Sign 'im up
 

No outfielder can rattle me as PU. They're way too far away even from a call at third. I save a special chuckle for outfielders who want to argue balls and strikes. I say to everyone in my immediate area, "I've got another white shirt in the car for anybody that can call balls and strikes from left center field." Or whatever.

Or from the bleachers.

When I was still a bit green, I actually told a coach, who was constantly complaining about the strikezone, that if she thought the view from where she was was better than where I was, I'd gladly call balls and strikes from her dugout for the rest of the game.

Probably shouldn't have said it, and I probably, in hindsight, should have ejected her a good inning earlier ... but it did shut her up.

One of my alltime favorite umpire experiences...

Volunteered to do the bases for a scrimmage game between two Dixie Youth teams in Louisiana. Even though it was an informal game that meant nothing, one Mom was particularly vocal about my partner's strike zone -- on every pitch.

At the end of the 2nd, he borrowed a quarter from a guy behind the backstop, flipped in the air and slapped it down on the plate, and turned to the woman, "Ma'am, for ten bucks -- Heads or Tails?"

"You're crazy. I can't see that from here."

He dropped into the slot and said, "Funny, I can see it just fine from here."