Roger,
I wouldn't even consider "tag" plays in this scenario. Unless it is painfully obvious that the fielder pulled the glove way early, I'm going to rule an out. Where I see the most problems is when the throw beats the runner big time, but the player never puts the tag down. Instead, while stradling the base, tries to reach out and tag the runner. Well, if the runner knows how to slide properly, she is going to hit that base before the tag is applied. In those circumstances, I'm not going to "give" the fielder the benefit of the doubt for not knowing how the make the play. I'm going to call the runner safe if the tag is not properly applied.
As far as missing the base, offensive or defensive, the players expect the proper call. And as I said before, I make the call I see. Smart defenders will always use the side of the bag away from the umpire's view. I do not require the players to prove they have touched the bag, but to avoid me seeing them miss it.
There is one thing you can bet on. If I rule a runner or batter out on a rule violation or appeal, there is no doubt in my mind that I happened and I saw it. And in my small part of the country, I'm expected to call what I see.
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The bat issue in softball is as much about liability, insurance and litigation as it is about competition, inflated egos and softball.
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