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Chuck
Don't know the levels you ref or your experience level, so I don't mean to insult you in any way. But my experience has been that the higher level refs and the more experienced refs have mastered communicating with coaches when legitimate questions are asked. As a coach, I have a legitimate right to ask you something and get a straight answer. If I take a heated situation and make it worse, you can have your second T. But I do take great issue with your preference that I get my information about Your call from My player, who may or may not know what you called and who may or may not think they did something wrong. You called it, I'm simply asking what was called.
In our MS competitive league, the commissioner is a college ref and he will only entertain complaints about refs for four reasons. Of course I only remember three - tardiness, lack of hustle, poor communication. If I had you in a game in that league and you Td up one of my players and wouldn't tell me why, I'd be on the phone Monday morning. I've done it once before for ref that wouldn't move and appeared completely disengaged from the game (and all the players noticed), as well as for a team of refs where I positively loved the way they were ahead of the game (and I lost in overtime with the good refs, won a close one with the atrocious one - still called the league in both cases!).
If your preference is to avoid communicating with coaches in a heated situation, I believe that is a skill that you should work on because it is an essential skill not only in basketball but in life. Yes, there is potential conflict - deal with it.
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