf! (When the coach's mound visit has been going on too long) Move around, you're tiltin' the infield. Do you take Visa or American Express?
You're killing me blue Can I pet your seeing eye dog after the game? It sure sounded like a strike! How'd you get a square head in that round mask? Have they stopped printing the rulebooks in Braille?
Don't donate your eyes to science, they don't want em'. Does your wife let you make decisions at home? Pull the good eye out of your pocket I thought only horses slept standing up! Flip over the plate and read the directions.
Wipe the dirt off that called strike. Sure you don't want to phone a friend? You can open your eyes now! Sit down, bus driver! If you need the money this badly, get a paper route!
That was a strike in any bowling alley You flipping coins? Is that your final answer? Take off that welding mask What's your magic word?
What's the count Blue? Dog Robber! (classic) Lenscrafter called...they'll be ready in 30 min. Open your good eye When your dog barks twice, its a strike!
Next time buy a ticket if you're going to watch! Can I buy you another beer. Eat a salad. Kick your dog, he's lying to you! I bet if you had a biscuit that plate would be clean!
Do you get any better or is this it? You're blinking too long! Do you travel with this team? Come on, MCI doesn't make that many bad calls! Munch! Munch! Munch! The Ump is out to lunch!
I'm gonna break your cane and shoot your dog. You couldn't make the right call if you had a phone book. You couldn't make a call in a phone booth. Juuuuuust a bit outside. Move around Ump, you're killin' the grass!
Leave the gift giving to Santa! Take out your glass eye and wash it OK....the next call should be ours Guess again, the last call was wrong. Who signs your game checks?
Hey Blue, do you feel guilty? Be careful when you back up, so you don't fall over your dog. If the pitcher is throwing too fast for you, we can ask him to slow it down. The manager called, your uniform is ready. Your strike zone is a moving target!
You're getting better, you almost made the right call that time. Punch a hole in that mask, you're missing a good game Hey Ump, how can you sleep with all these lights on. If you're just gonna watch the game, buy a ticket Stevie Wonder could see that one!
I've seen potatoes with better eyes! Looked pretty good from up here ump! I wish you'd have resigned! Do your sleeping at home ump! Lets go to Video Replay!
Is that guy your nephew Ump? Why don't you get your seeing eye dog to call it for you? Hey Mr.Guess! Nice call! Ump, you're calling a worse game than a NFL ref! Nice umpiring, Mr. Quayle!
Little Boy Blue! Your Honor! I'd like to appeal that call! 3 Blind Mice, 3 Blind Mice For a guy that only works 2 hours a day, you're doing a pretty bad job! Hey blue, if you had one more eye you'd be a Cyclops!
If you knew one thing about Newton's law of Gravity, that would have been called a strike Hey Blue, try looking BETWEEN the bars on your mask! RING..RING....Wake up call ump! You couldn't see the plate if your dinner was on it! Wake up Ump, You're missing a great game!
Where can I get an application? Shake your head ump, your eyes are stuck! Sure is nice calling 'm safe ain't it? Everyone cheers. Ya done good This guy busted his behind running 90 ft, the least you could do is move 10 ft to make a call If that pitch were any more inside it would've ...(if near his gut) taken out his appendix!(if near his knee) been arthroscopic surgery!
(New York specific)If that pitch were any further outside it would be in Connecticut! (Subway-city specific: New York, Boston, Philly, etc.)Come on, ump! If that pitch were any lower it would be in the subway! Just 'cause it's a night game, doesn't mean you should be asleep! If stupidity were bricks, you'd be Fenway Park! Those are radio balls he's throwing--you can hear 'em but you can't see 'em.
Who taught you how to ump? Helen Keller? Ump, your arse called, it wants your head out by tomorrow! Somebody call the law, this guy is impersonating an umpire! Hey Blue, if you had another eye it would be lonely! I can see up and down from over here.
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