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Okay to answer your real questions.
Yes, trail should be watching this, in the 2-whistle game, I'm not sure who in 3-whistle. It's tough, because T is also supposed to be watching the shooter, and at least 2 other players on the far side of the lane. In HS ball, it's easy to figure that the shooter will at least hit the rim, and not really pay attention. Then if the ball bounces off something, it's easy to not realize that there was a violation.
Mind you I'm not saying what the ref did was right. It sounds like he/she missed it. I'm just saying why it might have happened. Heaven knows, I"ve missed this one often enough!
I'm a little confused how the ball could have just grazed the backboard and ended up in the opponents' hands. Your players should have the bottom spots under the basket, and should be able to get that kind of rebound. If they missed it because they assumed that the violation would be called, so they didn't try for it, you need to school them to play till they hear a whistle!!!
One way to get a ref to address an issue like this (for the long run, not in your game) is to send a short critique to your ref assignment ssecretary after every game. Two or three good calls by each ref, and one or two things they need to work on. Be sure that these evals are balanced in terms of who benefited from the calls. Some assignors will talk to refs about these kinds of critiques, or will send e-mails to all refs talking about that rule or mechanic.
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