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What you described, in theory based upon your descriptions, are probably missed calls. However, there are some caveats involved that a lot of people don't realize or can't see. Remember, officials are on the floor in the position they are in for a reason. To put it another way, there's a good reason why officials are not in the stands.
1. Chances are that when the play you described is a foul called on the defender the arms weren't actually "straight" up in the air. I don't know how many times the coach or player says, after I called a foul on them, "my/his arms were straight up." No, they weren't straight up; rather, they were closer to a 45 degree angle. Or, the arms were straight up at one time, but during the shot, they moved out of their plane and contacted the shooter's hand or arm. Or, as some are coached, the arms go straight up immediately after the whistle is blown, but weren't straight before.
2. Again, in theory, two players going for the ball colliding should be ruled incidental contact. But if one is using the contact to his advantage, its a foul. One might push off with an arm or something similar. Keep in mind that once a foul occurs in this situation, the ball becomes dead and subsequent contact is ignored unless intentional or flagrant. Often, there are situations like this where a foul occured prior to the big collision, and the official is calling the prior contact. However, everything happened so fast that by the time the whistle was blown, the collision had already happened. Fans think it was the collision that brought the foul, when it wasn't Believe me, 95% of the time, fans don't even know what's being called and there isn't a reporting mechanism, other than signals, to let them know. We can't stop and explain everything.
3. A "flinching" or one protecting himself from contact should not, in theory, cause a foul. However, what often happens is that the defender moves forward into the path of the offensive player even though, from a distance, it looks like he was stationary. Also, there could be a situation where the hands of the defender caused the contact in front of him, and the use of his hands in such a manner is not automatically protected. I can't explain the explanation you overheard. Perhaps it was an incorrect interpretation. But another possible reason is the official had something legitimate but didn't explain it correctly. Sometimes when you have to report a foul, are thinking about how play will resume, how to communicate everything properly, etc., AND have a coach screaming at you, it can disrupt even the most experienced official and words may come out wrong.
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