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Maybe the official in question was slow on his 3-sec. call from the first shot....knowing the player was in the lane too long but not seeing an advantage to be gained until the shot was put up, but just slow getting air into his/her Fox and that delay allowed the rebounder to get off a quick shot.
Seems like a whole lotta "maybes" could be plugged in here as we guess at what the officials' knowledge/intentions might have been. You don't mention that the ref and his/her partner conferenced because the P might have disagreed with the 3-sec. call.
I just can't imagine voicing support for a fan to complain to an AD about any referee of any sport. You say you were an official once, then you must know how difficult the job can be at times. The mistakes made may or may not have been honest ones, but the behavior of the asst coach is unacceptable at any level.
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