I've been officiation H.S. Basketball for 11 years and have seen varying degrees of tolerence from different officials with varying degrees of talent and/or ability. We must come up with our own "boundaries" so to speak and what to do when a coach or player crosses those boundaries. I will give a coach, usually and adult, much more real estate than a player, usually a teen ager. In most of my games the players and I are having a great time and they know what is expected of them. This is not to say that we're out there clowing around but just enjoying the contest.
When I was a newer official I don't think I gave a "T" for 3 years. When the Coaches were getting on me about a call they were probably right! I just needed to stay focused on the game. My philosophy of the players showing respect stays the same. There is no room for disrespect from these young athletes. In some ways we are molding their character through athletics and would be doing them a diservice otherwise.
KDM states he might let a player say "damn ref I didn't touch him". That may be his boundary. I may let it go if the player says it walking away under his breath. BUT, my "T"s come from actions more than words. i.e. Unsportsmanlike Conduct. It is the conduct that will get them the "T". If a player stares me down and says the same it's automatic--"T" time.
I had a player the other night get called for a traveling violation. He stared at me and said something like "that wasn't traveling" I gave him a chance to walk away and show good sportsmanship but he continued to stare me down and threw his arms down in disgust. BOOM "T"! It was his action not words. During a time out the assistant coach for that player came over smiling saying what did he say. I smiled back and said "nothing coach, it was his actions" He got it, and returned to the bench.
So I suggest, do not get hung up on what a player says as much as what he does. Sure credability comes in to play but in my opinion you will increase your credability by not allowing players to be unsportsmanlike.
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